Parent who is money paranoid

TaraF

My father is almost 80 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers last year. My mother is 82, has heart issues and most likely has some form of dementia. They are on a VERY fixed income and cannot afford to go to an AL facility, so we are trying to keep them in their senior apartment as long as possible. My father walks to the grocery store right next door EVERY day and sometimes multiple times a day. It's like he has OCD about it. We found out he was using his debit card and getting cash back every time. SO, I took their cards away and set them up with a credit card for seniors called Truelink. It's been great but I struggle with being in charge of money. He doesn't understand that they only have a certain amount of money each month for groceries, etc. He gets very angry (and I mean angry) and thinks we're keeping his money from him. I know this is normal but it's very hard because he doesn't understand there is only so much in there.

How does everyone else deal with this?

harshedbuzz

@TaraF

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you have found this place.

Some variation of this behavior is super common; sometimes it's ordering unnecessary things on Amazon and other times it's daily forays into town to buy multiples of things they already have. However much you want to keep the status quo, it might be time for placement as dad's judgment is seriously impaired and living "independently" they're ready prey for all manner of fallout from bad decisions and scams.

Since assets and income are modest, I'd look into qualifying them for a Medicaid funded AL placement if such a thing exists in your state. Otherwise you're looking at a SNF at some point.

HB

Quilting brings calm

my state has Supportive Living Favilities. Basically AL for low income.

I agree you need to get them somewhere that he can’t walk to a store of any kind.

H1235

Welcome! Money has been and probably still is something that upsets my mom as well. We did get her on some medication and that has helped some. She kept an income tax refund check for month’s refusing to allow me to deposit it. In her mind it was her money and she should be able to spend it however she wants. She wanted to buy stain so she could stain the swing at her house when she is done power washing it( hasn’t lived in her house in a year and there was no way sh was capable of doing this). It’s so difficult. I feel guilty for doing what I know is best for her.
The truelink card sounds like a good idea. If he was getting cash back at the grocery store, I would be concerned about where that money is now. If it’s still in the house he might hand it out to the neighbor who is down on their luck or something like that. I would also wonder if he is buying things that are needed and make sense. When you do have to move them you might find a drawer with 20 tubes of Chapstick. Is he buying things that are going to waste because he has forgotten he bought them the day before(bread, milk). At some point it might be better to bring them groceries, but I’m guessing he would not like that.
For some PWD it seems there is just no way around the anger and attitude. I think it’s important to make physical and financial safety the number one priority. Trying to keep a lo from getting upset might be a losing battle. It’s so hard.

M1

if you haven’t pursued getting them qualified for Medicaid you absolutely should, it sounds like they would easily qualify. A certified elder law attorney can help you do this (look by location at nelf.org). Then you can investigate what kind of help might be available, it does vary by state. Some states do cover assisted living situations, others provide some in home care in attempts to prevent nursing home placement. Your local council on aging may be able to provide more information too, and sometimes there are local funding sources that they can access.

TaraF

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212770#Comment_212770

Unfortunately they do not because they're married. They make approx $100 too much. If they were divorced, they would each qualify but in their current apartment, they would not be able to live together, which makes things worse. They make $24K a year together. It's shocking that that's considered too much.

M1

this is why you need to talk to an attorney. There are definite ways to get them qualified, I assure you. Don't just go by what you see online.

Quilting brings calm

@TaraF

There are two forms of Medicaid. Home based and institutional based. They have different eligibility rules. The institutional form has something called community spouse. That means that the spouse that isn’t applying for Medicaid is allowed to keep the house, a car, a base income and certain amount of assets. Eligibility and amounts vary by state. This allows that spouse to remain at home ( or in an apartment ) while the person needed 24/7 care gets it. Yes, they would be living separately but they wouldn’t need to get divorced.

mabelgirl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214091#Comment_214091

please look into other long term care services available. My mom did not qualify for full Medicaid but did qualify for long term care managed by the Medicaid office. It won’t cover total cost of an AL but will give home health aids that can help with cleaning, care and shopping. What state do you live in?

TaraF

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214113#Comment_214113

Thank you - I'm in Maryland. We're in the process of applying for the VA Aid & Attendance as well. We've been dealing with the Department of Aging and even Social Services and are applying for everything they tell us but they still only make $2400 a month total. Unfortunately in my area even the bottom of the line AL facilities cost $3-$4K a month for one person.

Currently, my dad is so paranoid about money that he's getting strangers to drive him to the bank to take out money. We're not sure how to stop that.