Mum accusing me of stealing

katiejane19

My mum is accusing me of stealing various things which is obviously very upsetting. She doesn't want me to go to her house any more, is nasty to me when I speak to her and convinced I'm a theft, which is hard because I go to visit, take her and my dad out and now can't support my dad .Any suggestions ? X

Emily 123

Hi,

Unfortunately the disease affects other things besides memory, like judgement and logical thinking. Your mom may be looking for an item, can't find it, and then sees you. Her assumption is that you must have something to do with the missing item because she can't recall what she did with it. I'm sorry. As upsetting as it is for you, she can't regulate how she's perceiving things, or manage her responses very well, and the emotions can kickstart a feedback loop where she'll get more and more upset. You're absolutely right to make yourself scarce if that's happening.

One of the things that can help with the emotions is medication. Can your dad talk with your mom's healthcare provider about meds that can support a calmer state of mind? There are a lot of meds out there that could help ease her agitation but still leave her able to interact. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right combination, so don't give up. We (my mom's healthcare providers and I) allowed ourselves to be guided by my mom's saying she 'felt fine', though she was very resistant to assistance and was not very nice about it. Looking back, I very much regret not being more insistent on getting her on meds sooner, because I think she would have felt calmer and I could have helped her with more things.

For now limit interactions, even though that won't feel like you're helping your dad. You are, because he won't have to deal with her getting agitated at you, and of course it must make him feel bad to see her act that way with you.

What other things could you help him with? Can you drop off a meal, or take out some laundry to do? Do errands? Take the car in for a check up? Any of those type of things will help.

mabelgirl

My mom lives with me and nearly every morning before her feet hit the ground she’s yelling about me stealing money from her bank account and that she’s gonna call the cops. I’ve gotten to just say ok are you hungry? She’s been even nastier and meaner at other times requiring me to take a walk to gather myself. She’s on meds that at least give us a good night sleep. She can be in her room and go to bathroom and come back to not find her phone or something. She’ll yell down at me that I used my magic magnets to take her stuff. I just ask if she wants help finding whatever she can’t find. Once I find it she then says I must have put it there! 🙄
Personally I wouldn’t let her behavior stop you from helping out your dad. If you’re not there will someone else step in? If so it’s most likely your mom’s frustration will be turn towards that person. It’s not your mother it’s the dementia.

Jo C.

As upsetting as this can be, delusions are a a common set of dynamics with many dementias. My mother accused me of stealing SO much. Even her bedspread when it was in the laundry for a couple of hours. Her mind did not function on "normal" byways and her imagination which was mostly negative filled in the blanks that she was experiencing. It is interesting that those who do most of the help are usually the ones accused of false theft. Evidently our managing those things they used to manage and can no longer do, sets off the false ideation.

I used as many positive ways I could to deal with the delusions. The absolute pinnacle was when she actually called the police when I was not present and told the detectives that I had been stealing her money! OMIGOSH! They of course had to do an investigation. I felt absolutely gob-smacked. I knew everything was fine - but still . . .

Anyway, the detectives were informed about the FTD diagnosis, (and in FTD, the person may communicate extremely well and sound accurate for a long time into the disease process.) So; the detectives contacted and questioned me - I suggested they visit the bank where the parents finances were. They did and the bank manager knew of my mother's condition and was able to show the officers the assets were intact and where checks had been written for prescriptions, medications, etc. All was clear as crystal; no problem. Still, I felt a bit unsettled. All was well. As silly as it sounds, I felt a little bit violated.

I got a POB for her important mail or she would find that type of mail tied up in delusions; later, I simply had it sent to my house. She got a bit of ads and ad magazines in her mailbox, so she felt she was still getting mail. I kept scrupulously clear records by the month and was sure to type it up with dates and details as to what was in each account and what checks were written for, etc. and printed a copy. I could pull that out in a slick minute to answer questions and I kept the bills/receipts in a plastic file bin box by the year. Puff, puff, pant, pant.

