A hybrid Memory Care plan?

Jazzma

My DH has been in MC for about three months. Prior to that, when he was home, the biggest issues were sundowning from about 3 to 6 in the afternoon when he would get manic and confused, and waking up at night to go pee but going in inappropriate places in the house or going outside to pee off the deck. The sundowning was the hardest for me. Now that he's in MC I can relax knowing that he's safe, but I miss him so much I can hardly stand it. I'm thinking of trying a routine where he goes to MC in the morning (say 10:00) and stays until 6, then comes home for the night. I can put a motion detector in the bedroom to wake me when he gets up, if I don't wake up anyway. We could spend mornings together, when he is most lucid, and sleep together at night. I would keep his MC room so if anything happens he can stay there as needed. The expense will be an issue, but it would be regardless. My friends and family will roll their eyes at this, but I think it could work. Please give me your thoughts — I need to hear from people like you who understand.

ButterflyWings

@Jazzma I can tell how much you miss your DH. I would too. I have not had the experience of MC longer term for my DH, so please take my 2 cents with a grain of salt.

Trying to help you think through this though, I can guess that most will say don't upset the apple cart, or don't change horses in the middle of the stream. Only because there was a reason you got to the point of placement, and because progression is a given so maybe things are just now settling in. Shifting gears on him may throw everything off to where he neither accepts home or his new home, at MC. What did MC say? Would they even support you in this kind of arrangement?

If only there was an extended hours Adult Day Care in your area, this is really what you are describing. But it may or may not work. And if it works now, it may not next week or month as you know dementia is a trickster. We do know that PWDs need routine and what you are suggesting is yet another fairly big change. He might get totally confused and behaviors could reflect that. Or, he might adapt to this new routine you are thinking of establishing.

Sounds like a lot of back and forth though. My DH always loved to "go, and do", but not on a schedule. If I tried what you are suggesting I am certain he would have sat down and refused to budge, (that actually happened one day when we were out and about — he went on strike in our car and he had commandeered the driver's seat when I ran into the Post Office lol). I'm laughing now but it took the entire afternoon, a firefighters' assist, a middle of the street standoff, and total strangers were side-eying and eye-rolling at our antics that day.

Mainly, my MC experience was 1 respite week (10 days actually) and DH was safe while there, but was so far off his baseline when I got him home, it took over a month to get him back to prior "normal". I worry that you might not have the peaceful predictable hours that you are expecting if you do try this. And that he will refuse to go back, once home. What if that happens?

My recollection is that you were not necessarily safe before placement in MC, is that right? So how would you handle the same (or worse) behaviors if his sundowning schedule shifts? Or what would you do in the middle of the night if a new or old behavior comes up say, elopement or weaponing up for the intruders as my DH used to do in the wee hours - making it super dangerous as he also started not recognizing me or other family members and could have really done some harm. Just trying to help you consider all sides.

I don't want to discourage you, but if you do try this just maybe have lower expectations and if somehow things go even better than you are hoping - well, that's a win! I'm sorry, I did not give you an answer at all! I guess my answer would be "it depends". Seems like if it does work, it might not be quite as simple or easy as you think. But then neither is your current situation so I'd say "never say never"! Wishing you luck either way.

M1

Jazzma, in all kindness I have to say I don't think I would do it. It sounds like you want to do it because of YOUR needs, not his. I suspect the back and forth would be too disruptive for him. How often are you visiting? Is there a way you can increase your time with him to meet your needs, but not at the expense of having him have to adjust daily to different environments?

Quilting brings calm

Jazz …if he is most lucid in the morning - then just talk to the MC about how early you can arrive to be with him, and then leave by 10. If you want to return to the MC for a few hours in the evening, then do so. This will be much less disruptive to him than you removing him from the MC for nightly stays.

If I were the MC, I would not agree to your plan due to the disruptions and them having to deal with his daily reaction to being left there. At a time of day that might cause agitation with the rest of the residents

It’s also possible that the MC has a waiting list and a family member of someone on it might get word that a nightly bed is sitting there empty and raise a fuss.

My suggestion is that you start filling up your evening hours with activities, volunteering, meetings, reading, binge watching TV. As M1 commented, your plan is about your adjustment rather than his. You have empty nest syndrome. The best way to deal with that is to find something to do when the empty house bothers you.

harshedbuzz

One thing my mom really struggled with was sleeping alone. Sometimes when she visited dad in MC, they'd nap together after lunch like the old days. How the pair of them made that work in a twin bed is beyond me, but it was very comforting for both of them.

These days she's adopted a quirky senior cat who is a nice distraction.

ButterflyWings

@Jazzma Sending loads of hugs your way today. HB's post raises a good possibility — could you maybe nap with him at MC and then head home in the evening? That might be a lot less disruptive and easier to maintain if you both can get used to that kind of arrangement…

M1

We do this occasionally too—it's entirely possible for two people to snuggle on a twin bed, and the staff doesn't disturb us (her door also is lockable). But frankly, I find it so emotional I can hardly stand it. I get very teary.

Jazzma

Thank you all for your honest and insightful comments. It's what I needed to hear. I do want him home for myself. We often nap together in the afternoon (yes, it's doable on a twin bed) and that is very comforting. Changing the hours I visit is also doable, and would free up time for me during the day. As usual, my brain understands all this but my heart is slow catching up.

Arrowhead

My wife has been in memory care for 6 months now and I get very lonely at times. I especially miss her at night. I've always slept with one arm around her and now that arm is empty. I question what you are considering doing. I think it would be more disruptive for both of you and possibly confusing for him. Still, the decision is yours.