Father fears running out of money, how to redirect?

whosthatlady

My dad is 86 years old with mild diagnosed dementia (he can remember things from 50 years ago but forgets that he ate 15 minutes ago or the conversation that he just had). There has been a slow cognitive decline over the last few years. He becomes fixated on one thing or another, whether it's the tv in his room (he never watches it, it has lost the signal from the provider box, but he thinks he needs to buy another tv because there's no picture).

He still lives in his home of 35 years; my sister is his 24/7 caregiver with respite caregivers three days a week for 4-hour shifts. Recently his fixation is that he is out of money and that he and my sister will have to sell the house and move into an apartment. He does have enough money to live comfortably. My wife & I are the Fiduciaries/Trustees of his trust (4 years ago he was rightfully advised by his attorney to resign as trustee of his trust, leaving my wife and I as the continuing successor trustees). He wants to go the bank and look at his accounts, the bank cannot show him anything because he is no longer titled on the accounts. He does not understand why his name is not on the accounts and has been very frustrated trying to comprehend it.

We have opened a separate checking account in his name only and this satisfied him. We keep plenty of money in his account for his every day needs (and then some) and we live several states away. We pay all of his bills and make sure his balance has plenty of money daily (he tries to do his calculations using a 4+ year old check register that shows a small balance in the account).

He used to complain to his daughter in the evening's about being out of money, but now this is starting first thing in the morning. My sister tries to explain to him that everything is ok and that they will be fine (he does like to go to casinos and go out to eat often, when they go out to eat, he pays for other patrons’ meals as well. When she brings that up, he tells her to mind her own business. When my sister goes to the bank, he wants to see the receipt. She tries not to show them to him because the balance is lower than his actual wealth and he won’t understand where all his money is at. He forgets that we are the trustees of the bank accounts (he says why would he give all of his of money away).

We do not benefit from being his Fiduciaries/Trustees and are very precise keeping records of all transactions.

Our question is; how do we redirect and appease his fear of running out of money? We fear that that if we show him his actual balances, he would want to go on a spending spree and/or freely give away money…and we don’t want him going to the bank and become frustrated again wanting to know where his money is.

terei

You have to tell him anything that will satisfy him. If he wants to see documents, tell him you will call and have them mailed out(BTW he actually should not be receiving any mail that he can see at this point anyway…it just starts more questions + anxiety) mail should be sent to P.o. box or other address)

“The documents are not AT the bank, they are elsewhere + they will have to mail”. “Oh, the docs are not here yet? I will call again..the PO is so terrible these days.” repeat repeat repeat.

It sounds as if sister is taking the brunt of this. She should not be telling him when she goes to the bank…he does not need to know where she is going if it starts him illogically questioning her. If it was my LO + he tried to pay for others’ meals, I would be interceding with the waitress or manager, + other patrons + explain the situation (that he has dementia) + that NO, he is not paying for anyone but themselves.

Clearly, if he is ‘worried about losing all his money’ but paying for other’s bills, his ability to maintain clear thinking is very compromised.

M1

welcome to the forum. This is a common obsession, it was for my partner also. There are no easy answers, but I would not try to show him any real numbers, and I would drastically limit what funds he has access to. If he goes out to eat at familiar places, perhaps your sister could have a word with the management that allows her to pay the bill but gives him a receipt, cutting off the temptation to pay for others? It would take some cooperation, but maybe possible. Your sister should not tell him anything about going to the bank-use fiblets here, she can say they were closed for a holiday, she’ll go tomorrow, whatever. She may need to have bills and solicitations sent to another address or to a P.O. Box (I had to hide the mail from my partner). I would keep an old statement around that you can show him repeatedly, he probably won’t notice the date or recognize it at all from one day to the next.

Eventually you should ease away his access to any checks, credit, or debit cards. You can also freeze his credit at all three agencies.

Hope some of this helps. I’m sure others will chime in.