Help remembering which apartment is hers?

Mr_Carpatheos

The situation: a woman with early dementia is able to go out and navigate the town safely, and she enjoys this independence so we don't want to squash it. The trouble is, when she gets back to the apartment building, she sometimes forgets which door is the family apartment and ends up knocking at the wrong one, confused that her key is not working. This, naturally, disturbs people.

Has anyone got any ideas of what might help her, especially if they're based on experience? We realize that she will eventually need full-time accompaniment, but right now it's just this one issue.

Marta

Blow up a family photo and post it on the door.

M1

Welcome to the forum. You could try a family photo as Marta suggests, but I'm less sanguine. I know you don't want to hear it, but this probably means she needs accompaniment now.

What if she got lost? Didn't come home? Do you know for a fact that she's not susceptible to someone trying to attack or divert her? Rob her? We always say around here that safety has to drive the decision making. Someone could be watching her and pull the same trick they would pull on a vulnerable child, offer her a ride and abduct her.

it's a universal response for all of us to think our loved ones are functioning better than can objectively be proved-i do it too. Someone else posted today that their loved one "does fine driving but gets lost. " Well, then that means they shouldn't be driving.

As i said before, I'm sure this is not the suggestion you're hoping for.

Quilting brings calm

if she can’t recognize her own apartment, then can you be sure that she can recognize her building, the block, street, the grocery store, gas station, etc? My mom is not safe to be out of the AL on her own… but she knows which apartment is hers. In my opinion, recognizing your own apartment is an ability lost at some point after you lose the ability to be out and about on your own.

H1235

Even if she is ok right now, how much longer before she is not. How are you going to know it’s not safe for her to be out and about. When she doesn’t come home, when you get a call from the police? Not being able to find the correct door is your warning. Sounds like you are riding a very thin line. Do you really want to wait til there is an incident. I hate to ask, but if she is out and about on her own is she driving?

Emily 123

Hi Mr_Carpatheos,

Is this a new place for her to try to find (did she move in with family), or is this a place she used to be able to find and no longer can?

Marta's idea is a good one. Still, it won't keep her from going door to door unless she can remember to look for the picture on the door in the first place. The problem with trying new reminders is that she has to remember them—and at this point the disease may have progressed enough that she physically can't retain information. Things like a move to a new locale are especially challenging as it will take a lot of repetiton (weeks/months) for the person to get oriented. As is often the case with families, my mom was in stage 4 by the time we realized she needed help. She came to live with me for 9 months, and every morning it was clear she thought she'd just come for a weekend visit. ( If I knew then what I know now I would have just run with that rather than explanations)

She loved her independence too, so I sympathize with you. She wanted to do her daily walks, but would wait until I was on work calls and out the door she'd go. I gave her a map of the neighborhood but she'd still get turned around. Airtags weren't available, so I put a GPS in her pocket, which at least meant I could 'watch' where she was walking and catch her if she wasn't circling back to the house. And I would always pretend to go get the mail right when she'd come around the corner, so she'd know the house. But that was just walking around a block or two in a quiet suburban neighborhood…

The PWD will seem fine until suddenly they're not, and often the way you discover this is that they're on the verge of getting themselves into an unsafe situation. As family we tend to overestimate how well our loved ones are doing when in reality they can't recognize the losses they're experiencing or understand they need help (anosognosia). Very tough too, what with the parent/child dynamics, and the desire to make the loved one understand why you have concerns.

harshedbuzz

@Mr_Carpatheos Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

I am less sanguine than M1. If she's lost in the hall, she's no long safe without a companion. Dementia is progressive. These sorts of situations are safe until they aren't, and you may not get a warning before disaster strikes. That she can't read the apartment number or recognize what it means and hasn't created a work-around like "3rd door on the right" suggests significant memory loss and a significant loss in executive function that puts her at risk in other situations like crossing the street, shoplifting, going into homes she thinks are hers or being taken advantage of by an unsavory individual.

