Passing of family member - do I tell?

Rob's Daughter

Hello Everyone -

My uncle passed away last night after a brief illness. He was my Dad's brother. Both my Mom and Dad are in AL both under Hospice care… my Dad is in the later stages, my mom in earlier stages but had a TIA in April that has started the decline. My Dad doesn't know who I am, so I don't think he will remember his brother but I don't honestly know. My mom has some good days and then some bad days… Things I do tell her, she forgets.

Do I mention about my uncle? I can not transport them to the funeral/church that is out of the question, neither one can walk and moving them would be difficult for the day.

We are not a close family, if fact he hadn't seen his brother in well over a year. I do keep in contact with my cousin.

Not sure what to do. Thank you for your help.

JeriLynn66

I would not tell them. There's nothing they or you can do and it would only serve to bring sorrow, if in fact they even remember the Uncle. I'm sorry for your loss and for the circumstances.

jsps139_

I have thought about this kind of situation off and on. I don’t think I would say anything about a family death to my DH. We had to put our cat to sleep a year ago and he still gets very sad every once in awhile when he remembers it. I would be afraid telling him about a family death would just make him too sad.

eaglemom

I think you know the answer to the question. Personally, I would not mention it. There is no upside in doing so. If per chance one of them did remember your Uncle, they'd possibly want to attend the funeral. When you say no, your now the 'bad guy.'

I'm sorry for the loss of your Uncle, but the nicest thing you can do it to not tell your parents so they don't get upset.

eagle

M1

Agree, I wouldn't tell them. Most family news is way beyond my partner's capacity to process and she is not even close to hospice level.

ButterflyWings

It’s unanimous. Keep this to yourself. That’s what I did when DH lost a sibling during the pandemic. I think he was Stage 5.

It would have been cruel to tell him this news over and over, as he would definitely have forgotten and then had to hear it repeatedly— risking forcing him to mourn continuously.

He has never asked, so no harm no foul. It took some firmness on my part to get a few other family members on the same page, but eventually they agreed it was just a habit that could do more harm than good in this situation.

Condolences to your family.

H1235

I agree with all the above. NO. My mil was told of a family members death and sil took her to the funeral against the wishes of siblings. The next day she did not remember that the family member had passed and didn’t even remember the two day trip out of state to attend the funeral. The family member was not someone who visited so it really never came up again.

michiganpat

My brother died last year. I never told our sister who is in a nursing home. She doesn't remember one minute to the next. I bring up his name every so often telling her "what he's doing". She thinks he was in recently to visit her. There is no upside in the telling that I can see.