Just need reminding that I'm doing the right things for dad

snicholson

So, based on the advise of this community and my own ability to see things more clearly, I have moved forward with holding a spot for dad at an AL community. I picked this place, as it has AL (which I feel is most appropriate for dad currently), but also has the MC part of the building where he can be transitioned to when the time comes. I liked the idea of him not having to be moved to a whole new facility or campus as his Alzheimers continues to progress. Right now, my biggest concerns are the fact that he is barely eating and continues to lose weight, along with issues remember his meds and not making mistakes when taking them (he took AM and PM both yesterday morning).

In addition to the "typical" difficulties, my niece's mother is fully taking advantage of him. I thought that once I took the vehicle and he could no longer get to her (as she does not have a license or vehicle of her own), that it would stop him from giving her money or buying her hundreds of dollars of stuff. However, he just called me yesterday to let me know that he had given her his card info over the phone "because they are out of groceries." Mind you, she gets ample state assistance for food, clothing vouchers for the kids and my niece collects SS money from her dad/my brother's death. I tried to explain that he shouldn't have done that, but of course it was pointless. He just got defensive and said he "likes to help out" because for whatever reason he holds her in a higher regard than anyone else, including my mother when she was still living. I, of course, contacted the bank and his card has been cancelled and the charges were not allowed to go through. I also have a meeting with an elder lawyer, but it is not until July 1st, so I am doing the best that I can or know how until then.

Rationally, I know that I am doing the things that I need to in order to protect my dad and his assets, but it just feels so wrong sometimes. I know I'm not alone in feeling conflicted, especially when they tell you they are "fine" and still seem capable of doing many things independently. Unfortunately, his reasoning skills are just not there anymore. His doctor tried to talk to him, with me, about AL and why and he just got angry and said he didn't need that, and then asked me later if she thought he was "crazy." I don't even know how to respond to his questions most of the time anymore. I tried explaining, but that clearly doesn't work, and I've tried little "fibs" especially about the car that he continues to ask about, but nothing feels "ok." I know that trying to get him to this AL community is going to be an awful fight too.

I have a hard time resting, as the whole situation has got me constantly preoccupied, and I feel stressed and emotionally exhausted. I also have my own business that I am running full-time while still trying to cross all of the t's and dot all of the i's in this devastating, messed up situation and disease. And no matter what, I am enemy number one for dad and I know it will only get worse once he figures out that I am making moves, legally, against my niece's mother. Hopefully, I can get contact with her cut off entirely, as she talks to him multiple times per day, so she keeps everything fresh in his mind (the fact that I took the car, that they "need" him, etc). Sorry for the long winded vent, I guess I just needed the support of this community where I know you all get where I'm coming from. Thanks for "listening!"

fmb

You are absolutely doing the right thing for your father. Just as you would protect a young child from unsafe living conditions and people who would take advantage of him, you need to protect your father. As in many situations in life, doing the right thing is rarely easy and can be very stressful. It is very difficult for an honest person to "lie", especially to a parent, but his safety and well-being are paramount. You wouldn't tell a young child a truth they couldn't possibly understand, either. Logic and reason no longer work. As has been said many times in this forum, you can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. You receive the brunt of his anger because you are the visible face of the loss of his independence. Rationally you know all of this, as you said above. Emotionally, though, it is devastating to realize that his cognitive abilities are regressing and that you must become the parent because he is becoming like a child. You are losing your father to this horrible disease and are an "orphan/not orphan". Losing a parent is difficult no matter how old you are. (My mother is in MC with Stage 7 ALZ, father died of ALZ.) Yet another loss to grieve on this terrible journey.

You obviously realize that you need to cut off your niece's parasitic mother and are taking legal steps to do so. I commend you for this. My DH gave lots of money to his drug-addicted daughter for years before I was finally able to convince him that she was an addict (this was before I had any idea DH had ALZ, now in Stage 7).

When you move your father to AL, be sure to alert the staff in writing and have it entered into his file that this woman is not allowed to visit or telephone him. (Sometimes well-meaning staff will put calls through on a facility cell phone.) It would also be a good idea for your father to not have a phone at all. He probably won't like that, but he could be easy prey for any scammer with a hard luck story. In AL he should have no need for bank debit cards, checks, credit cards, etc. or more than very small amounts of cash, as you will be paying all of his bills. You also might want to ascertain that he has not recently changed his will to favor this woman.

