I feel like I'm constantly giving in...

annie51

Maybe this is the way it needs to be, but I find myself constantly giving in to DH's requests/demands just to keep him content and prevent him from getting irritated. Example…it's VERY VERY HOT right now but he wants to go for a walk. I suggest waiting until after dinner when the sun is not so hot. He says OK. He asks me again a few minutes later, and then a few minutes later and you all know the drill. Finally I say OK because I know he's irritated and is getting pouty that I'm not doing what he wants. So we walk, we're sweating like pigs of course, we get back to the house and he's complaining that he's wringing wet and it's freezing inside (you gotta laugh).

I try to redirect him into something else when I don't want to or can't do what he wants to do, but we have so little options now of things to do to keep him busy. And for some of the options he used to like (like a walk on the beach instead) he now says he doesn't want to do them. Anyway, I wonder sometimes if I'm enabling this behavior by giving in but then I have to keep telling myself that the world of dementia is different and it's all about keeping the PWD calm and happy.

I just don't know where to draw the line. He talks about going on another ski trip this winter - we went this past January and although we had some fun, it was stressful for me and he wanted to stop skiing each day after only a couple of hours - which may have been only 2-3 runs! A lot of expense for very little fun.

I know I can probably be handling this better…any advice?

M1

I think this is why most of us ending up needing outside help of one sort or another through this journey. Impossible to be the cruise director at the same time you’re trying to captain the ship and keep it from crashing. Would your DH go to a day program? Can you hire some companion care?

jsps139_

I know exactly how you feel. I always think I have to be perfect … say the right thing in the right tone, do the right thing (every single minute of every single day) … or he’ll get aggravated at me. It’s awful!

I just want to be an imperfect human again!

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212780#Comment_212780

I know that you are right about outside help. I’m not yet comfortable with approaching him about a day program but maybe I should look at bringing in someone at some point. We don’t have family nearby unfortunately. He loves to have people come over so he can show them the same things he shows everyone that comes over, including contractors, handymen, etc. (lol). I also think I need to invite friends over more often - it’s just that I’m more stressed about it than I used to be. Thanks!

Stan2

Unless what she wants is a health, safety or financial problem I find keeping her content and happy goes a long way to keeping me content and happy.

I have always been rather impatient and a bit selfish but I'm learning.

Mint

well said M1

SDianeL

read the book The 36 Hour Day which helped me. Have you tried agreeing and redirecting? Something like we’ll go in just a minute when I finish… they ask again because they may not remember asking already and they lose the ability to know how much time has elapsed.

Iris L.

You might tell him that the day care called and asked for his help.

Iris

ronda b

My DH is alot like yours. He will want to go somewhere and just sit and look at me till I take him. Doesn't seem to notice I just got out of the shower or in the middle of something, I have to stop and take him . Like you I don't want him to get upset.

Jgirl57

it is very hard and frustrating to draw a line because it is always changing. Redirecting is very challenging but I keep to the same broken record response .Last summer I had SOME success with “No, it’s too hot”. Later in the evening I would give a one minute heads up that it was time for a walk . Hang in there and just never make ski reservations again .

Sandra Jake

My daughter, who lives near her Dad, takes care of getting caregivers for him. He has stage 6 Alzheimer according to the institute She has become very frustrated after doing all his doctor care, etc for the past few years since initial diagnosis. He always wants to hang out at her home and after the caregiver leaves he calls her to come get him, After being there for a half hour or so he wants to go home. It is very frustrating for her. She now does not have me interview the caregivers with her, but has them scheduled at his home where I can not climb the many levels. How to make it clear to her that I still need to be involved. She is the only child, no other siblings to help. His Alzheimer's disease as affected her greatly and I am at a loss as how to help her and not be excluded.

CindyBum

This is all so hard, so first, give yourself a break. Sometimes we have to give in, because it is easier that way.

I still struggle with how much to decide on my own and how really present or able my DW is to be involved in decision-making. It's such a difficult balance to find, as she still is ok on some things, and then I'm reminded that she's not. But, I had a reality check with a good friend who visited a couple of weeks ago. I was struggling with an issue with my DW and later that night my friend said to me, "I know you don't want to do this yet, but you need to make this decision. I've been away from you and your DW for a while and I can see her progression with fresh eyes. She cannot process the details and you need to help her." Oof. I realized I still want to treat my DW like my actual partner in these things, and do as much as I possibly can, but I have to assert myself now and again for safety or timing or money.

All that is to say, I still give a ton. But now, I also occasionally will say, "We're not doing that right now, but we will tonight at 5pm." Or whenever I think it will work. Sometimes I even right a note for her that reads, "We're going on a walk at 5pm", so she knows it's booked and we'll be doing it. That usually works for me and her.

Good luck!

HollyBerry

Yes, and I make the connection between your question and the other post to which I composed a long response and then saved the draft so I could think about it some more.

We try to keep the peace by agreeing. And it drives us a little crazy because under normal circumstances, we could ask them not to yell from the other room, or let us finish our shower, or whatever — so we resent the fact that we just agreed when we really wanted or needed the opposite, in order to keep a peace that may or may not last more than a minute.

My partner is the Queen of Apathy. Combined with a "lack of inhibition," as her provider tactfully called it, either she doesn't want to go anyplace, or if she does go there, she walks up to strangers and says weird things. If I ask her if she wants to go (to the dog park, to Farm & Fleet, to get ice cream) her immediate response is no - yippee for me, no apologising to the strangers. If we have to go someplace (medical appointment, cat to the vet) then I'm on high alert the whole time for what she'll pull out of her bag of tricks. Lately, she flies off the handle in public - she didn't do that until recently - I had the audacity to suggest we go in this checkout line instead of that one, and she launched into the "you can't tell me what to do, I can do whatever I want" speech. If I'd known it was such a big deal, we could have stayed in the one she was in where she was on the verge of talking to a guy who looked like wouldn't be sympathetic to a weird woman touching his tattoo.