Was I living under a rock?

mrahope

I guess this is just a vent, but the feelings of betrayal and heartache are very real. My DH and I have been married 46 years. He has been in MC for the last two months. I always knew he had a negative side and some behavior that was questionable, but for the most part he seemed to be a normal husband and father before dementia set in around 5 years ago.

In the last week, however, as we have been cleaning out both physical and virtual spaces, we have found evidence of behavior that clearly crosses a line, and may have been illegal. I also feel that both of our children may have been hurt by this without my knowing it. I'm devastated and feel as though I've been betrayed. I'm starting to see my DH in a completely different light, and feeling as though my chance for clarity is now gone. How does a person move on from this? Had I known this earlier, I'm sure we would not be married now.

Has anyone else found unwelcome surprises after their LO went to MC? How did you cope? I'm heartbroken and angry and feel as if I never want to see him again.

Thanks for letting me vent here.

GiGi1963

How surprised and shock you must be. No answer but sending you strength and hugs as you tackle this unforseen event.

concerned_sister

I'm sorry you're going through this…on top of everything else. I can imagine it must be overwhelming.

JeriLynn66

@mrahope

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've come here to share your pain and sorrow. We care about you and know what a loving caregiver you have been. It will take time to process this, but I'm praying all the best for you. And will continue to do so as you navigate this journey. ❤️

Phoenix1966

i am so sorry for the awful discoveries you have made In the midst of everything you are currently going through. Now finding out that your children might have been hurt by things your spouse did must be devastating. The only thing I can say is to be kind to yourself. And try very hard not to blame yourself for actions he took. You loved him and afforded him the trust that love demanded. His choices were his and his alone.

Quilting brings calm

You were giving your partner the trust most people think their partner deserves. Most of us don’t search through our partner’s drawers, wallet, phone etc. There have been instances where someone dies, their loved ones sort through things and find things they didn’t expect. Porn for example.

The older I get, the more I realize that we don’t know anyone as well as we think. So give yourself some grace. Go for therapy, suggest that your kids do the same. Accept that your kids may not want to visit him - and grant yourself that same space. Turn his care over to a care manager if you can afford it.
Talk to a lawyer about what is best for your own financial future- a divorce, a legal separation, or staying married until he passes.

CindyBum

Wow. I can't even imagine the feelings of betrayal and worry about your kids. What another level of unwelcome stress and worry to work through.

Sending you light and agree that taking care of yourself and your kids is absolutely vital right now.

Hugs

harshedbuzz

@mrahope

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Our family went through something that that was shocking but not illegal. I made a very unhappy discovery when mom and I sat down to figure out how to pay for MC. He'd day-traded away $360K before he forgot how to access the internet. What little money was left was invested in poorly performing REITs. On the plus side, I did find a $40K CD he'd forgotten about. I should have suspected earlier as he was constantly focused on me stealing that exact sum of money in various ways.

It took me nearly a decade to get dad evaluated. And then it only happened because he had a psychotic episode a few months after mom nearly died with him as he medical advocate. Mom paid a massive price for her refusal to take charge of the situation.

What dad did wasn't illegal, but as he lost his social filter, he often told people about some things he did as a teacher for which he could have been prosecuted. I don't believe it happened; he taught in the school I attended, and I believe this was a conflation of something that happened with another teacher/student that was an open secret. Until this phase passed, we kept his world very small and didn't take him anywhere by to medical appointments.

Dementia is about so much more than memory issues. Things like executive function, empathy and self-regulation are impacted well before family might notice that there are memory issues. Whatever happened could have been a symptom of the dementia rather than who he really was.

HB

mrahope

Thank you all for your kindness and concern. I was truly blind-sided and it's taking me a while to discover that so many things I believed in were not at all as I thought they were. I am trying to learn to accept that the person I thought I knew was not the person who was really there. Looking at all these things in a different way has made me sad and distrustful. Eventually, acceptance will come. I am thankful every day for the small things I can now enjoy and for the people (including all of you here) who are still showing up for me. I wish I could remember the good things and miss him, but it's going to take some time.

JDancer

Please reach out to your children. Find out if the were effected by his behavior and provide support, if necessary. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

On a personal note, we had a friend with health issues who told my spouse where to find his porn collection upon his death, so his family wouldn't find it. Thankfully, it was all legal

Dio

Seek professional counseling, and maybe for your children, too, if they were affected. So sorry for your situation. Just know that there's help.