I do hope for both his sake and yours that you get him moved to the relative safety of the AL facility soon. The stress and exhaustion are real and can be debilitating. Make time and emotional space to take care of yourself. It is essential.

H1235

I can really relate to what you are going through. My niece and her 3 kids lived with my mom off and on for years before we finally got her diagnosed. Her great granddaughter stole her phone and then spent a month pretending to help her look for it. Mom was taking $300 a week out of her account, but I paid all her utilities (she was giving it to them). When they moved in they brought a cat that sprayed in the house. Mom was so embarrassed she refused to let me in her house. When I very calmly told my niece she needed to stop mooching off mom, she went to my mom and her little kids and told them I said they had to leave and could never see there grandma again. Mom was very very angry with me and didn’t speak with me for weeks. When we finally got everybody out of the house and mom was safe with my brother she still did not want me in her house. The frig was full, fruit flies everywhere, the house smelled of cat, it was so bad. My brother thought it was wrong to do things behind moms back or against her wishes so he told her I was cleaning the house. He thought the house should just set as is. When my brother took her back to her house to see what I had done, she blamed me for the pop spilled all over the wall, for the stain on the carpet and my cleaning was the reason she couldn’t find anything. Mom is now in AL and the niece has moved to another state😀. They still call her often(there is no way for mom to get them money). But even now all mom ever wants to talk about is them. They can and never have done any wrong in her eyes. She usually doesn’t even ask about my kids or grandkids. Mom started medication for her anger about a month ago and it’s helping. All of this just to let you know you are not alone. Hope you can get him to AL soon.

SusanB-dil

snicholson - You are doing great! Hang in there.

Similar situation here. It was MIL's niece and niece's daughter that did the financial damage. We had them 'trespassed'. If either of them attempt to contact or get into any of her business now, they will be legally charged. a LOT of damage was done! You are so right - it is a messed up and devastating situation and disease!

Yup - gotta protect our LO when they cannot even see that they aren't protecting themselves.

snicholson

I can't thank you all enough for the reassurance, kind words and support! It really does help to just talk to people who really and truly "get it." I am so thankful to have found this community! You all help prop me up, especially on days I feel it is almost impossible to get myself out of bed! Thank you for sharing your stories with me and "listening " to mine! Much love!!

snicholson

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213881#Comment_213881

Victoriaredux,

Thank you for the support and advice. I am actually in the process of printing bank statements and going through what I know to be charges or withdrawals that she had a hand in. Unfortunately she found a way to go pick him up the other day, took him to get another debit card, made a purchase and then I found out he also gave her some cash!! I have been to the bank with my DPOA and letter from neurologist stating he lacks capacity to make financial decisions, but they are still reluctant to help and act as if I have to go through court to restrict him from his money. My only other step before seeing the lawyer is to set up a separate account to "hide" dad's money from him. I will most definitely be asking the lawyer to send some kind of letter and also be asking about legal charges against her for elder abuse/exploitation at this point, as she is fully aware of his diagnosis and that what she is doing is wrong.

The AL campus is open to those on both AL and IL, so he can come and go and have visitors. However, my concerns about her going there have been expressed to a director and he told me that she and her bf can be placed on a list and they can make them leave at my request. I am hoping that between that and whatever assistance the lawyer can provide it will keep them away from dad. Hoping I can get some legal guidance on getting a protective order against them as well.

And since I am getting ready to try and move him in to AL…does anyone have any good suggestions of how to address this with dad? I know a lot of threads have said that discussing it with him will do no good because of his "broken reasoner." However, I'm just not sure what to do because I have to use his furniture to furnish his AL apartment and I can't very well take stuff out while he's there and not tell him something. I'm open to any advice. I know no matter what he is going to be angry with me, I just need to figure out how to "rip the bandaid off." It's to the point that I'm actually having nightmares about my interactions with him and how bad things are going to go. Some days I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point, but I also know that I don't have that luxury, too many people count on me.