Processing Grief During the Journey

LindaLouise

I recently placed my spouse of 46 years in memory care and am grappling with the process of grief. I visit daily, and when I'm not with him, I'm often overwhelmed with sadness. It's like the relief of being able to sleep and not dealing with constant anger and aggression managed to move me straight to grief and I'm so sad. But - to those around me, this grief seems to not be real. To me, I've lost my life partner, but he hasn't passed away and no one else seems to get it, except for my DD. I'm also dealing with my 92 year old mom and her dementia and health issues, and discussing her care and condition with my brothers on a daily basis seems like a bizarre reality. I'm grieving my DH, but discussing my Mom's meds, dr visits, etc. with my brothers as if I was a normal, non-grieving person. I also have to show up for my DH in a positive, cheerful way, and interact with my grandkids as a grandma version of myself that, with kids between 0 and 10, doesn't include bouts of crying. I find myself avoiding conversations with my neighbors, not responding to chatty texts asking how my DH is doing but doing "normal" life while privately grieving is getting a little crazy. Any wisdom, advice or thoughts on how to be a grieving "widow" while living a life in a world that doesn't acknowledge the loss?

jfkoc

You will get plenty of acknowledgement here. Grief lives with loss. You are losing your husband and also your mother. You have no control over it. You can push it to the side for periods of time but it will work its way back to the front.

Quilting brings calm

it’s ok to grieve. Many people whose LOs have a terminal condition start grieving while they are still alive. Grief takes as long as it takes and it comes in whatever form it comes. You don’t have to explain or apologize for whatever form it’s taking for you. I can tell you that it makes it difficult to perform at a high ( or average) level - period. There are days that you binge watch TV or binge read books- and that’s ok. I know whereof I speak( or type ). Our son died unexpectedly 14 months ago, my step-dad died 4 months ago… and my 86 year old mom is in an AL with dementia.

One suggestion I will make is stop doing everything daily. Visit your spouse every other day. Talk to your siblings every other day or less. Your mom’s condition isn’t changing every day (unless she’s in crisis right now). So pull into yourself and rest. Read that book, watch that show. If you feel up to it, go to lunch or to an event a friend. It’s also ok to not discuss your mom or spouse if you don’t want to.

Dio

Grief is part of our healing process. We caregivers understand. It's very hard to stay positive, but it's in these times that we need to stay positive ever more. Battling depression is also extremely difficult. I don't want to have to take meds…they're too easily addictive. I struggled but got through many such days. If there's a favorite thing you want to do, just go and do it. I do. I'm also learning to live like a widow. It's hard but we humans are resilient and will adapt.