Don't Know What to Do

Tamiw

I have been caring for my dad in his home in CA since December (Live in NC). I have left my family, home, job, friends-LIFE. I'm struggling with the idea of being here "forever." My dad cannot be alone, cook, eat properly, drive, conduct personal hygiene properly, etc. I have full POA (financially & healthcare). He spends the first few hours of the day in a confused and agitated way, then by about mid-day he is little better. I have seen a steep decline in the last 5 months (cognitively & physically) and am actively looking for a memory care facility. The issue is that he continually tells me he can be a lone and he'll get better. He is in a constant state of deep depression. He just watches news all day or sleeps. He doesn't engage in conversation and he won't leave the house. I am coming undone. I am in the process of finding a memory care facility (luckily he has the funds), but he won't even discuss it. He says he's sorry for "wrecking my life, " but he's fully willing to do so without discussion. When I try to talk to him about not being able to live a lone he totally flips out and won't even hear what I have to say. It is getting to the point where I just can't provide what he needs. I love my dad (that's why I'm here), but he has always been a bit selfish and it is amplified now. I'm so frustrated and I am becoming more and more depressed and lonely. I miss my husband, family and home desparately.

mabelgirl

I’m sorry you’re facing this and understand totally what you deal with on a daily basis. Your dad sounds like my mom in that she also says she can live alone in an apartment and that there is nothing wrong with her. This is common from what I have read, and is called Anosognosia, it is a neurological thing where they don’t see their deficiencies. I wouldn’t try to reason with your dad , he doesn’t have the ability. My mom thinks I steal from her, and all though I can show her no money has left her account she still thinks I do. I trust you’ve gotten your dad on proper medications for agitation, although if with them my mom still gets agitated easily. You should not forego to take care of your dad in my opinion. The move to MC sounds like a good solution to ensure his safety and care, as well as to allow you to live your life. I’m in the process of moving my mom to AL as well. I pray your transition goes smooth and you gain your life back. Please read other posts on this site as it will help you in my opinion.

Emily 123

Hi Tami,

You're dad's lucky to have you in his corner. Have you talked to his healthcare provider about his depression? Maybe some adjustments to his meds might help. As you know, a lot of his behaviors are the result of the disease. He just doesn't have the capacity to manage new information or his emotions very well, but that doesn't make it any easier for you. I agree with mabelgirl—you can't reason with your dad, so it's going to be easier to work around him and get him set up for a move. You don't have to explain why, because he doesn't have the capacity anymore to understand the reasoning, or have the recall to know how he's being affected by the disease. He just knows the here and now.

Sometimes MC's have spare furnishings they'll let you use, which may save you some time and stress when you move him. Once you select an MC have a talk with them about how to get your dad moved—a lot of times the person gets taken out for lunch with a stop at the facility and the staff will engage them so you can slip out the door. Once in, it may be easier to tell them that staying at the facility is because of home repairs or doctor's orders. My mom was quite debilitated after the flu and a UTI so the MC became an inpatient rehab to get her stronger per 'doctor's orders'. Sometimes the poor memory can work in your favor…I know if you browse around you'll see a lot from others in your same situation. I'm sorry…hang in there.

dancsfo

I agree with @mabelgirl on reading posts on how to deal with moving to MC. You can, for example, pretend that there needs to be major repairs to home, and your dad needs to move out "for a little while", so you'll help pack some belongings, and then move him to MC. Other posts have proposed other ideas that don't require a full discussion or consent before moving. If you're lucky, your dad won't remember what happened, and will accept life at MC.

DTSbuddy

Move him. In his right mind, he would want you to do that. Chances are very good that he will be happier in a structured facility. The POA means that you act in his best interest. It can be difficult to trade places and become the responsible one. Take care of yourself.

M1

welcome to the forum. Have you thought about moving him to a MC in North Carolina? Supervising from the other coast is going to be very difficult. This very afternoon I had to drop everything and meet my partner in the emergency room after a fall at her MC facility. It’s now 1am and we have been in the ER since 5pm. there’s no way she could have been evaluated without me here.

if there is some reason not to move him to NC, I would hire a professional care manager but even that will have its drawbacks.

psg712

Agree with M1. Unless you have family in close proximity to his home in CA, it's going to be really tough for you to monitor everything for your dad from NC. Even if this were true, you are the POA and responsible for decisions.

I moved my mom 400 miles to be closer to me in a facility. She was not pleased at the time. But I have a job and family at home, and could not justify uprooting everyone else to keep mom where she was. That was only 2 years ago, and she now cannot remember her old home or lifelong friends that she left behind. It's all gone from her mind, but she is close enough to us now to be a regular part of our lives.