MC move

TyroneSlothrop

My wife moved to MC a week ago. She seems to be adapting well; engaging with other residents, assisting the staff, being her cheerful self. I visited yesterday for the first time, and it was fun and fine, until I was leaving. She wanted to come with me. Staff tried to distract her with activity, but she was still resentful at my departure.

Do any of you have similar experiences, and strategies?

Tyrone

M1

that's a great first report and glad to hear it, sounds like you're off to a good start. leaving is always hard, in my experience. We just started our third year, and it's still a problem. She does not participate in group activities, so distracting her with that does not work. What works for us is that I either just slip out if she's napping, or tell her I have to go to something that she wouldn't want to come with me for—a doctor's appointment, picking up a grandchild. She always asks when I'll be back, but she won't remember the answer, so it seems not to matter what I say—usually I say "a couple of hours" rather than "tomorrow."
I always tell her that I'll call her when I get home (she hasn't had a phone in years).

clarinetist

Tyrone, I try to leave at mealtime, when my DH is distracted by food. I have to be very careful if I say I’m leaving to do something else that it’s not something he would like to do, as M1 says.

If all else fails, I’ll ask the staff to distract my DH while I slip away. They’ll ask him to go to the kitchen to reach something on a high shelf for them, or will sit with him, hold his hand and engage him in conversation. The staff really are wonderful.

Jazzma

I have learned to accept that my DH will always be unhappy when I leave. Sometimes he's annoyed with me, sometimes confused or hurt, sometimes just asking to please come home. I will always happen. The staff are very good at distracting him, and even so it's hard. I often leave the facility in tears. It's just how it is.

Another spouse whose DH has been there for two years told me she cried every day for the first year. Now she only cries most days.

Wishing you the best. One comfort is that, at least for me, my DH does not remember the situation for very long and the next day he is happy to see me again.

wizmo

I knew this could be a problem for me so nearly all of my visits end at meal time when I can escort DW to the table and wait for the food to come. Once she starts eating, she is focused on that. I excuse myself to go check on something, assisting a friend, etc. I tell her I will be back "later" or "in a little while" which could be after the meal, next day, multiple days. When I do return she will not know if it was an hour, a day, or a week. If I think there is going to be trouble, I ask one of the caregivers to assist and they know what to do.

Dio

Not advocating this for anyone, but I don't visit. Each visit seemed to traumatize both of us whenever I leave. The benefits just don't outweigh the bad—He'd be upset by my leaving cuz I can't take him home, and I'd be saddled with sadness and guilt leaving in tears. So what's the point of visiting? I've been grieving the loss of my husband to this wretched disease and the grief continues to no end. But I need to learn to live as a widow and survive on my own because that's the inevitable. I stay very close in contact with the facility staff and treat them as an extension of me to give DH the best care. At least, that's the situation for now. Interestingly, though, my DH never once asked why I don't visit but will say he misses me. Visits by his closest of friends and my family members will have to do for now.

M1

I think what works varies over time. Like Dio I was rarely able to visit during her first year in MC but now in the third year (and hospice) I’m here almost every day. Nowhere is another spouse who could only visit in disguise initially but now was able to take her DH on an anniversary cruise. Those who are currently isolated, don’t give up.

livefree2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213829#Comment_213829

I understand. I might have to do the same when it eventually comes to MC.

SDianeL

I also time my visit at meal times. I don’t say I’m leaving. I just kiss him on the head and say I Love You and walk out. He won’t remember anyway. Then I cry when I get to the car.