Heartbroken

PKidd

I know I'm not the only one but I am just so sad. I make myself get up and go through the motions of life everyday but it takes all the energy I have. Knowing I will be without him someday is breaking my heart. The tears won't stop.

charley0419

I go through same emotions everyday. It’s part of this dreaded illness.

ButterflyWings

Same. My beloved's decline has escalated in the last several weeks and I am watching him disappear before my very eyes. Heartbroken is right. That anticipatory grief we all have to live with. So hard. Sending you hugs.

LJCHR

Same. I go through each day pretending that everything is normal and that I am not sad all the time. I also know that today is the best day we will have. I do this for my DH. But what tomorrow will bring is always in the back of my mind.

Thank goodness for this forum.

Abby1567

I could have written your post. I’m so sad every single day. Frantic is sometimes a better word to describe how I feel. My heart is broken. I’m trying to determine if making a move to a smaller house is the right thing to do at this time. I would say my DH is stage 4-5. This house is too much for me and I just want to be able to concentrate 100% on his care. It’s just constant stress and sadness for all of us going through this horrible disease. Always, always something to fret about. I can see why the caretakers sometimes die before our loved ones.

JDancer

I also struggle with depression. There's so much to do, but depression saps my energy and makes everything difficult. However, I look forward to the day he's gone.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69451/heartbroken

I am so sorry and totally understand how you feel. I got up this morning and said I needed support and was going to post the exact same thing that you posted. I saw a wedding on TV last night and sobbed. I had to put my DH in Memory Care 6 months ago due to my cancer diagnosis and I moved in with my daughter. Going thru chemo & then double mastectomy 5 weeks ago I had so much going on that I didn't allow myself to grieve his loss until now. Now the sadness is physically affecting me in the pit of my stomach. I think the Memory Care Facility he's in has a support group. If so, when I am able to drive again, I'm going to join it. Wish I could give you a hug. Thank goodness for this group.

ImMaggieMae

I feel the same. It’s a 24/7 job here but no matter what I do, I can’t ultimately make him better. I love him so much, even though he’s mostly non verbal and very wobbly on his feet these days. He still sits on the sofa and holds my hand. He’s still himself, somewhere in there. I can’t even think of him being gone. He doesn’t deserve any of this. I can see the progression and I get so frustrated, trying everything I can think of to make him better. Medications help, but it’s a balancing act, keeping him feeling calm without making him drowsy and nodding off. And it can change daily. We pray for the good days. The feelings of depression and helplessness definitely saps my energy.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211787#Comment_211787

you have so much on your plate. Taking care of you is so important. I’m sure everything has been turned upside down for you. I hope you find a support group to help you navigate through this. Keep us posted.

marier

I too could of written your post. Everyday it is a battle to keep moving and prevent the extreme sadness from overwhelming me. Every day I try to feel the sadness then let it go. It leaves briefly and always returns.

I to wait for my DH to be at rest with the Lord. However then I wonder if I will be able to cope after his death or if I will be able to rebuild my life.

I do try to be grateful for all that I have and try to stay in moment instead of the past or the future. Difficult at best. I hate this disease.

M1

Me too! Sunday was my birthday, and it was hard despite my granddaughters. Monday I could barely get out of bed, let myself be lazy. Finally went out to mow the grass about 3 and an hour later is when I got the call of another fall, another downturn. We’re heading for hospice now, and 24 hour sitters and/or cameras because of no safety awareness.

Every day is a struggle. It does help to know that we’re in this together.

ButterflyWings

@M1 Happy belated birthday - it feels like our lives are on hold right now, in so many ways. May the deferred birthday joy be yours again at some point in the future.

The main thing we can hold onto is, where would they be without us? And we stay the course.

Heartland65

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too suffer from depression and even anger. I frequently ask myself about why we have to endure this. Watching my DH die a little every day is heartbreaking, but I am still thankful for every day that we have together. We will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary in July, but sometimes he doesn't even know who I am.

