Can’t sleep

wose

I’m still struggling with my DH’s son and friends denial of DH dementia. Today we attended our granddaughter’s music recital. Afterwards, we were invited over to granddaughter’s house. I felt it was important to accept. My DH ex wife was there and they started talking about driving. My DH went on about how he had to take the test over cause he was misdiagnosed with a brain disease. And then they all proceeded to talk about how doctors are out of control with misdiagnoses. They all agreed with him and it was not a front. I told these people and still they won’t believe me. I even showed his son the medical records. My DH even admitted to me today that his son lets him drive, why don’t you? And his neighbor friend(?) sent me a text about unfounded concerns when I would not let him take neighbor for a drive. Am I nuts? I’m beginning to doubt the DX myself because of all these people. But I hear the same questions over and over. I find hidden money. I find so many things that are out of place. I hear everyday, what month are we in. I see the hidden wet underwear. I hear him say when we’re in the car, “you’re going the wrong way”, “where are we. I see the confusion and fear in his beautiful blue eyes, but no one else does. I am swimming, really paddling against a current so so strong and all I want to do is let it take me away. And as we left, these people said, “maybe next time we can all come over to your house.” I can’t even imagine that in my reality. I can barely keep us both afloat. A dinner party is most definitely not on my to do list. Sorry about the rant. I just felt so alone, isolated and judged in that room. I am the villain 💜 He has more fondness for his ex wife now than me, even tho she cheated on him and then left him.

M

concerned_sister

I'm sorry you got caught up in such a stressful situation. I can imagine wanting to scream after something like that.

Quilting brings calm

The situation will eventually become apparent to them. He can only showtime for so long. It might actually be good for you to have them over. Not for a dinner party- rather for them ( one at a time) to entertain him while you run errands etc. He might actually showtime less in his own home. They might see the real him.

M1

Sounds perfectly awful. I remember that both my partner's sisters responded with disbelief when I first told them my concerns ten years ago. They scoffed that she just "never listened." And of course my partner was the revered and feared oldest sibling. Fortunately as things progressed, they ceased to argue with me.

If you plan to stay with him through this (and I am not doubting your commitment), all the more reason to make sure your legal ducks are in a row. I would be frank with any attorney about the family situation. You may run into tremendous blended family conflict—others here have had it, in spades, that has gone to court. Be particularly wary if there is money involved.

wose

But, that’s the thing. DH has progressed, but they feel it’s “normal aging.” In the last year it would be hard not to notice but then again when you only spend 1/2 hr every 2 weeks with your father, maybe not. I find it unacceptable but I was raised differently. I could never leave him. It’s my duty, responsibility and most important my hearts desire to see him safe and comfortable. I am not a quitter. I am just overwhelmed and crushed by his unintentional abusive words. And yes, I have our house in an irrevocable trust for said Son and his Grandchildren. It’s the right thing to do. Whatever’s left of my money will go to Charities, again cause it’s the right thing to do IMO. Thanks to @M1, I found a wonderful CELA who has me covered with the legal stuff. Thanks guys, the funny thing is I posted this by mistake and couldn’t figure out how to delete. FYI, when I don’t feel like writing with a pen and pencil, I use this forum for unsent drafts. I can look back at them someday and reflect 💜

JeriLynn66

Wose, I don't have any advice to give but want you to know you're cared about here. Your tenacity in this situation is admirable.

Arrowhead

You are in the trenches; they can't even see the battlefield. You deal with it every day. They don't deal with it at all. Suggest to them that they care for him for a couple of days. Until they experience if for themselves, they may never accept it.

ButterflyWings

If you have documents that protect him, and you - hide them. Securely. Not only from dementia rummaging and destruction, but from anyone you may allow to come over, who has ulterior motives. Get multiple copies and keep some electronically and a set locked up offsite somewhere none of these people know about.

All this opposition does not pass the smell test. @M1 is right. Especially with step families, there are people who will have him sign new documents revoking all your hard work to protect legal assets and standing as spouse. There are attorneys and judges who will go along with it. Corrupt people and a corrupt system will have no qualms about leaving you holding the very large bill for fighting back in court - even if you do not win as someone we know very well recently did. Some are not so fortunate and lose the court action, their homes and spouses to in laws or even "friends" who decide its time to take control of existing assets or shady new insurance policies, etc. after placing the PWD in a facility since they don't intend to caregive.

I would definitely not host them nor leave my home and gullible spouse alone with such people. You may have to smile and hide your true feelings instead of trying to reason with them - their reasoners or ulterior motives, are also not worth stressing yourself out over - or causing extra hostility from your husband. I would not rush to spend time with them if I were you either. You can't win trying to argue this in front of him, or if they aren't going to respect the medical diagnosis and his spouse and surrogate decisionmaker's decisions. I am very sorry you are going through this.

ButterflyWings

BTW, this forum is unfortunately not a reliable place to retain drafts or posts for future reference. I don't know how often updates are done to this site but once is enough to delete everything you thought would be here for safe keeping and reflection later. I say this because the site was revamped fairly recently and years of posts were wiped out with no option to retrieve them, and no notice before the "upgrade" erased so much valuable information and precious memories, as well as documenting the progression of our LOs' disease. It was devastating for me and I just don't want you to have that same experience. Forewarned is forearmed as they say.

I apologize if both my posts seem negative or Debbie downer-ish. Speaking from experience and hope you can benefit from it.

Iris L.

Why are you listening to the peanut gallery? Think hard about what GOAL you want to accomplish. Do you want to be the caregiver until the end? Take the necessary legal and financial steps. If you want the family and the ex to care for him, let them have him. The path is going to get more difficult. Prepare yourself. You can do it, if you want to and are prepared.

Iris

MelissaNH

I feel this. I am finding that people have a very hard time believing my DH is sick because he doesn't necessarily "look" sick on the outside. I can see it, but many don't. I see it in his eyes, his posture and the way he walks… the list goes on. It's hard enough on the psyche to live with this at home, but around others can feel like too much. It makes me feel even more alone when it should be the opposite. It's been a rough few weeks and my spirit is so low right now. It's hard to imagine getting through this stage, never mind the ones to come.