Advice on staying away after moving spouse to AL?

DORI321

I moved my ES DH into assisted living 2 months ago and it was the right thing to do. We were in crisis and I couldn't keep him or me safe or take care of him. But he is struggling with the move and is getting more anxious, fearful, and dependent on me being there. I have been going every day and leaving at the same time before dinner, but it is never enough. He is happier and calmer when I am there and I hate to see him miserable. But I need more time to take care of our finances, home, and health care for myself, and he can't understand that. The care and medical staff at the facility have assured me that he is well cared for, and are encouraging me to not be there every day all day. They suggested that I leave for seven days to do a "reset" and then establish a different pattern coming back so I can be the wife and less day-to-day caregiver. I am skeptical that a "reset" will happen. And I wonder how much I should be there when I come back to help him continue to adjust to his new home. His family and my family are adamant that I need to stop going every day and take time for me, and have been vocal that I cannot live with him and fall back into the dangerous pattern we had at home. So I have that support. But I still fill guilty about him feeling abandoned and so scared. I am the only family member close enough to visit him.

Has anyone had experience with this outside of memory care? Does a "reset" really work, and what do you recommend for visits when the spouse does not live with the person with Alzheimer's in assisted living?

Thank you for any advice!

Quilting brings calm

I visit my mom once or twice a week( unless I am out of town). For about an hour. I also transport her to medical appointments, shop for groceries and other needs, handle her mail and bills, etc. so sometimes I’m there three times. I think that schedule is enough for you too.
I also time my visits so that they are mid morning and so that I leave before the 11am activity hour. After that is lunch and then more activities until mid-afternoon. Supper is at 5- and most of the residents are in their pajamas shortly after that. The more activities that mom goes to the happier she is.

GiGi1963

I would listen to the staff and try the reset. When I placed my DH I stayed away for a week. He was happy to see me and he had already become comfortable with his new routine. You both need to accept that he is now in MC and you should not feel guilty for not continuing 24 hour care to him. Take care of you. Once he has adjusted you will feel less guilty.

sandwichone123

I placed my dh in assisted living when we both turned 60. I stayed away for two weeks, and have gone every Sunday (and taken him out to lunch) and Wednesday after work. He is happy to see me, but does not expect me to be his caregiver. Starting this Sunday, I'll be going right after breakfast and potentially staying all morning until they get ready for lunch, but we'll see how that goes….

Dio

Placement in assisted living or memory care isn't easy, but remember why you needed to place your LO will help ease the guilt. Cutting the umbilical cord from you requires time. Let him get acclimated to his new environment will help in the long run for both of you. Everyone is different and the adjustment period varies. Be patient with him and yourself. He is well taken care of by professionals—treat them as an extension of you to provide the best care for your LO.