new to group and sad/anxious about my dad’s decline

mullrich

Hi all, I am the POA/ caregiver for my 90 year old dad who has dementia. He lives in a facility that is just a couple of miles from me and for the most part has been happy there. I was also POA for my mom who died 2 1/2 years ago after a 19 year journey with alzheimer’s. Although it was difficult to see my mom decline, she was much easier to deal with than my dad. My dad has always been a bit of a malcontent and now that he is losing his ability to manage the things he used to be really good at he is miserable. Sometimes it is really hard to be around him and I have to give myself pep talks before I go and see him. Recently we had to transition him from a smartphone to a flip phone and a smart tv to a cable tv and he is really struggling with the reality that he can’t navigate this technology anymore. I am a pleaser and ai tend to take on the feelings of the people I am closest with so it is so hard to see him so upset.

I know that I am doing my best and he will continue declining and I thought it may help to share in this group because I am sure I am not the only one who feels like this.

Charlie4316

Hi, thanks for sharing, I can relate to this and have felt helpless watching my mother's cognitive decline. Technology is so frustrating for them, one of my mom's symptoms is paranoia so she blames me and/or my husband for tricking her or being the cause of her inability to use her TV, or computer which she used to enjoy, she blames us for stealing her emails and it's hard for us to remember it's the disease and not take it personally when we get assaulted with accusations relentlessly. It's so sad and always remind myself that Alzheimer's is a long good-bye, I am grieving everyday over this.

RoyalBlue

I can also relate to these feelings. Dementia is a very long life changing goodbye for all involved. We have to remember we are doing our best and need to care for us first because as I have been told you can not pour ANYTHING from an empty cup. The person that is saying or doing these hurtful things is not the person you once knew. Always think safety in all of this. If it is not safe and you have a feeling something needs to change see to it that it is changed. Do not allow guilt to cause you to overlook safety. You work on keeping yourself in a good place. Ask for help. There is way to many options out there to help. Remember grief happens in many things not just in losing someone to death. I know that there has been many things in life that has not turned out as I thought they would and I just had to find peace in knowing I did my best and I do not control it all. It hurts for sure! Grief is love with know place to go I have read. Also I have learned that you can react or respond to things that happen to you. Reacting is usually a off the cuff action! Responding to it means you have given yourself time to think it over and come up with an answer that will be for the betterment of all…maybe. I truly hope and pray for the best for us all. Be yourself, but be your best self! Take care of you!!

mabelgirl

I would bet if we took a poll of the caregivers we’d get a 75% ratio of folks saying they have felt the struggle you are feeling. My mom loves to use her iPad (she calls it her Facebook). She forgets how to use the buttons and is constantly telling me that my magic electric tricks are keeping her from seeing what’s going on from checking her bank account! She’ll have her bank account up in front of her and then will yell at me to come get her into bank and to stop blocking her from seeing my stealing. I get the dread of confronting our LO for me it’s grief with a side of exhaustion.

mullrich

thanks for the supportive comments. He is really struggling today with the changes and has either tried to call or left me voicemails about it. I have to keep reminding myself that eventually he will forget and calm down