Helpful friend or not?

mabelgirl · June 9

My 84 yo mother beginning late stage ALZ talks to her only friend on her phone constantly. The friend is younger than her and I don’t know her. Supposedly this is someone she’s known for over 10 years. This friend seems to believe my mother’s stories of life with me. That I steal from her, don’t take her out , lock her in her room, never home , etc .. I’ve tried to explain to her friend that rest assured nothing is a miss it’s just her dementia thinking. My mother complains that she can’t stand living here with me and she wants to go back to VA and live on her own. I absolutely believe she thinks her mind will be like it was in VA before dementia really impacted her. I tried to explain this to her friend. However this friend seems to bolster mom’s stories and complaints and says how awful it is for her. I’ve asked her to , instead, encourage mom to get out. Since my mom refuses to go out or go to day center, I felt it was better than no socialization for her to talk to this friend. This friend talks about having my mom live with her and her family. I told her no, I , nor my siblings would agree to that. Now she keeps talking about driving here (16 hour) to pick mom up and take her for a visit to VA. Frankly I doubt she really would. However my question is, whether it’s really helpful or harmful to my moms state of mind to talk to this person? I keep telling myself she doesn’t even remember the conversations, so no harm. The thing that’s really got me wondering is I have her phone set for no calls after 10 pm. Now this friend calls her before then to walk her through how to use video chat on her iPad. I’ve told this friend it’s important that mom gets enough sleep before. Thoughts?

Lynn24 · June 9

My mother used to do the same thing during first year that she moved in with us. One of her older sisters told her to call the police, since we were treating her so badly. My mother and her older sister were delusional. My mother used to call church members in the middle of the night, asking them to come to pick her up and take her home. The conversations became so toxic that I canceled her cell phone account.

JeriLynn66 · June 9

I wouldn’t entertain this “friendship”.

Quilting brings calm · June 9

I would block the woman’s calls and texts on the cell phone. Delete the recent calls and texts from the phone so that your mom has to go into the contacts to initiate a call to her. Repeat the deletes daily.

H1235 · June 9

This is tough. I think I would lean towards blocking her calls altogether. The friend does not seem to understand the situation or be respectful of your wishes. You are going through enough it seems she is complicating things. What if she turns you in to adult protective services. Not that you are doing anything wrong, but you just don’t need that. I would also worry that she might try to take advantage of her in some way( asking for a credit card number etc.). It also just doesn’t seem right to lead her on with talk of moving or even visiting. Do the calls leave your mom agitated( in general or with you) or is she happier and in better spirits having talked with the friend? She may not remember the calls, but could she be remembering the very general ideas and feelings this friend seems to encourage.