Checking in

JoseyWales

Hello my friends!

Just thought I'd check in. I just "celebrated" our 32nd anniversary, so thought it would be a good time to update everyone on what's going on now.

DH is finally fairly comfortable. After years of his extreme agitation, anxiety, and whatever else was going on, he's now fairly calm. He turned 60 last January, and now has almost no response to his environment at all. He eats pureed food and drinks with a straw. He eats and drinks well. I notice no preference for different foods. He can move his legs, and crosses and uncrosses them constantly. He will also push against the footrest with both feet, which causes him to slide down the wheelchair. So staff have to move him back up several times a day. He spends most of his time sleeping.

I think I've said this before, but I'm very happy with where he is. It isn't beautiful, and the aides turn over A LOT, but that's normal in any facility around here. There are many aides who are constants, and the nurses during the day are the same ones that have been there for the entire 2.5 years DH has been there. They take good care of him, and he's physically very healthy.

It's just heartbreaking to see him like this. I still visit every other day for about 2 hours. I feel I need to, so I can notice if there are any changes or problems. I usually go for a meal so I can help feed him and see how he's doing.

My biggest problem right now is me. I feel stuck in this time of my life. My dad passed away after a QUICK illness about 2 months ago. My mom seems to have moved on with her life better than I have. I know she hasn't really, but it seems like that to me. While I'm helping her through our loss of my dad, I'm watching how things are FINAL for her. For me, I'm in limbo. I placed DH almost 2.5 years ago, yet I still have his stuff all over the house. It feels so wrong to get rid of a lot of it when he's still on this earth.

I've been working on painting and updating my bedroom and living room. Next up is the rest of the downstairs. Huge projects in my 130 year old house. I'm changing it A LOT so it reflects what I like, instead of what DH wanted. I'm doing it all myself, so it keeps me busy. I guess that's moving on.

M1

glad to hear from you Josey. I completely get the limbo, it’s a purgatory of sorts. Very hard to get things done or move in. Sounds like you are doing the best you can. That’s all any of us can do.

Quilting brings calm

Im sorry about your dad. I totally understand the feeling of being stuck (in Limbo). Don’t worry about getting rid of DHs’ stuff. You will know when the time is right. How is your son doing?

JoseyWales

Thanks M1 and QBC.

My son's doing ok. He visits his dad about once a month, and made a special trip over on Father's day on his own even though he had just visited the week before. He's now talking more about his dad, bringing up memories and telling me how he wished he known him better before dementia hit.

He still doesn't want to finish college, he lives at home right now, and just quit the job he had for about a year and a half. He's working at a camp this summer, then has plans to take on a different job in August. The new job is promising - if it all works out he'll take over this person's business in about a year when the owner retires.

I'm super ticked at my step-son. He hasn't seen his dad in 3 years, and only lives 30 minutes away. I haven't heard from him in over a year.

mrahope

Just letting you know you're not the only one with the "in limbo" feeling, @JoseyWales . After DH was placed in April, I've mused on this often. If the person had died, people would have sent you notes, brought you casseroles, and maybe invited you over on on Thanksgiving. When our spouse is out of our home and (mostly) life, no one knows what to do other than tell you what you already knew, that you had to do it. It's just another thing that's totally not fair about dementia.

midge333

Ya, you are not alone. Many days, I feel like I my entire life is "on hold", while waiting for my DW to die. More ambiguous loss/grief…