How to manage with a caregiver

Kiran

My mom is 79 years old and is in advanced stage of dementia. She has urine and bowel incontinence and hence needs to be cleaned very often. I have kept a caregiver, but my mom refuses to accept her ...for cleaning her, bathing her and nowadays is so agitated..always screaming n asking her to get out. The caregiver is very tolerant and patiently manages her, but my mom has become very inhumane with her. Mom is unable to form sentences well and is unable to put the right words across and I completely understand her frustration...but her behaviour is unacceptable.

Have tried to tell mom that she is not doing the right thing, but she strongly reacts and thinks that I am taking sides of the Caregiver.

How do I make my mom understand her wrongdoings and that she needs to remain hygienic to avoid hospitalization.

Apologies if I sound frustrated, but I have been so consumed with these daily fights that I am unable to find a solution.

The doctor has added a quetipine tab in the morning for her anxiety too.

Please Guide as I am not keen to send her to a dementia care home yet and we still do not have many day care centre's in India yet.

SusanB-dil

You need to tell her doc that she is still so agitated.

You are NOT going to get mom to understand that what she is doing is unacceptable. Her reasoning is broken and to argue with her will only get both of you more upset. Yes, it is frustrating. That is a blessing you have such an understanding helper, but she shouldn't be putting up with the abuse, either. You need to tell her doc what mom is saying and doing.

You can also tell your mom that the caregiver is there for 'extra credits toward certified nursing certificate' and that mom is helping the caregiver. It might work, but again, need to get the agitation settled way down.

Sorry you are dealing with all of that. It is heartbreaking.

livefree2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69689/how-to-manage-with-a-caregiver

You are lucky to have such a wonderful caregiver. My mom is in ALF and is showing the exact same behaviors. As the previous response said…her reasoning skills no longer work and are broken. My mom is very mean to staff, no longer will shower, hides her clothing, won’t eat much….
The case worker told me that Mom will be leaving to MC in another building as soon as space becomes available since they can no longer adequately fill her needs 😢

I was hoping she could age in place…

You might want to consider MC …as it is only going to become more difficult for you to manage.

Hope this helps….

​fesk

Hi Kiran,

I am sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation.

You don't mention if the agitation is new or has increased recently. You want to rule out things like UTIs which can make behaviors worse. If there isn't a medical issue, speak with the doctor to see if her medication needs adjustment.

Also, is the agitation only around getting cleaned or is it all the time? If it is only around getting cleaned, your mother may be afraid or not understand what is happening. Does she act this way if you try help her or only with the caregiver? Is the caregiver new? Have you had a different caregiver and did your mom react the same way? There may be things you can do and approaches you can try to lessen her behavior.

Kiran

Thank you so much for all your responses.

The doctor did elude to a possibility of UTI..n we started her meds too.

We hired the Caregiver on 1st June as I was unable to manage the load. Given that she was new, I used to partner with her and share responsibilities till such time my mom and the Caregiver bond together. However, my mom refuses to accept her in our life.

Agitation typically increases when we need to give her a bath or clean her up after potty.