I don't have a lot of faith in the idea of a photograph functioning as a beacon for home based on experience. At my aunt's fancy MCF, the hallways were styled to look like a streetscape. Each suite was fronted by a unique facade— auntie's was a faux brick colonial with a red door and had a potted plant and cast iron garden bench in front. Next door was Victorian and so on. Auntie was fairly early moderate stage and was never able to reliable recognize her door.

At dad's MCF, each room had a shadow box hung at eye-level to the right for family to decorate with pictures but it didn't seem at all useful to that end. He was further along in progression: he'd sometimes recognize himself in the picture but fail to make the connection with it being his room. This was not uncommon among residents on his hallway some of which had very festive doors they'd helped decorate.

One concern is that this behavior has looped in neighbors who may not be sympathetic to the situation. Even if no one is unkind to her, you run a very real risk of APS involvement if some good Samaritan reports this to police or APS. Allowing a person this confused to be out without supervision would be deemed neglect.

HB

Iris L.

The loss of ability to recognize things is called agnosia (different from anosognosia). This is why a PWD can get lost in her own home and can't find the bathroom. This is part of dementia and there is no way to improve it, by putting up signs or such, because they don't recognize the signs either.

Iris

ButterflyWings

@Mr_Carpatheos I am afraid that I have nothing to add, but will repeat the things that you are hearing from experienced members (caregivers and LOs who have been where you are).

The situation: a woman with early dementia is able to go out and navigate the town safely, (I agree with the other members who are basically asking how can that be? How can you be sure? It sounds like a real long shot that someone who can't find her own apartment in the building is "safe" navigating around any size town alone. Is she driving?)

and she enjoys this independence so we don't want to squash it. (We understand. But dementia is squashing it, not you. And to ignore that is denial which is extremely dangerous. It allows someone to unknowingly neglect or enable PWDs. Our job as caregivers or just close family or friends is to be proactive about taking the necessary precautions to protect her and others. You put on your seatbelt BEFORE the crash. Parachute before jumping, childproof the outlets before the baby sticks a finger or metal object in the socket…you get the point.)

The trouble is, when she gets back to the apartment building, she sometimes forgets which door is the family apartment and ends up knocking at the wrong one, confused that her key is not working. This is not early stage cognitive impairment. She should not be alone. She not only is forgetting which door is "home" but not processing when trying a key that obviously does not work. This is a predator's dream. Someone obviously impaired and left to their own devices. Who is helping her with finances, any medications, etc?.

This, naturally, disturbs people. Family? Neighbors? Strangers? What if she encounters another cognitively impaired person? She could get punched for "disturbing" them. I could imagine someone with this level of confusion and disorientation to place, possibly entering a public men's room vs the ladies room…this just isn't good. Why consider this level of "independence" a good thing now that you know?

Has anyone got any ideas of what might help her, especially if they're based on experience? Yes. My DH's dr's orders were "watch him". And they meant it. If you do this 24/7 for a week, it will be very telling. Everyone here is saying it is time for supervision. Based on experience and after a few mishaps with my own LO, I agree 1000%.

We realize that she will eventually need full-time accompaniment, but right now it's just this one issue. This one issue is HUGE, with many other issues and implications wrapped up in it.

*Welcome to our world (or sometimes nightmare is one way to think of it). And forgive the "tough love" that may feel really negative. It is not. It is just pulling off the blinders and realizing our LOs are going through mainly invisible changes for a long time, that can endanger them and others, RIGHT NOW. There are hundreds of people posting here every day (thousands reading and interacting sometimes) - and hoping to share some of our lived experiences to help the next person. That's the other thing DH's doc told us on diagnosis: Join this free forum - read, ask questions, listen, and follow the tried and true guidance. Best advice ever.

It is super hard to hear and even harder to make the changes needed, especially if multiple family members don't agree. Hoping you will have a smoother adjustment to doing what is needed - you all are in charge now.