bedtime games

bendershan

Hello everyone ,I am shannon , nice to meet you. I take care of my 83 yr. old mother whom has dementia. She is in late stages where you really cannot have a conversation with her , she uses word salads , etc…but she gets wht you say to her , for the most part, sort of . She is still at home, I live here with her and am hoping to continue doing so as long as I can. I have been doing this for quite some time ,basically on my own …although I do take her to day care twice a week and I have my husband and stepsister here also for back up. Mom has gottten to the point she doesn't want to listen to me, she just wants to do her own thing , which is fine I can get around the basic daily stuff but its bedtime that has become an extreme issue. She wont put her pajamas on , she wont go to bed she will stay up all night , this is happening every night for the past week at least. My stepsister can get her to bed , my friend who helps out can get her to put on pajamas , its only me she wont do it for which tells me its some kind of game to her. I wont lie, I do get angry , we do get into fights, I know it only feeds the situation but I am beside myself as to what can I do when she does this to give her consequence for acting like this? I cant spank her, I cant reason with her , I feel absolutely helpless . I cant lock her in her room . What do you do with someone who is in complete defiance against you ? This is extremely stressful for me , I cannot do this every night . Please if you've dealt with this or even if you haven't, share your solutions or ideas , please. Thanks for your time , make it a great day!

Lynn24

My mother had same symptoms when we moved her in with us last year. We had to reach out to her primary care physician to begin to manage her symptoms with medication. It has taken much trial and error, but eventually we received a medication that works. The medication that has worked best is Seroquel of which usually starts with low dosage and increases dosage as needed depending upon how severe the symptoms are.

We give her 75 mg of Seroquel and 10 mg of melatonin gummies before bed to help her stay asleep 7 to 8 hours. This medication also helps with agitation and defiance.

Jeanne C.

Shannon, my advice is "pick your battles."

My husband used to be rough at bedtime. Almost like a toddler who is overtired. Wouldn't change. Didn't want to use the toilet or brush his teeth. Tended to putter around, sometimes for hours. I decided to pick my battles. Pajamas weren't critical, so I let that go. Brushing teeth - not awesome to skip, but again, not critical. Peeing before bed, that's the battle I fought (until he became incontinent). Reducing my focus helped me be less stressed. And he was more likely to cooperate because I let him have his way on the other items.

Now sleeping is important for both of you. I sleep in the room with my husband so I feel safe using a child lock on the door and letting him putter around. Because I've removed any issues from the room, I know he's OK until he falls asleep. Since adding melatonin to his evening meds, it doesn't last long and he gets to sleep within 30-40 minutes. Others may have advice on sleeping.

Jeanne C.

Ps. Hello and welcome to our group. 😃

M1

There is no such thing as a behavioral consequence for someone with dementia. Medication that will help her sleep is your best bet, and Seroquel would be a good initial choice. Talk to her docs.

easy23

My husband takes mirtazapine for sleep. It works well.

mabelgirl

the medication route helped my mom.

towhee

Hello and welcome. If this is a relatively sudden change in behavior it might be wise to contact the doctor. It could be a reaction to a new medication, or an infection. A change in behavior could also be a reaction to a change in environment. That said, getting their nights and days mixed up or other sleep disturbances is just part of the progression of dementia. Medication can help. As for the pajamas, as the other posters have said, pick your battles, winning this one does no one any good. Learn to "let it go". She is not trying to game you. You are the most familiar person to her so unconsciously she is not putting on "company manners" for you like she is for your friend. It is not deliberate.

bendershan

Thank you everyone for the reality check ,I sometimes lose sight of it . I hope I don't sound like a monster wanting mom to have consequences, I really just want things to go smooth like they did before… She has a doctor appointment tomorrow ,I will bring up the meds suggested , thank you so much .