The feeling of Guilt

Patyh75

Hi everyone, my mom was diagnosed several months ago with Alzheimer’s. She lives with my dad but my father has been having a really hard time copping with this and refuses to learn anything about the disease. My mom always took care of my dad , she did everything. Now things have changed and he just doesn’t know what to do. He has always been mentally abusive to her and to us . So with her not being able to do the things she used to do he gets upset at her and yells at her. We have talked to him about it but he doesn’t listen. We advise my mom to possibly think about leaving him and maybe getting her her own place with a caregiver but she refuses to leave him but also will calls us to tell us she can’t take it anymore living with him . My siblings and I have not offered to take her in because we all have our own issues. My situation is I have kids and I myself suffer from depression. I know I would not be able to have her live with me. But my siblings have not offered it either and I understand. Again we are all helping with other things like taking her to her appointments and making sure she has her medicine refilled. I also bring her to my house to stay a week here and there but it’s really hard having here because I’m constantly watching her and can’t really do much. Anyway i feel like a bad daughter and have so much guilt for not taking her to live with me.

H1235

Welcome. This is a great place to go to vent and get input from others who also this awful dementia journey. Has she assigned a durable power of attorney. This is very important! People with dementia are often not able to make the the best decisions for themselves even when newly diagnosed. I would start looking into assisted living. And if necessary Medicaid and all the requirements. Living with someone who is not treating her with kindness and understanding is not good for her. Will he be aware and willing to help her where she needs it and keep her from doing things she shouldn’t? People with dementia are often unaware of their own limitations and often insist they can do things that are no longer safe for them. She will eventually need to be cared for, if he can’t/won’t do it and moving in with you or your siblings isn’t an option, there will need to be alternative plans made. In my opinion planning ahead and being prepared is much better than having everything fall apart and being forced to figure things out very quickly. If she is not willing to do assisted living a DPOA will be necessary. You will also need it to look out for her financial interests.
My mom lived with my brother for the last year and a half. We just recently moved her to assisted living. She is doing so much better in AL, no question about it.

M1

Welcome to the forum Paty, i agree pretty much with everything Chug said. Sounds like the big issue is that she needs to live away from him, and you need to figure out how to make that happen. Best bet would be not to rile him further, but to convince him it is in his best interest also. It's perfectly true to tell him simply that not everyone is cut out to be a carrgiver; you don't have to point out his failures. The biggest rub may be financial, as he may not be willing to spend the money on assisted living or MC. That may take some careful negotiating and planning.

If your mom has not designated a power of attorney, you should talk to a certified elder law attorney right away, as you or your sibling may be a better choice than her husband.

mabelgirl

As stated above , not everyone is cut out to be a care taker. You should not feel guilty to taking stock of what you can handle. It certainly sounds like pressure is building up in her current home and thus getting your dad to focus on his needs may be the key to get your mom somewhere she’ll be safe. Sorry you dealing with this. Prayers for peace.

Anonymousjpl123

Paty - nothing to feel guilty about (but we all do!). I was the only sibling willing to care for my mom, who none of us were close with, and never considered bringing her home (except for a second here or there). I knew she would not get what she needed.

Even if your dad was a model husband most people require higher level care at some point, and there is absolutely no shame in that. There are people who think that because I live alone I am wrong to not take in my mom, but ONLY those who don’t know me or her at all think that.

the truth is you just need to be sure she is safe and well cared for. Power of Attorney is a must. Your dad may not put up much of a fight, as long as he is capable of living by himself. Does he show signs of dementia? I would say first things first focus on your mom, talk to a CELA about finances, and see what’s around in your area. One step at a time. Caring for someone with dementia is a marathon not a sprint. Glad you found this site. I hope it helps you as it has me.

Patyh75

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211095#Comment_211095

hi Chug we tried getting a senior lawyer to take care of legal matters but my father refused to pay for any legal work. He is a cheap person and when it comes to spending any money he gets really upset. We were only able to get power of attorney for medical decisions. Our problem is who pays for her care if she did go to assisted living? He does take care of her as far as not letting her drive anymore and will make sure she takes her medicine but he has no sympathy, patience with her.

Patyh75

Hi yes we have discussed all those issues with him but my mother even though she complains about him , refuses to go to assisted living. Financially she only gets a check from SS.

harshedbuzz

@Patyh75

This is a very difficult situation and one that is unlikely to be easily remedied.

Your dad's treatment of your mom may be abusive but were you to bring in APS it is very unlikely that the situation would deemed neglect or harm as he will act as though he's caring for her. Unless there is evidence of physical abuse or a dangerous living situation (filth, no food, deprivation, house in disrepair) they won't step in.

Getting mom away from dad is possible, but it would likely be expensive and may not be successful. You'd likely have to have her file for a divorce in order to divide their assets (which dad can likely hide from you) assuming she was deemed competent to do so. He likely doesn't want to spend money on care for her. Perhaps they can't afford it or perhaps he's waiting until the situation no longer works for him— incontinence is often the straw the breaks this camel's back.

If she's getting only a social security check, there's no way she could afford to pay the $30+/hour a professional caregiver would get. If none of her adult children can/will step up as caregiver, she would likely need to spend down to qualify for a Medicaid bed in AL assuming this is available in your state. Often there are waiting lists for such places. Where I live, Medicaid will only cover SNF, and potential residents need to require that level of care to be placed.

Your hands are tied.
HB

Patyh75

Thank you for your input. My father has the money but he is cheap. At this point I’m just going to take it day by day and do my best to help her out with what I can. This has taken a toll on my mental health and it’s beginning to affect my family.