Do you visit your spouse in MC daily?

ghphotog

I've been tryiing to visit my DW in MC at least every other day but it's becoming difficult in the sense that at first my DW is glad to see me and I her. After an hour or so she becomes agitated with me, sometimes for not being there 24/7 like I used to, or when it's time to leave.
She looks hurt and sad and I'm sure she is for the moment.
Sometiimes it's so difficult to see the staff needing to toilet her. She gets very very emotional and upset, she would get that way at home as well. Who wouldn't? Even with advanced dementia it's still a very traumatizing event to have someone help you clean yourself, change you and redress you.
My point. . . it's becoming exhaustin for me again to have to deal with so much emotion. I burned out from it when I was her 24/7 caregiver. I feel guilty if I don't go but I do really want to see her but it's becoming too much.
How do you do it? Where's the balance? Am I wrong if I decide I just don't want to deal with it today?

M1

No you're not wrong gh. I have plenty of days like that. I also try to go every other day. We are just now easing into bladder accidents, and I am expecting a big battle on this front. You just lost your mother too. If you need some days away, take them. Easier said than done i know.

fmb

DH, though in AL, not MC, is in Stage 7 ALZ. He took a downward turn the first three weeks of this month and no longer reliably recognizes me as his wife or if he does, he thinks I'm his late wife who died 25 years ago. He also is now no longer to feed himself and must be hand fed. He does not get upset when I leave, but when I arrive he is not happy to see me as he was just a few short weeks ago.

Prior to this downturn, I was generally seeing him 4 days a week. It is a 45-minute drive to the facility. Since his downturn, I am going in 6 days a week so I can feed him breakfast and noontime dinner.

You have been through a great deal of emotional trauma these past few months. Listen to your mind and body and do not let a sense of obligation compel you to destroy your physical or emotional health. I've been there/done that and have had a very difficult year trying to regain my physical and emotional health. Dementia does not have to claim both of you as victims.

ghphotog

Perfect words you guys!

White Crane

DH has been in memory care since January. It’s about 10 miles from our home. I try to get there three days a week. This is worked well so far.

Joe C.

DW has been in MC for 2-1/2 years and my visitation has change depending what is going on with her and with the community. Most of the time I visit 4 or 5 days a week but if something is going on with her I am there 6 or 7 days a week. At times when there was some virus (Covid/norovirus) going around the facility I would visit less often and at some times the facility has restricted visitation.

Dio

DH has been in the facility a year now. I've only gone to visit once.

Nowhere

My husband is just ten minutes away and if I’m in town, I visit him once or twice a day. He is in advanced dementia and is beyond being able to make up any kind of argument when I leave, although he’ll ask where I’m going. If it’s in the daytime, I tell him I’m going to school, and if it’s bedtime, I tell him I live one building over, and I’ll see him in the morning. It seems wrong to say, I love this stage, but it’s such a relief from the past three years. He smiles and hugs me with relief when I visit. Then I think he forgets I haven’t been there. When I leave, shortly after he doesn’t remember I was there. I take him daily out for a one mile walk. Today he visited our dentist for a gentle teeth cleaning. Often, he enjoys running errands with me.

My husband is quiet and keeps his feelings to himself, and so aides will tell me he paces a lot, but he isn’t exit seeking or talking about getting out. He’s quiet when we are out, too. Sometimes he’ll say he can’t think what to talk about.

You might ask the staff about your wife’s behavior while you’re away all day. Is she actively searching for you or is she content to just be there with the other residents. Might ask, too, how long does it take for her to reset after you exit the building? then just trust your gut. If you think your visiting is hard on her, and you’re okay with staying away, it’s okay! Trust yourself. You’re an amazing caregiver, and you’re going through a difficult time- probably harder on you, then on her as she can’t hold onto these memories like you do.

Pdxnewbie

As others have said, you need to pace yourself and try to avoid any feelings of guilt -- easier said than done of course.

sandwichone123

I go see my spouse twice a week: on Wednesdays after work and on Sunday afternoons. I learned that the Wednesday visit doesn't have to be very long—he used to start talking about the time and I'd know to leave, but now he tells me whatever news of the day a dozen times or so and then winds down and I know it's time to go after about 45 minutes or an hour. Sundays are usually 2 hours because we go out to lunch and another activity, but I think he's ready for his routine after all that.

Vitruvius

I visit three times a week. I go at dinner time and feed her the puréed food and thickened liquids prepared by the MCF. My DW rarely opens her eyes these days, she is barely responsive to anyone's presence.  She eats with her eyes closed, you tap her lip with the spoon and she opens her mouth, something the medtechs call the feeding reflex. 

If I talk to her and ask a yes or no question she might respond with a closed mouth mmm-mmm, so she still recognizes questions as such. The hospice nurse was quite surprised when she actually said "okay" in response to something she asked.

A few months ago she was marginally engaged with me during my visits. I would tell her "I love you" and she would usually respond with "I love you too".  But she is no longer responding to my visit and shows no sign of recognizing me.

I go mostly to check on her condition and care. And to just see her. 

Denise50

My LO has been in MC for 3 mos and I've visited twice a week….visiting on Bingo day makes the time pass easily and with fun and input from the group. I stay for 2 hours and it's a 1 1/2 hr round trip….and I'm exhausted afterwards…both physically and emotionally.

Anyone have any suggestions for books dealing with living with loneliness after a lo is placed??

Denise50

I think every other day is a lot. You need time to recharge and relax.

wizmo

I am in a similar place after DW had multiple stays in psych hospital and finally got to placement May 1. First 2 weeks I visited daily because I miss her and wanted to see what care she is receiving (good btw). The place is 30 minutes each way in good traffic. I vary the times morning/afternoon and usually am there in the hour before meals. Between leaving home March1 and now her decline has been dramatic. I am sure it is a combination of progression, trauma of multiple moves, and medications. She cannot have any normal conversation, can answer simple yes/no questions and occasionally comment on something that catches her attention - a bird flew by etc. She also hallucinates seeing something like a hair or thread, picking it up and giving it to me. Most of the visit we just listen to favorite music which is calming. I make my exit by helping her get seated for lunch/dinner and saying I’ll be back later. She usually doesn’t ask why but i have some excuses to go shopping or meeting a friend.

I intentionally skipped a day in advance of a short trip out of town to visit my family, to find she had no sense of time and does not know if I have been gone for an hour or multiple days. When I did get away for 3 days she still had no different reaction on my return. So now it’s more for me to adjust to separation, skip additional days, make other plans for my new and copious free time.

Arrowhead

I usually visit my wife 5 days a week and stay for about an hour. I try to leave while she is distracted by something else.