Mom is always worried she is in trouble

Quilting brings calm

The last several times I’ve been to the AL, Mom’s first question is ‘ did they call you?’. The next is ‘ am I in trouble? At some point, she will say ‘ I had a meltdown’. Sometimes it’s ‘last night’. Sometimes it’s ’this morning’. All of this appears to be in her head because the AL is not calling me or reporting said meltdown. They feel they have her well in hand. There’s no issues at all beyond her normal anxiety and depression. And I check.

So obviously she’s exhibiting some sort of dementia version of a pre-teen panic of ‘mom showed up at school - what did I do now’. Anyone have any experience at this with their PWD?

Emily 123

Hi,

Maybe discuss with her healthcare provider and adjust her meds? Or just wait and see, if it hasn't been very long. Maybe she saw another resident act out?

clarinetist

My DH often feels guilty for an imagined “bad thing” he did. I’m guessing he knows something is not right with his brain, which makes him feel upset at times. Because of his very short memory, he soon forgets about his dementia, but the bad feeling remains. He then looks for a reason why he feels this way, and decides he must have done something wrong.

This can take extreme forms: recently he thought we had lost a baby. He’s also been sure he killed his whole family. Often I go along with his delusions, but these are so upsetting to him that I have to refute them. Often this scenario ends with him taking a dose of antipsychotic medication.

Quilting brings calm

@clarinetist thsnkfully mom isn’t mentioning imaginary things she has done. Her meltdown comment is never specific, but I think she means she got confused and then got upset about being confused. Usually that’s what the AL nurse will tell me if I ask about any supposed meltdown.
I think she’s probably not able to understand that she is missing my step-dad. He died about 3.5 months ago and their 60th anniversary would have been June 20th.

clarinetist

60 years together- and no way to understand or process that grief. Does she think she’s done something wrong that keeps him from visiting? Very sad for her. Sometimes reassurance does work for my DH, though it has to be repeated often. So sorry your mom is experiencing this.

Quilting brings calm

@clarinetist

Mom’s in our reality. She knows he’s dead. Although she doesn’t remember the exact date. She started getting the time frame wrong a couple weeks after he died. She also no longer remembers that ‘x’ date is a birthday, anniversary, etc. She claims not to be grieving for him. So I think the unsettled feelings get processed by her into she must have done something wrong. On the other hand, I also wondered if other PWD said stuff like this.

GothicGremlin

@Quilting brings calm - This happened with Peggy, mostly around stage 5 and early stage 6. She thought that staff might be mad at her, that I might be mad at her, and that people didn't like her.

One day when I was there, I took her to see the dentist, and we went through assisted living to get out. So many people came up to Peggy to say hi, a few assisted living staff came over to say hi, all clearly happy to see her. I told Peggy - "Hey! I thought you said no one liked you!" She laughed and agreed that some people might like her.

pookabera

My dad would have some days later in his progression when he'd call my mom or myself into his room and ask "is everything okay?" "do I have to do anything?" "is everything all good?" over and over.

I never tried to probe at all about what he thought was going on, I just assumed that something in his brain was clicking oddly and was making him feel uncomfortable enough to need to ask for reassurance.

I'd tell him all was well and he could relax (this reads a little assertive, but "relaxing" is a word he'd often use, so I meant it in that context - not a "you need to relax" context"). He'd usually call me back in a few more times.

I think he probably would have benefitted from some more anxiety medication throughout the progression, so that might be helpful for your loved one.

Quilting brings calm

@GothicGremlin and @pookabera

You both make interesting points about stages and progression. I keep thinking Mom is at stage 4. However maybe this is a sign that she’s moving into stage 5. Even if she’s not experiencing all of the stage 5 symptoms. Last night( Wednesday), she called me. She made a comment that the staff had told her I was there the day before, but she didn’t remember it. Her memory is poor about what she ate for lunch and what she did yesterday - but she usually could remember if I had been there the day before,

ButterflyWings

QBC - I always understood that once they show a sign or two from the next Stage, that is considered as progression to the new stage.

DH has never shown some signs listed on the DBAT, and even still has a couple of mid-stage behaviors. But he is clearly Stage 7.

You are probably right, that your LO is no longer Stage 4. And also grieving