She wanted money; so I made sure she had some in her handbag. I got $20 in one dollar bills so it felt like a lot and put it in her wallet in the bag and she would look several times a day to ensure it was there. She never spent it as she had nowhere to go to do so, but it gave her a feeling of some independence and that was fine.

We become very creative and do so much to help our LOs when they are through no fault of their own encumbered in such delusions.

J.

kh945312

Hi…just wanted to say I have no words of wisdom, but I am going through the same thing. It started intensely about a month ago. She is now telling nursing staff, etc that her daughter is stealing from her and she has no money left. I keep reminding myself it’s the disease, but it’s hard hearing this stuff, especially knowing she’s telling other people as well what she thinks is happening. No way I’ve found to ignore it.

Paulokc

I am going thru the same. My heart breaks when she is accusing me when I am the only one helping her!

Lynn24

Yes, my mother has been living with us for almost two years, and delusions and paranoia are part of this horrible dementia journey.

The only thing that has helped her anger outbursts, paranoia and agitation is Seroquel. She has been taking it since March. She is much easier to manage nowadays.

Jackie M.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213347#Comment_213347

Hi Lynn,

I too am dealing with my mom's delusions and paranoia. I have a question about Seroquel. I had asked her neurologist if there was something she could take to calm her down and perhaps lead to more cooperation but not make her a zombie. Hygiene is our biggest issue right now. She only wants to "wash up", and I am only managing a shower once a week. The Dr prescribed Seroquel. I have to say her neurologist is not the most helpful. They are monitoring and that seems to be it. Dr said to be weary of falls. Really? She is 86, overweight with a bad knee and mobility issues. After some more googling I decided to hold off giving her the pill but after speaking with her primary, who said I should try it, we started giving her half a pill (as prescribed). Three days of the pill and she was just sitting there, very little reaction. Broke our hearts seeing her like that so we stopped.

How was the reaction with your mom? Was there a period of adjustment? Did you experience a period of "zombiness"?

Thanking you in advance.

Lynn24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213621#Comment_213621

My mother was experiencing agitation and lack of sleep, so she began with only 25 mg, and each week it increased. She now takes 75 mg to help her sleep at night. I would suggest decreasing your mother’s dosage, if it is making her a zombie.

suez204

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69585/mum-accusing-me-of-stealing

Ugh :-( My Mom is 82, living alone, a level 5 hoarder and is undiagnosed but obviously has Alz/dementia. We have noticed the decline over the past 3 years or so. She refuses to get evaluated or see a doctor. Her short term memory is really bad (she loops). Everything confuses her and she is completely paranoid that people are out to steal her home and her money. Since my step dad passed a way about a year ago, she made me POA and I have been trying to help her pay her bills and assist her with day to day living so she could stay in her house her final years. It's been a struggle dealing with her mental decline, the hoarding situation and her agitation and delusions. It's taken a toll on my mental well being but I hung in there. That's all changed now. A few weeks back, after much discussions with her, I paid her past due property taxes using EFT . When she said something about her taxes the other day and how she needs to pay them I reminded her we talked about it and I paid them. She acted like she remembered and thanked me for helping her. 2 hours later she called me very angry and accused me of hacking into her accounts and trying to "take over". She seemed to forget about the taxes and then the same thing happened with her debit card. She has lost 6 cards in the past 7 months. The bank sent her another new card and she called me to activate it for her because she didn't know how. Afterwards she called me accusing me of stealing her account number. In a fit of rage she called me repeatedly (9 times while I was at work). She said horrible things and called me every nasty name in the book. I finally cracked and told her to stop calling me, I will no longer help her and I quit answering my phone. Sadly, my 2 older Siblings won't help and want nothing to do with it because she is so volatile. It breaks my heart. I have reached my breaking point and because nobody else will step up, I called social services on her. She now has a case worker from the county coming to her house but she refuses to let them inside to see the deplorable conditions she lives in. I am hoping they will force her out of the home and into an assisted living situation. I hope I did the right thing.