A new unexpected life.

Lucifer

I worked hard for 45 years in a self employed stressful medical business. Have a wife and three kids and I worked scared all my life. Always what if. what if I die. What if I am disabled. What if the kids aren't brought up right and get into trouble. What if they can't find jobs. Etc. I denied myself enjoyment in the name of providing for the family. My goal was to being able to retire with the financial security for myself and family and enjoy the last years of my life with my wife doing the things we enjoyed 54 years ago. At 67 I did it. My wife retired too or should I say quit. Quit everything except the joy of her grandchildren. Fortunately I found a travelling partner with the same situation and we had a good ten years. Now, both wives have cognitive problems and "the boys" can't be away for more than three or four days. Her memory doesn't last day to day. She doesn't want to drive in fear of getting lost even with GPS. She hasn't cooked for ten years. She no longer house cleans. She watches TV ten to twelve hours a day. I suffer from an inherited depression that I am medicated for and counsulled for. But this is driving me to drink to find relief. I can cover all of her short comings but this isn't a life I looked forward to.

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SDianeL

so sorry. this is not the life any of us wanted. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which was recommended by a nurse. Learn all you can about this heartbreaking & terrifying illness. Make a list of things you need to do. Get DPOAs from an Elder Care Attorney. Plan what long term care will look like. Get finances in order. Come here for help and support.

Dio

Sorry you have to be here. We all are. None of us wants to be in this predicament. Life isn't always fair. Be glad she recused herself from driving. Be glad she can watch TV, period. Take the wins while you can. Take a deep breath. Take care of your depression. You will survive this.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Yes, it's awful to lose your spouse to this terrible disease, it sounds like the tv watching and doing nothing else is pretty advanced apathy, which is characteristic. Have you gotten your legal paperwork etc. taken care of? You should hold power of attorney for her for healthcare and finances. Look to the right under Quick Links and Groups, and there is one for new members with a lot of useful information.

I would worry about leaving her alone overnight at all by what you are describing. I also completely empathize and would worry about it "driving you to drink." When I put my partner in memory care I decided to quit drinking alcohol altogether, as it is too tempting to self-medicate with it.

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Lucifer

Our legal and financial lives are completely in order. Instructions have been given in the event I die first.

I am a planner for everything physical and will manage any and all future decline in her mental state.

mrahope

I'm glad you've made plans for your future, @Lucifer . That will at least ensure somewhat against the terrible "what ifs" of life. Please remember to adjust as needed. We all feel the loss of the future(s) we planned for. About the only thing that helps me is to slow down, and go moment by moment if I must, reminding myself of what I still have. Hard to do when struggling with depression, I know. One tiny step at a time…

Arrowhead

My wife was diagnosed in 2016 and took retirement 18 months later. In 2019 we took our dream vacation. By the next summer she was too far along to make another possible. She retired with a large IRA and a large pension. We now have more money that I ever thought we would, but now she’s in memory care. I would like to travel, but have no one to travel with and I don’t want to do so alone. This isn't the life I looked forward to either.

Janis Gail

Hi, I feel your pain and loss. We have a similar situation, although my partner is still living at home. She was diagnosed with MCI in 2019. We are both grieving the progressive losses that continue day after day, everyday. We have money too, and MK says, "It's not fair, we worked so hard so we could retire," and now she has AD and we can't do the things that we wanted to do. We are sad. We love each other very much.

Crushed

DW was world famous in her medical field. I was a full professor by 40 and Prof. emeritus by 2009
two brilliant daughters. That was 2010 She was 58 and I was 59 . We had a golden retirement planned

Never happened. I have been on the Alzheimer's road for 14 years.
Only advice I can give is DON'T DRINK I quit drinking in 2010.
Make a placement decision when it suits your needs . I placed DW in 2017 She gets the best of care but has not known who I am since 2017 No cognitive functioning since 2020

just one day at a time