When / how to correct?
My DW has cognitive impairment, so not to the dementia level yet (thank goodness). However, I am trying to learn when to say or correct discussions. For example, the other day she locked me out of the house - it is only the two of us, so when I came in the back door I said "hey you locked me out" her response "I did not". Well, I know I did not lock myself out and replied as such. The conversation went downhill …. So in that instance of the "I did not" response what could I have done better or differently. We are new to this process and would love to have some group wisdom.
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The best advice we got for my Dad was if the loved one says something you know to be other than what you believe…if no harm to the statement…let it go. Their "truth" and yours will differ and there is no point in trying to correct them. This also goes for actions…putting on multiple layers of clothes, not putting things away correctly, etc. If no harm comes from the action, there is no point in trying to get them to see your point.
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loveskitties nailed it. Your LO may have anosognosia (many PWDs do, even if she is very early stages). It is part of the brain decline in progress and prevents any awareness that they have deficits.
So the only explanation when you contradict what her brain is telling her is…you are wrong, or eventually you are deliberately gaslighting her and are intentionally being a jerk. Of course it goes downhill from there. Since she can't help what is happening and has no awareness of it — it is up to you to find ways to rise above, and not participate in a free for all (or free fall, into the dementia abyss).
It can really be challenging, we do know! Been there, done it, still shaking my head. But that's dementia. There are more important things you will need her trust and cooperation for (POAs, financial matters and relinquishing driving, etc), so it is in your best interest to learn the work-arounds so as not to sweat the small stuff.
Here are some tips:
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Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad you found this place.
You don't. Ever. The first rule of Dementia Fight Club is that one never tries to reason with a person who has dementia.
Correcting a PWD is a fool's errand. You will not change her belief that she did or didn't do something. To her it will feel like gaslighting at best and accusations the rest of the time. You will not be able to dissuade her; it will only cause hurt, insult, and cause her to not see you as a person she can trust. Alas, emotional intelligence will be preserved for a long time, and she will carry the emotional upset around this long after she remembers why she was upset.
If she's very new to this diagnosis, be aware that many neurologists want to have several appointments over 6-12 months before using the term dementia and that PCPs are reluctant to give a dementia diagnosis at all.
Now you know to convert to smart lock entry set or add a combination hanging lockbox with a spare key inside.
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In time, you will learn not to even say “hey, you locked me out,” because you’ll know what’s coming next! And you’ll “choose calm” by not even bringing it up. I know we would love to hear … Oh, I locked the door? I’m so sorry! … But, those days are over. They are just not capable of those apologies anymore.
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Welcome. To reiterate harshedbuzz's point: jf you've been told she has mild cognitive impairment, take it with a huge grain of salt. Practitioners avoid the dementia diagnosis for unclear reasons: maybe wanting to be gentle, wanting multiple time points, or wanting not to be the messenger who gets shot.
IIf you look to the right under quick links and groups, there's one for new members with a lot of frequently referenced information. In there is an excellent staging tool from Tam Cummings, you may want to have a look.
one of the very early but devastating losses is that you can no longer have give and take, back and forth with your partner. Im so sorry, but hopefully this forum can help. It has helped me immensely.
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Like those before me have said. Use the 10 suggestions on that chart. It serves no purpose to correct or argue. Just move on, your life and hers will both be better.
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Thanks all, this is good information and very helpful. Definitely tough for a type A person like me to not argue, but now I can practice that advice. Glad to have found you all.
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JUST DONT ARUGE do yourself a favor don’t argue or correct , you’ll never win battles took me year to realize.
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My wife locked me out of the house too, so I always put my keys in my pocket before going out, even if it's just to get the mail from the box on the porch.
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Yes, I did not mention how many times I was locked out! lol - and this was before we started seeing other signs of "something's wrong here", and began the process leading to diagnosis.
In those very early pre-diagnosis days, it would have been easy to start believing maybe our relationship was slipping or worse. He seemed so inconsiderate and it never occurred to me that he was on auto-pilot for some things like locking the door. That he likely forgot whether I was in or out, and later even forgot there was even a "me"!
Fast forward to mid stages which were full of raging raucous and wild adventures. Especially when a silent UTI took hold (be on the lookout if sudden negative behaviors pop-up, it may be a silent UTI, common for PWDs)
Well, your post prompted a flashback to the day he locked me out — meaning I was locked in the sweltering hot garage (in the dark)! Like Arrowhead I learned to always have my keys, phone, charger, ID and garage door opener on me, but couldn't use the key because he barricaded the door!
