Mom with Dementia, Dad can’t take care of her alone anymore

clmrt2000

Hi I am Carol and I am new here. My Mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia about 4 years ago. She has has a slow decline since the beginning of this year and I reached out to palliative care for help. Mom is 81 and Dad is 84 and not I. The greatest condition to be caring for her alone. She fell in April, broke her humerus and ended up in short term rehab for a month. It was the longest month of my life, or so I thought. I visited everyday with my Dad. He would not go unless I took him. We watched her cognition do a rapid decline with each passing day.
Both of them had already expressed to me and my brother that they wanted to remain at home. So we brought her home and I, along with my daughter who has CP moved in to help. My dad however is still insisting on doing much of the care himself. We do have a GNA coming 4 days a week for several hours to help with bathing and light housework.

It is such a struggle to get my dad to let us help. Mom is not able to dress herself, bath or do most simple tasks Any advise for navigating this?

Lynn24

My mother moved in with us almost two years ago, of which she is 79 years old and has undiagnosed dementia. A few months ago, I admitted her into Hospice comfort care services due to her agitation and progressive decline. Hospice comfort care services has helped a great deal since you are assigned a RN case manager that serves a liaison for all of my mother’s medical needs. You are also a hospice aide to help with bathing needs etc. A chaplain is available on assignment if needed, as well. Also each patient is assigned a social worker. We have a caregiver that helps out a few hours a day during morning hours.

I would suggest to c to help your dad manage your mother’s health needs because their generation is very resistant to help, however the more you help out, the more he will become accustomed to the pattern of you helping out.

I encourage you to check out hospice comfort care services also since it is paid at 100% by Medicare.

H1235

Is he just very independent, does he think you might not do something correctly(his way) or is it devotion and obligation to her? If you could figure that out it might help. Maybe explain your need to do something to help. If you had an honest discussion with him could he come up with specific tasks he is willing to to relinquish to you. Cooking, managing finances, laundry, groceries, cleaning are things that might free him up to spend time with her. Tell him you are worried about his health and he won’t be any good to her if he doesn’t take care of himself. Hope there is something there you might find useful.