Family Conflict

Redbird21

I just moved to CA with my ex with whom I have been living for the past six years for financial reasons. We are good friends and support each other. Unfortunately, he has been showing signs of early onset dementia. I convinced him to move to S. CA to be closer to our daughter who seemed willing to be supportive and helpful to both of us. We just made the big move from the Chicago area and my daughter is already burning out; she has four kids. She and I have never been close and does not understand my anxiety. With the strain of the situation, she has chosen to distance herself from me and tends to be controlling of my ex's condition, especially his finances. My ex, who is normally easy going is impacted by our daughter's controlling behavior. I feel so overwhelmed, lost and alone. Have been reaching out to resources but feel as if there is still too much to handle in a new environment; I am exhausted!!

concerned_sister

Im sorry these changes are so stressful to you all. I hope time and a further journey down the learning curve helps you all. I hope you find moments to take a few deep breaths until then.

H1235

Do you have an official diagnosis? Who is the DPOA? I found that with my mom the inability to handle finances was one of the first things we noticed. My brother wants mom to go to the store and buy whatever she wants, even if she has three already and it’s something she will never use. I tend to be more conservative with money and feel a need to be cautious about spending. Especially when I am the DPOA and have a responsibility to manage things properly. I believe my brother sees me as controlling as well. So maybe consider that she is just trying to do what is best for him and is approaching it differently. It’s hard enough to handle everything that goes along with having a lo with dementia, but when family disagrees on how things should be handled it adds a whole new level of stress to things. Would a dementia workshop of some kind be helpful. Maybe for you and your daughter. It can be an adjustment to learn how to interact with a pwd without causing upset. I found this helpful and try to look at it when trying to figure out how to handle something difficult with mom.

Good luck.

harshedbuzz

This is a complicated situation.

I feel like it highlights the risk of moving for "support/help" when what that looks very different to the giver and receiver. Although in deference to your DD, helping with the care of a PWD when you are already responsible for 4 children is not realistic.

Do you wish to remain in charge of your ex's care until he passes from the disease? Does anyone hold a POA or guardianship to make decisions on his behalf? Are your household expenses intermingled with your ex and are you mutually dependent on one another to maintain that household?

My concern here, as an ex, your DD would be a more logical person to be named POA/guardian than you. If she's controlling his financial life prudently, you could be stuck needing respite or supplies your DD refuses to OK.

HB

Redbird21

Yes, you have identified all the complicated issues of my situation! I will be finding out about other caregiver services to aid in support and keep my ex in the home as long as possible. Hoping my daughter will be kind as to consider my support as my ex (her father) becomes less independent. I am unfortunately, dependent on him financially.

Iris L.

The PWD needs quite a lot of money for his own care. He sounds like he cannot live independently. Assisted living and memory care facilities are expensive. Whatever money he has should be set aside for his care, IMO. He might need Medicare assistance, so he will need to spend down his assets in accordance with Medicaid rules. Since there has been a recent move to California, he may have a waiting period before being eligible to apply.

Iris