Mom getting scammed

cdkent05

My mom has been dealing with dementia for a couple of years. It has progressively gotten worse. Supposedly the more times they have gone under anesthesia it can speed up dementia. She went under 3 times last year. But even before that she had issues with scammers. She lives in an AL. I have had my hands full from time to time getting new cards, checks etc. She of course never remembers that she did any of it and I understand that, so I have locked down her bank account. I got creative; since she wanted a debit card, I opened up a separate card and deposit money in there in case she wants to go shopping or eating out and has a bit of "independence" from me. So that is a win for both of us. But she calls me occasionally asking about her check book and if I have it. I don't, it is locked up in her locked cabinet, but she doesn't remember that. She called on Friday and asked and I said why do you need it? She said she was on the other line with someone and never mind and hung up on me. I called right back on her cell phone and she answered but didn't put it to her ear and I could hear her talking to someone on her landline. He was telling her to look here and there for her checkbook. I was screaming at the top of my lungs but of course she couldn't hear me. I hung up and called back and she was upset with me calling her back. I told her I was heading up there and not to do anything and she said she could figure this out and hung up on me again. Once I got there she didn't remember much of it, other than when she told him I was on my way there he hung up on her. I said why did you need your checkbook? She said he wanted the address for my bank. I said mom he wanted your bank account number. I told her I really want to get rid of her landline. Not kidding she gets at least 15-20 scam calls a day! My rule is don't answer the phone unless you know who it is. If it's important they will leave a message for you to call back. She can't remember that and at time I think she does it to spite me. She doesn't want to get rid of her phone because she's had it forever. I get it. But there is no stopping these calls. She gets scam text on her cellphone and that is just about as bad. I want her to keep her dignity by not treating her like a child, but it is so hard when they have some independence and can be dangerous. I have everything locked down I believe but I still have to clean up so many messes and she can't understand that part of it. It breaks my heart. I'm not writing this for answers I'm just venting because I don't know a lot of people that would understand or are going through this. Thanks in advance for understanding!!

psg712

A lot of us on this forum understand. My mom was easily fooled by mail and phone scams when she still lived in her own home. Political and charitable organizations of all stripes benefitted from her belief that their solicitations were actual bills that she owed. She signed up for home warranties under three different companies within just a few months. She went to Target and bought $900 in gift cards and mailed them to a "family" on hard times.

She was very angry when she learned that I had put in a forwarding order for her mail to come to my address. But she didn't seem to notice when I disappeared her checkbook and her credit cards ... by the time I gathered the courage and good sense to do that, she couldn't write out a check without coaching.

It's tough to take away these elements of adult responsibility and independence, but in the interest of our LOs' financialwell-being, we often have to do it. The phone might need to disappear as well, unless taking the checkbook and credit/debit cards stops her ability to give out money or access to her accounts. She'll be mad but she'll be safer. Like setting a boundary for a little girl to protect her from dangers that she can't perceive.

cdkent05

Thank you for that!! I went through the mail issues as well. She gave to everyone and anyone that would ask. There needs to be some control on what can be sent to the elderly. Mom thinks I'm the issue, since I think everyone is out to scam her. I tell her mom 99% of them are out to scam you, you are just too trusting and unfortunately gullible now. I wish I was being cynical but I'm not. It's what our world is like now a days. I tell her all the time I am doing what you did for me when I was a child, I'm protecting you! It's my turn to watch out for you. I honestly don't know what elderly people do without family to walk this path with them - yes I do they get scammed!

Emily 123

Hiya cdkent05,

You said ''She can't remember that and at time I think she does it to spite me''. The disease works so that she can't imprint information anymore. It's probably not spite, but losing brain function.

It's too bad that she seems to be getting into situations that require a lot of follow up. Maybe you'll have to adjust a bit more? Definitely sounds unsafe with the phone. The person with dementia can't determine what's safest and best for them, so things that put them at risk need to be removed, even if it feels unfair. It's not easy.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Most of us have been through this in one form or another. You absolutely need to take away the checkbook, and you probably need to get rid of one if not both telephones. Do you hold durable power of attorney? if not you need to talk to a certified elder law attorney and get it, as you are increasingly going to have to make decisions for her safety against her will or without her consent. If you have power of attorney, the other thing you can do is freeze her credit at all three agencies so that no one can open accounts in her name. Not ease, but safety always has to drive the decison making. There are members here who have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars because they didn't get financial control soon enough.

H1235

You said you didn’t want to treat her like a child, but because of the damage to her brain she is basically a child. This is a very popular staging tool. If you look close you will see it has an age equivalent at each stage. https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

Doing things to keep her safe is necessary and I imagine she is probably not real happy about it since she is not able to see her own limitations (anosognosia). Telling her you are doing this or that to keep her safe implies she can not keep herself safe (which she can’t) and is probably frustrating to her. I would suggest you do what needs to be done without explaining it. Sadly you are now the adult and she is the child you are responsible for.

cdkent05

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213084#Comment_213084

Thank you! Good recommendations.

cdkent05

Yes I do have a durable power of attorney and have locked things down. Thank you for the advise.

SusanB-dil

Hi cdkent - MIL got scammed by a 'trusted family member'. Yes, 6-figures… We found out and trespassed the mother/daughter that were responsible for it. We are still dealing with the fallout, this now several years later. MIL was also starting to speak to the phone-scammers more and more. M1 suggested stopping the phones (thank you, M1!) and what worked was completely turning off the ringer. If she picks up the phone, it still has a dial-tone, but it is no longer 'ringing' for scammers. She really can't use the phone any longer by herself, but she has checked to see if the phone is working. go figure that… so, again, it 'works', but no more scam. (and I know we won't need to worry about it at all much longer, anyway)

Agree - safety is the driving factor. Your mom is no longer capable of watching out for herself. With POA, you are able to watch out for her. Shut down the phone, at the very least, turn off the ringer. Also a suggestion, if your mom is still capable of using a different phone, my brother had set one up for our mom where she could only make certain calls and blocked all but very few friends/family from calling in. I believe he set it up as a 'child-phone' on his plan. Most phones are able to portray pictures of the people to call, and my brother did that as well for her.

Good that you locked things down. I really HATE 'this' disease.