- He was peeking at me through the window and refused to move the chair he'd wedged under the doorknob.
- And I was not willing to open the garage door and get eaten alive by mosquitos (it was just after dusk), or maybe let some things into the garage with me that shouldn't be there.
- I tried calling someone he normally trusts and letting them talk him down via speaker phone. He didn't believe it was who they said it was (could see their face via FaceTime — poor DH was just deep in delusion and hallucination mode and I hadn't seen that exact version of it before).
- I didn't feel comfortable driving away and coming in the front door (didn't think of it honestly, but that worked another time when he was not cooperating at the door - refusing to enter the house, but when I ran around to the other door and greeted him there he responded to me like I was a different person and all was well). Go figure.
- Well, the end of that "locked me in the garage" episode was — I waited him out and when he moved away from the door I sort of broke in. He was nowhere to be seen and I just went and sat on the sofa to process what the heck just happened.
- SURPRISE! DH came out of the bedroom so happy to see me! And telling me all about the crazy lady who had tried to break in earlier (he wasn't recognizing me — that's why intentionally locked me out and then barricaded the door). Oh My.
- It was a UTI, we later learned.
So, it sounds like she just forgot - nothing intentional at all, and you need to keep your keys etc. on you (I slept with them for years). Another pro tip: this is a good time to start securing anything else that you don't want to go missing, or get flushed, or tossed.
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Please read the stages. Your DW appears to be more advanced than cognitive impairment. I have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment. I might accidently lock myself or someone out of the house, but I would be cognizant when this was brought to my attention. Your DW appears to have anosognosia.
Iris
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I’m more of a Type A as well. It took me a bit of working on myself to learn the rule of not arguing or letting it go. Now I often hear myself saying “It was me, I must have forgotten” or not saying anything at all.
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Rule 1 about not argueing was the first rule I learned when starting on this process. Be aware, there will come a time when that rule is forgotten, for instance, right when you are making breakfast and find the eggs in the freezer and you say, "Why did you put the eggs in the freezer." And the response is "I didn't put them there." You may lose it a little bit and that's alright. You will get your head screwed back on and continue on with plan B for breakfast.
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as others have said, don't argue. Their ability to reason is gone. If you haven't done so already, read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which really helped after my DH was diagnosed. It was recommended by a nurse.
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The one thing I can't avoid arguing is an answer to: "Where do you live?" DW asserts she hasn't seen me in days/weeks/year. I ask whether it's okay for me to live here, and she says, "Yes, but where have you been? I've been living alone for a long time."
I eventually say, "Here". I don't know what else to say. I'm not a good fabulist, and saying something else requires more than just a fiblet. I occasionally take a joint selfie to use as "evidence". (I know, I know, DON'T.) I don't usually point out that all my clothes are here, I get mail here.
And of course it's funny. I know where we keep things and she doesn't. I know the neighbors and she no longer does, for the most part. I know my way around the area and she doesn't. I know where the dog's food is and how much to feed her. I can operate the gadgets in the house.
I'm DW's mind and her memory, and she's complete oblivious, although occasionally she does say, "I don't know what I'd do without you." Neither do I.
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Your last sentence got to me. My DH will say that same thing to me more than once a day. I always reply with “you would do the same for me.” But just now, reading your comments, it made me tear up. I feel very alone today, missing my best friend and partner, even though he is sitting right next to me.
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Reading your comment, trottingalong, and re-reading mine, I realize there's an ambiguity, so I want to clarify.
I'm DW's mind and her memory, and she's complete oblivious, although occasionally she does say, "I don't know what I'd do without you." Neither do I.
I didn't mean I wouldn't know what to do without DW. I meant I didn't know what DW would do without me.
In DW's mind, she's completely capable of living on her own and has done so for a long time. That's not even remotely true now. Recently I realized she may have reverted mentally to when she was a graduate student. She did indeed live alone (mostly) and was quite capable of taking care of herself in all respects.
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What would my DH do without me? I'm all he has. Estranged from his family, his best friends have died. I do everything for him. And, no, he wouldn't do the same for me.
Dementia sucks.
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JDancer "And, no, he wouldn't do the same for me."
I hear you. (((Hugs))) Yes, dementia sucks!
