Anger vs Guilt

lanie68ny

Hi. I am an only child of a single mother since I'm 6mos old. Mom doesn't have a formal diagnosis yet but definitely some form of dementia. She lives alone currently. She is solely dependent on me for everything. I am extremely diligent, and have everything organized and do to make things easy for her, reminders, signs and more. That said she can call me up to 8 or 9 times a day, and repeats herself. She Dosent believe me when I tell her things she has done, nor does she look at my notes and signs that are designed to help her. I work FT and travel alot, living with me is not an option. I understand socialization is important she wouldn't have that here. Plus I clearly lack caregiver traits. I find myself angry all the time at her. If the phone rings I'm mad before I even speak. My mind knows better but it's a visceral response. I love this woman, I cook, clean, do meds, take her to Dr's, pay all her bills but I feel like I am suffocating under this pressure. I do have a husband who is supportive but didn't have a good relationship with his parents so his understanding is limited. I also have 2 grown sons they too are helpful now and again. But it's me for everything. I feel, actually know it's time for her to be in a ALF, but then I think, it's not gonna help. She is still gonna call me, I'm all she has. Knowi g my phone is going to ring tonight keeps me up with anxiety . Not sure how long I can do this. I just started therapy, I'm hoping for some tools to relieve my stress. I feel incredibly isolated. Is this normal or am I just not enough.

Quilting brings calm

The AL will help. There will be people there to see to her needs 24/7. Therefore you can rest assured when you are traveling. She will have things to do. You will be able to ignore the multiple calls because the staff will call you on the office line if it’s really important.

And it’s ok to feel that you should not be the 24/7 caregiver, I certainly didn’t feel up to it either. The AL has been a lifesaver for us. One thing they told me early on was to ignore the multiple calls if I could.

H1235

Welcome. At AL you can ignore or block her calls if you need to. If there is a true problem the facility will call. You may even find with the interaction of others she doesn’t feel the need to call as much. I would get started on the move as soon as possible for the sake of you both. You can be her daughter again instead of caregiver. Some places do have a waiting list to get in. There is a lot to consider in finding the right place. If money is an issue you may also need to consider the Medicaid program and requirements in your state. I hope all goes well.

M1

welcome to the forum. She does sound like she should not be living alone. Whether it's AL or MC, remember that she does not HAVE to have a telephone. That may be the answer.

I hope you have power of attorney? Becuase it's quite likely that you will have to make a change in her living situation without her consent or against her wishes. If you don't already have it, that needs to be your first step through a certified elder law attorney (CELA). The CELA can also help look at her finances regarding how to fund her future care, especially if Medicaid is going to be needed.

If you look to the right of the webpage under Quick Links and Groups, there is one for new members that has collected a lot of freqeuently referenced information and support tools. Worth a look.

Charlie4316

I am the sole caretaker for my 96.5 year old mom who was originally diagnosed with Severe White Matter Disease via CT Scan in 2020 but I only recently found the report within her stacks of papers. Since then she has been diagnosed with Mixed Dementia; Vascular Dementia; Alzheimer’s Dementia; Senile Dementia. I lived nearby and would visit her weekly, do her finances with her, and call daily at her request (which I came to dread due to her dementia symptoms she became angry and paranoid toward me) and provide companionship. I have an older sister who had a falling out with our mom about 12 years ago and abandoned us because of this. I had to retire early because of the amount of work and attention she needs. Her wish has been to remain in her condo apartment with in-home care, but as her brain deteriorates she resists the majority of my efforts such as 24/7 caregivers and to relinquish control of her finances. My husband and I needed to move out of state to care for his brother who is struggling with 4 types of cancer and is alone, so I've been doing it long distance for about one year. I had POA, HCP, but my sister is back in my mother's life (my mother can not remember why they had a falling out) and brought several new lawyers to change her Will & Revocable Trust in her favor and cut me out. I have a good attorney, and filed a Petition for Guardianship because it seems that my mother is being exploited (she has a large amount of assets). I have been granted Temporary Guardianship, the hearing is next month. This is causing me a lot of anger, anxiety and guilt (for bringing legal action stating my mother is incompetent). I did reach out to the latest attorney and informed him that of her diagnoses and provided medical documentation but he ignored me. She will only allow a weekend caregiver, but my 31 year old daughter with whom she enjoys a good relationship has been visiting and providing weekday care for the past 1.5 years but she is burning out. I wish I had been able to move her to ALF before this development but I knew she didn't want this, and now regret putting in so much effort to do the impossible. I've also struggled to find good quality in-home medical services that also treat dementia, because of my advocacy about this the last agency announced they were discharging her because I was problematic. I'm referred to her 4th agency now. I have had to provide a lot of documentation for the guardianship hearing, has anyone else had similar experiences? I'd love to hear from you.