Care giving kickback in stage 8

gampiano

Hello,

It's been a long time since i've posted, although i still check in periodically to see how you all are doing. I thought it might be helpful to share some information about stage 8.

It has been a little over 8 months since my husband died, a home, with hospice care. My initial reaction, as sole care giver with little help, was to exhale, and succumb to the overpowering fatigue that descended once i was able to lean in to it.

Of course, there were arrangements to be made, documents to sign, loose ends to tie up, and family matters to handle as each person has their own unique "grief reaction". After the funeral, there were many house chores to address, and as we know, as nice as it is to own a home, the house can just suck the energy (and money ) out of you. I know it sounds strange, but even though i was tending to these chores alone for at least 6 years, my husband's presence was valued, even though he was incapable.

Things began to "fall into place", and I took a vacation with some family members which was a joy. I was feeling more energetic, ready to open myself to attending some local events, etc.

But, as we know, sometimes the universe has another plan. Last month my grand daughter, who has ongoing health concerns due to spinal cord surgeries, was hospitalized with an infection. Her mom and I took turns being present at the hospital so we wouldn't miss the doctor's report each day.We, unfortunately, have done this many times.

So now, in month 8 of stage 8, I am having a bit of PTSD. The Hospice grief counselor has told me this is not surprising. So…. her advice to me is to take one day at a time (i thought i was done with that lol). If i'm having a low energy day, just do the minimum, and stop looking at the "to do list".

I'm sharing this because, as care givers, i feel all we ever had were "to do lists", and we're conditioned to that way of being.

So, i'm saying "yes to less". The note to self is in several places around the house….

I'm praying for all of you,

Maureen

M1

good to hear from you Maureen. I’m sorry about your granddaughter, I hope she can make a good recovery. It’s exhausting to me to even imagine having to go back to caregiving in another setting….your reaction is not surprising. I’m sitting here this morning as my partner sleeps the day away, both wishing for her death and dreading it. Stage 8 looms but is unimaginable to me. I’m going to miss her so much….

tigersmom

Maureen, glad to hear from you and about your vacation, but so very sorry to hear about your granddaughter. I hope that things are getting better for her. I hear you on the “yes to less.” I deicded a few months back to make things easier for myself, too. I now shop less, cook less, and clean less. I still have to feed us, but I try to shop for more than one meal at a time (we market on foot, so daily shopping has been a way of life for a long time). What I cook has become simpler. It is more important to pay attention to my DH than to spend an hour in the kitchen whipping up a gourmet feast. And I’m letting go of my seven-day housecleaning schedule now that I do it all myself. What does it matter, really, if it goes ten days or even more? No one is seeing it but us, because I’ve stopped entertaining, too. If his sister wants to come for dinner she can take it as it is. There is something freeing in this. Thinking positive thoughts for you and your granddaughter.

Dio

((((Hugs)))) I know it's hard to think positive under stressful times. But it is in these times that we need to stay positive all the more. You'll get through this, too.

Denise1847

Maureen, I am sorry to hear about your granddaughter. I hope she feels better and heals from the infection. Honestly, the problems keep coming for all of us. Isn't dealing with Alzheimer's enough?

Jeanne C.

Hi Maureen - I was just thinking about you and am so glad you checked in. I hope your granddaughter recovers well. I'll keep your family in my thoughts. Continue to be gentle with yourself. Sending peace.