Planning to move my father to my home

JM27

Hello all. Im planning to move my father here with me in my home which is in a different state then he lives. He lives alone in his own home and his dementia is progressing. He thinks he is coming for a visit. But in actuality won’t be going back home this time. I will need to go thru his things at home and sell the house at a later time. I tried selling the house a few years ago and my father was aware of all offers and declined everyone. At that point I took the home off the market. I feel it’s a decision he can no longer be a part of unfortunately.
I am very worried how this will go once he gets here and continues to ask to go home. It’s not what I want to do but he can no longer make decisions on his own or is he capable of going thru his things and packing them up. He says everyday that he’s going to be selling his home to move her and he is going to start getting rid of things but that is not what happening.
I’m scared of the unknown. While myself, husband and daughter are preparing for me to bring him back in a few weeks my anxiety is bad. I guess because I never made a decision for him without his input. I am also dreading the tantrums and outburst at any given time. Although they are not bad they happen and are triggering for me.

psg712

You are doing the right thing for your dad. No one can predict exactly how he will react, but we can hope that he will gradually settle into a new routine at your place. His comments appear to show that on some level, he knows that he needs this change - he is just not capable of executing it himself.

Whatever his reactions and no matter how often he asks to go home, remind yourself that you have made this move for his safety and well-being. Even if he cannot understand it. Parents make decisions for young children in their best interests, even when the child cannot understand and is upset about it. This is similar. You are doing this out of your love for him.

JM27

Thank you so much for the word of encouraging and strength. I do know in my heart I am making this decision for him to remain safe. ❤️

mabelgirl

It’s good that you are going into this eyes open wide. My mom moved in with me a year ago after living mostly her entire life in VA , from one siblings family to another. She never had a place of her own. She was living with my youngest brother but even before her dementia got “bad” she would often ask to move here and was always preparing one thing or another to come. Then when it was really needed my brother said she didn’t want to leave. A week or two later I get called in the middle of the night because my mom is in the road in the mountains where bears roam and a creek near by. No one was home with her. Since no other sibling in VA except the irresponsible one, felt they could care for her she came here to FL. I would say I had no idea what to expect and naively thought I was prepared. I’ve learned a lot over the course of this year but most importantly is the ability to shield myself from her constant complaints and accusations. I am not always successful as I am human. I’ve also learned you just got to do what’s right for the situation. That one took me a while to realize as even something as simple as ordering lunch can become a scene. It’s hard at my age to not do as my mom says but I know it’s no longer just my mom in there. I know moving her was the best solution for her care and safety.
If you haven’t already done so, I would suggest you look into elder services in your area. After about 4 months mom started a decline and I found myself needing breaks more often(it’s just the 2 of us in the home) She now has a home companion that comes a couple times a week that I can do what I want or need without constant worrying about mom. So moving her here was best for her but now I need I need to also consider what do I need to stay healthy and safe as well. So my decisions now are what is best for us. And so the journey continues …

Prayers for you and your family that you find the right solutions for everyone’s health and well being. Also for peace for you in making these difficult decisions.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214748#Comment_214748

Thank you so much for the prayers, peace and support. I am in the process of getting his care team transferred out here here to Ca thru the VA. I am told a social worker will put me in touch with facilities ect near by. I am hoping to be able to bring in home health durning the day or possibly have him go to adult day care. My father wasn’t the happiest before dementia always a grumpy man talking down to me and my older sibling who has had no interest in what’s going on with my father the last 3 years. Once I get care established out here I will start planning for long term care. Thank you again.