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This is also a struggle for me…I learned the hard way that contradicting NEVER seems to end well. The more he progresses, the more quickly it turns sour. Of course, I still revert to my old behaviors sometimes…hard to be constantly admitting that it was your fault or you were in the wrong. I heard a tip once about slowly counting to 3 before answering and I need to remember that tip. I think it will help to focus on keeping the emotions where we need them to be.
And, yes, dementia sucks!!
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exactly agree. I don’t know what my DH would do without me.
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I know better that to correct but it still just comes out sometimes. I always regret it but it just slips out. Try to let things go but don't beat yourself up about it. We are all just doing the best we can! Big hugs to you ☀️
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There is one topic that I have never agreed nor remained silent about, though I did not argue. Maybe a handful of times, DH had the delusion that some PWDs do, of my "boyfriend" or "that other guy you're seeing".
It came across less of an accusation that he wanted to harp on and argue about, but as a statement of fact that I in no way wanted to reinforce. If I admitted to something so serious, that wasn't even true, I figured it would be just my luck it would be the one thing DH would remember forever and hold against me. No way would I ever agree to something so volatile, especially since it could not be further from the truth.
We never had even a hint of cheating issues in our marriage, nor even looking at another person — neither one of us. So I must admit to breaking the rule there. I definitely corrected the erroneous statement (only once each time it came up) and then changed the subject.
I made a point of telling him calmly and clearly that there was no one for me, but him. That what he was saying "would never, ever, happen because I love him - my amazing husband and no one else. Never have, never will. Period." I refused to continue the conversation, as if I didn't hear if he said anything further and he let it go each time thank goodness.
I was lucky it worked out and didn't backfire. This was early stages so he was comprehending more and I don't think anosognosia had fully set in yet, at that time. And honestly I couldn't stop myself. DH's first wife DID cheat on him, and I always hoped he would never regress to the point of thinking I was that wife. Never happened thank goodness. And I got better at sticking to the rules of engagement with Alzheimers, etc.
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> @ButterflyWings said:
> There is one topic that I have never agreed nor remained silent about, though I did not argue. Maybe a handful of times, DH had the delusion that some PWDs do, of my "boyfriend" or "that other guy you're seeing".
> It came across less of an accusation that he wanted to harp on and argue about, but as a statement of fact that I in no way wanted to reinforce. If I admitted to something so serious, that wasn't even true, I figured it would be just my luck it would be the one thing DH would remember forever and hold against me. No way would I ever agree to something so volatile, especially since it could not be further from the truth.
> We never had even a hint of cheating issues in our marriage, nor even looking at another person — neither one of us. So I must admit to breaking the rule there. I definitely corrected the erroneous statement (only once each time it came up) and then changed the subject.
> I made a point of telling him calmly and clearly that there was no one for me, but him. That what he was saying "would never, ever, happen because I love him - my amazing husband and no one else. Never have, never will. Period." I refused to continue the conversation, as if I didn't hear if he said anything further and he let it go each time thank goodness.
> I was lucky it worked out and didn't backfire. This was early stages so he was comprehending more and I don't think anosognosia had fully set in yet, at that time. And honestly I couldn't stop myself. DH's first wife DID cheat on him, and I always hoped he would never regress to the point of thinking I was that wife. Never happened thank goodness. And I got better at sticking to the rules of engagement with Alzheimers, etc.
My first comment on the group , my husband is 67 and has mild cognitive decline- tonight I popped to the shops and he rang me demanding to know where I was , even though I’d left a note and spoke on the phone just after setting off . When I got home after 1.5 hours with shopping I asked him if he felt anxious when I go out and he was shouting at me and said he could hear someone in the car with me - I feel so sad and upset . If I go out for a short time I get so many calls and he thinks I’m cheating . I used to be so independent and I feel so trapped and alone6 -
our world sure does shrink, doesn’t it. I make sure my ring tone is on high when I leave the house. I can never fully relax, always aware a call or text could come at any time needing me home asap. My DH also has copd, consequently has breathing attacks.
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After awhile, even distraction or redirect or reassure or any re— just didn't work. To retain some of my own sanity, I simply ignored him. Sometimes, he'd give up in time. Sometimes, he'd badger me until I gave him an answer. But the best answer seemed to have been, "you're right" no matter what the situation was. I would apologize even though I did nothing wrong. This soothed him a little. Then the accusations or reprimands repeated—started over, and over, and over… and I wanted to slit my wrist or just disappear. But I got through it all, and I'm still standing today. So will you. Hugs…
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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