The most important thing I can say it that you have to take care of yourself also. Please talk to your doctor about your depression. Sometimes medication can help. That doesn't make you weak, it just means that you need help dealing with an impossible situation. Hang in there and accept a big hug.

GiGi1963

I am sad and cry every day. Sometimes more than once. I try to go about my day but there is only routine- no companion to laugh with, go to lunch or listen to favorite songs with and life has forever changed. This is not how I thought our golden years would be.

brs

Today was a biannual wellness appt for me at the cancer center. Although I'm grateful for recovery I also was angry and grieving for the many peop!e effected by cancer and ALZ that has inflicted itself upon my DH and your loved ones. I too struggle to find joy in the present by being focused on the "now". Each day is anew with possibility and challenges. Thank you friend for being here. I appreciate having a community who understands.

RetiredTeacher

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69451/heartbroken

It is so very hard! We have all been where you are. Eventually, over time, reality becomes clear. Not that you like what thay reality is but know and then learn to accept there is nothing you can do to change the outcom.. It is heartbreaking learning to accept the new reality and grieving the loss of the person you used to share your life with and the future plans you shared… It trsts your strength, your patience and your sanity. You must stay strong, mentally, physically and spiritually. Know you are not alone. There are so many of us out there suffering alone. This forum is a life saver..

White Crane

M1, belated birthday wishes.

I’m right there with the rest of you when it comes to sadness. Even when I’m smiling, the sadness is still there just under the surface.

annie51

Thank goodness for this forum - it's comforting to have others that can totally understand what we're going through, but it's so sad for you and all of us that we're here. I try to stay as positive as possible but I have crying fits every once in a while that I just cannot control. This is triggered by different circumstances…the last one being when DH asked me something 10 times over the course of about a minute. I just got so sad that he couldn't remember in the next instant. Then he thinks he did something to upset me and tells me he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me…which makes me cry even more!

The sadness is natural but at some point, if it takes over the positive thought, I think I would talk to my doctor.

Stay strong everyone!

PookieBlue

Annie, Ditto

drsd112

PKidd,

Same. Having a LO dealing with this horrible disease is so draining. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. This forum has a been a lifeline for me.

I don't post often but am here visiting most every day. Virtually everything I have dealt with watching my Mom deal with disease has been discussed by others. I helps me to know I'm not alone in my struggle, which helps prop me up and keep putting one foot in front of the other every day because if others are doing it so can I.

CindyBum

Same. Today my DW told me that I'm the cause of all her unhappiness and loneliness. She often can't string a sentence together, but that she managed to get out. Lucky me.

I want to run away and hide and never have to deal with this ever again. It's awful to hold two competing thoughts/feelings in my head — 1) I'm heartbroken to have her leaving me and knowing I'll be without her one day, and 2) I wish I were done and could have my life back and a day when I'm not the person who's caused her this pain.

forthelove

I have been in limbo. Just waiting for hope of some kind. But, the PET scan results show widespread amyloid plaque and his APO4/APO4 make drug therapy out of the question per his Neuro. So, yes, I am now in tears knowing what’s coming. Unfortunately, the stress has torn up my guts and I have a bleeding ulcer. Feeling ill makes it extra tough to cope. I plan to find a support group or go to a counselor.

Dio

I think all of us here feel the same pain. And we definitely get it. When acquaintances ask, "How are you doing?" I say, "I have good days and bad. But the pain is there everyday." Some return with sympathetic eyes while others have a blank stare. They have no idea.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69451/heartbroken

I am so sorry and I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. I remember about 2 years ago I had uncontrollable crying. It was scary. I did go to a therapist, and it helped. Eventually I had to take antidepressants and they have helped. Somehow you get to a point of acceptance for what is and just try to make it through the day. I notice that once in awhile, I have a tiny bit of joy over the simpliest things, like the weather, flowers etc. I have to remind myself when I am down that I did have some positive feelings when … and they will come again. Whatever works to get us through.