Wondering if I'm a trigger for my DW at MC

ghphotog

I try to visit my DW every day or every other day at her MC. She's always glad to see me and I her but it's always so difficult when I leave. She either wants me to stay with her or go with me and she gets hurt and upset when I tell her I have to leave now. She still cries telling me "I just want to go home!" I think she wants to go back to our house sometimes but I remember she had been saying that for years even when she was at home so I'm pretty sure it isn't "our" home she refers to.

My mom died yesterday morning and later in the evening sitting at home alone I really wanted to see and be next to my DW so about 7P I drove over there. She was sitting next to her "boyfriend" whom she refers to as Howard, which is me and she calls him hon. The "boyfriend" told me yesterday that she was his girlfriend and that she was beautiful. I'm glad for that actually. Nothing romantic mostly comfort. After a little while she started to become agitated with me and a staff member trying to clean her. It was after 8p probably so I took that opportunity to leave but she looked so distressed and hurt as I left, as always. Still heartbreaking to see her like that.

Buggytoo

So sad to read of the death of your mom. And how hard this journey is! Sending prayers that comfort surrounds you. I am sure others can provide better help on your question about whether you are a "trigger."

midge333

I am sorry for your loss.

concerned_sister

Sorry for your loss, may your mother be at peace now.

I hope the following would be true: you typically hear of youngsters at daycare that are fussy as a parent drops them off, but soon as there gone, they return to themselves and join other activities. I hope it's a similar phenomenon with your DW.

ghphotog

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209932#Comment_209932

Makes a lot of sense!

Rocky2

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. I hope you have family and friends around, hopefully a few you can confide in. For many months before her passing, my DW constantly repeated that she wanted to go home or had to find her mom. I agree that this seems to be seeking peace and comfort more than looking for a physical place or person. I tried to provide as much comfort and companionship as possible and tried to focus on the positive aspects as much as possible. That said, since we care, it's hard not to have some things tug at our heart strings.

Tom

harshedbuzz

@ghphotog I saw your post about your dear mom on the Caring for a Parent board. I am sorry.

On one hand, this does feel very like a toddler with separation anxiety but, IME, it's best not handled as you would a toddler. A toddler can learn to trust that you will be back. Your DW is used to having the autonomy afforded an adult in deciding when to come and will not be able to understand why that is not possible anymore.

Dad was always scheming to bust out of MC. Given his poor short-term memory and inability to judge the passage of time, it was best to just slip out. I often made the excuse that I needed to use the restroom and kept walking to my car. It spared us both the upset of my leave-taking.

I'm glad she has a friend in MC, too. My aunt bonded with 2 different men during her 6 years in MC. The first was a retired cantor who sang <loudly> which led to some others being unkind to him. My aunt was very protective of him. A year or so after he died, she developed a long relationship with another gentleman as they progressed through the stages on a similar timetable even passing within 24 hours of one another.

HB

Phoenix1966

I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I hope you’re able to find comfort for that loss.

I was also going to suggest, like @harshedbuzz did, that you do not say “goodbye” to your DW any more. Find any excuse like the restroom one and just leave instead. It’s what I ended up going with my grandmother. I slipped back around to watch her one time and after only a few minutes of my being gone, she was involved with someone else, like I’d never been there. Give it a shot and see if it makes things easier.

JeriLynn66

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mother. Peace be with you.

M1

Gh my partner does this too, and it's ticked back up this week after our recent move- but the move has continued to work out in other ways. I find that she lets me go more easily if i tell her a reason I'm leaving-such as a doctor's appointment, an errand to run, or picking up a grandchild. For some reason she fights that less than if i just say I'm going home and will see you tomorrow. She has no concept of home or tomorrow, doesn't understand why i can't spend the night there with her. the aides reassure me that lots of their folks do this.

clarinetist

Ghphotog,

I’m very sorry to hear of your mom’s passing-my condolences.

You and I often seem to be experiencing similar situations with our spouses in memory care. My DH has started fussing when it’s time for me to leave too. I made the mistake yesterday when I was leaving of telling him I was going to Home Depot. Then he wanted to come with me, and got mad when I made excuses why he couldn’t. Finally he just said, “Fine! Go ahead and leave me here.” I felt pretty bad. What sometimes helps me get away is enlisting the help of a CNA when it’s time to go. One of the aides will ask him to help them fold the table napkins. Another aide replaced my hand with hers and held his hand for half an hour after I left. The aides are wonderful. I like harshed buzz’s idea of slipping away, and may try that next time.

While I was visiting yesterday my DH grabbed the hand of a woman sitting on the sofa with him (maybe he thought it was me). I asked the woman if she minded, but she said it was ok. Like you, ghphotog, I don’t mind. I just want my DH to be comfortable.

AnderK

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69282/wondering-if-im-a-trigger-for-my-dw-at-mc

I am sorry for the many losses you are going through, and most recently, your Mom. Peace to you. Kathy

Nowhere

I’m very sorry for the loss of you mom, as well. I was a trigger during my husband’s middle stage Alzheimer’s, but now in advanced he cannot think nor hold onto a scenario thinking he’s in prison in memory care. During the first two years of his placement (during Covid) he found two other resident whom he called my name and referred to as his wife. He’s unable to form those attachments in advanced, and I’m now able to visit everyday. He knows I’m there for him and stands with a ready smile and hug, even if he doesn’t know we’re married. It’s odd. Sometimes he does, and other times I can tell he’s unsure. A couple days ago, I asked him if he wanted to ask me any questions, and he said, “Yes, how many times have you been married”? “Once, to you, fifty years ago.” It was our golden wedding anniversary.

Arrowhead

Before I placed my wife, she also wanted to "go home", meaning the house she grew up in. I never tell her I'm leaving. Every time before I do, I make sure she is distracted so she doesn't see me leave. I don't know if she realized I left, or even knew I had been there.

ghphotog

Thank you for the very helpful responses!