My SIL wants me to care for her too?

Lkrielow99 · May 24

My DH is definitely in stage 4 and dipping his toe in a couple stage 5 behaviors on occasions. My health is not the best, I have complications from Scleroderma an incurable and possibly fatal autoimmune disease. My DH sister that is an 80 yo widow is beginning to ask me to help her. I’m 65 and my DH is 75. Im already grieving as I watch him slip away. I worry about everything from finances to my ongoing ability to help my DH. Seems none of their children will help. I know I’m on my own and now have a lot of difficult decisions. I’m working from home and most of the time I’m overwhelmed, sad, and tired. How can I help my SIL, my DH, and myself? I think pointing or arranging help for her is more appropriate than shutting her down. Although my twenty year relationship with her has not been a good one. I was thinking of contacting the COA and find her transportation to medical appointments. Besides asking for money, transportation seems to be her immediate needs now. Any one have any thoughts?

M1 · May 24

I think you are absolutely right to mind your boundaries. Scleroderma is a terrible disease and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

I have compassion for your SiL too, it may be a marker of her desperation that she is reaching out to you. Can you have a Come to Jesus talk with any of her children?

Lkrielow99 · May 25

thanks M1, that is insightful. I’m really not that familiar with her children. I know their first names but not where they live. I’ll try asking around. I think she is desperate and unable to figure out a better solution. I’m hoping to find an agency that she can call to setup her medical transportation.

ronda b · May 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69328/my-sil-wants-me-to-care-for-her-too

ronda b · May 25

Sounds like a very good idea. Also get ahold of her family and explain what's going on. They need to also help her and you.

M5M · May 25

if you are able to get family attention, hopefully some of them will step up….but it will be a shock to them for sure. At least as the conversation starts, be prepared to give them some specific tasks, “ come stay with your mom for a weekend….take mom to doctors appointments….bring her meals 3x week…”
people will sometimes say, “I don’t know what to do”….. then this will give them a task which helps you, and lets them start to get used to mom’s problems. Be firm in saying you are not able to provide her care S you have issues of your own. Best wishes!

Belle · May 25

Please keep your boundary firm. Working, dealing with a chronic illness and having to care for a PWD is too much for one person. Does she have a POA? If so, I would call that person and ask them to step up and care for her. The POA is legally responsible to do that. If they won't do that then I'd call APS and they can either arrange care or force the POA to do something to help her. My concern is that if you start to help you are stuck being the helper until something gets worked out through the courts or APS. Your DH needs you and you need to protect your own health.

Lkrielow99 · May 27

thank you all, M1, Rhonda B, MSM. Belle, I hadn’t thought about who holds her POA. When I pick her up for her doctor's appointment, I will have that discussion with her. You all are great and I’m blessed to have stumbled onto this community. Some days I’m clueless, overwhelmed and always feel lonely. I have friends but as time passes, I have to back out of gatherings. Glad you are all here.

eaglemom · May 27

You have gotten some great idea's here. I wonder if SIL is aware of your condition? You can feel sorry for and even have compassion for her, but you have boundaries. Your DH and yourself come first, period. (As a side note I'm going through something almost exactly like this with my MIL. She's been a cranky, narcissistic, self centered woman for the last 50 years. Since DH's diagnosis 13 yrs ago - which I caused, according to her - she's been even worse. But, I've handled her better - because I didn't allow her to push my buttons. But more importantly, I put up boundaries. She's never been told 'no' to anything she's ever said, until I've started saying it. Sadly, and I don't take any joy in saying this, she has, at 87 yrs old no idea how to handle herself. All because of boundaries. It's sad, but totally of her doing, not mine).

So I will repeat again your DH and yourself come first. Yes, arranging a car ride is lovely, IF you chose to do so. Or whatever you chose to do for your SIL. Because your choosing to do it, not because she's expecting you to do it.

eagle

Lkrielow99 · June 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210745#Comment_210745

Thanks, Eaglemom. I spoke with her on the way to her doctor's appointment about finding other ways she could get to her appointments. I did this in a loving way and explained that my plate was full taking care of her brother. She said she understood and would have her son take more responsibility and/or contact the agencies I gave her. Thank you all for your support and help in setting boundaries.