Making stuff up

Cubby30923

My DH is constantly making stuff up, from what I understand it is his brain trying to fill in the blanks. He was diagnosed with dementia caused by Alzheimer’s in March of this year. It has been a long journey to get to that diagnosis. Anyways, back to making stuff up, for whatever reason it bothers me that he does that. How do others handle it? How do you not let it bother you? Any help is appreciated.

Anna2022

My DH does this when and because he can't remember things. I used to try to correct him, but soon realized that was counterproductive. I can't reason with someone whose brain is struggling to make sense of things and retrieve memory. So I learned to go along with whatever and that unless it is dangerous for him or others, I just let him be. I tell myself and others that he is an unreliable reporter of the facts/past. It can be crazy making at times for me, but I do periodic "reality checks" with friends to keep me sane.

jsps139_

My HWD makes stories up everyday. He believes what he is saying with all his heart. There is no way I would correct him while telling these harmless stories. The more I engage with him while listening to his story with little comments (that’s nice or that sounds like fun etc) the more excited he gets in telling his story. He smiles a lot during these times, and that is enjoyable for me. Even though everything is completely made up , at least we are communicating, and that feels so good for both of us.
The more you read about Alzheimer’s, the more you will understand what’s happening with him, and the more patient you will get with these little things.
I recently read “Meet Me Where I Am” and “Let’s Talk Dementia.” Both books were so helpful. If you haven’t read them, maybe you could give them a try.
I’m glad you reached out - you will be so glad you did. Everyone on here is so nice and full of good advice with a lot of compassion.
It’s nice to know that you are not alone, right?

Vitruvius

I don't mean to minimize your irritation or to lecture you in anyway but the best way to keep from stressing out is acceptance. Accept what you really have little chance of changing. You will come to find that it is almost a given that your DH's disposition will be affected by your's. When you get stressed and irritable, he is likely to get stressed and irritable. Hopefully when you are calm and pleasant, he will be to. Although this doesn't always follow unfortunately, and then you may need to look into medications. But even in this case being calm will help both of you.

My DW wife is very near the end (Stage 7e according to hospice) and in the early days things did bug me a bit but I wouldn't have made it this far without letting go of all the harmless odd and even difficult behavior. As noted by others above, stay vigilant about health and safety issues and learn to just go with all the rest of the weirdness. Frankly I'd give a lot to even have one of those delusional conversations now that my DW is completely unable to communicate.

M1

There's a name for at least some of this—it's called confabulating—and it's quite common. Getting used to it takes time. In the past, you and your loved one probably always corrected each other and edited each other's speech, it's part of the normal give and take between a couple. But you can't do that now, and it puts a separation between you that wasn't there before. I think recognizing that helps you get over the irritation.

We were watching Wimbledon on TV the other day—my partner was quite the golf and tennis player in the past. I asked her if she'd ever been to Wimbledon—knowing full well that she hadn't—and yes, in fact, she'd been several times. That's the kind of thing that happens.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This was one of dad's behaviors. Prior to his diagnosis, which was a decade in the making given mom's denial of the obvious, it was hard to be on the receiving ends of his tales. Early on, before I understood the mechanics of the behavior it felt like rewriting family history in a bid to glorify himself and/or repair my late sister's (his favorite and mini-me) reputation. He would tell stories accusing me of all manner of the terrible thing both his sister (a seriously troubled individual with mental health and substance abuse issues) or mine (same as her aunt) had done in the past. Worst, he shared these stories with people who didn't know the truth including my then middle-school-aged son. I recall one doozey— me leaving "the kids" in a bar to have sex and do drugs with some random man and being called by a bartender to collect them which he did, and which led to the mom losing custody— that led to him being on the no-fly list with my husband and son.

About 8 years later when the shoe dropped and he was diagnosed, his doctor explained the mechanics of conflated memory. Once I understood these tales as the product of a diseased brain, I made the choice not to let his works of fiction impact me. As his disease progressed, his confabulations became increasingly fantastic and even more fascinating to dissect.

One caveat, this tendency to conflate meant we had to have tight reins on his TV viewing as he struggled to distinguish between reality and what he saw on TV. Mom's crime dramas, the news and even weather were problematic. I put parental controls on the main TV to avoid these triggers.

HB

ButterflyWings

Ditto to all these members have said. Here is more explanation from Google, with a link: Confabulation is a neuropsychiatric disorder wherein a patient generates a false memory without the intention of deceit. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK536961/#:~:text=Definition%2FIntroduction,without%20the%20intention%20of%20deceit.

Also, in my experience, the havoc that dementias wreak with language processing in our LOs brains can contribute at some point. In asking my DH a question or giving him instructions that did not go as I had expected, it took me a minute to realize that what I thought I said, was not what he understood. We know that can happen even in conversation with people whose brains aren't broken.

Example, when he was more verbal (before agnosia set in) if I asked DH if he had ever done so-and-so, the answer might be yes with details from the movie we'd just seen. "Done it", "been there" etc. may not have translated exactly as I meant it. He was there in a way, though not in person. He actually did experience the whatever it was, so he was not lying. We learn to not be so literal in our interpretation of what they are saying.

Also, confabulated tales often have some factual basis and personal history so as everyone said, it is more a blurring of their memory and reporting ability including some delusional thinking that comes with the territory, as their diseased brains glitch periodically while still trying to put the puzzle pieces together. One solution to shake off the stress this is causing you: Imagine yourself in their shoes and maybe it will be easier to be compassionate. It was for me, after a period of feeling like I could tear my hair out, before I made my own brain shift.

I'm a Stage 7 spouse now like Vitruvius and I too would love to hear my largely silent DH spin some of those tales that made me cringe many times back in the day. At the time, he also was in the monologue phase and totally dominating conversations with repetitive narratives, sometimes slightly changing details. A new friend we shared some respite time with reassured me she and her hubby did not mind nearly as much as I did, in part because I thought he was irritating them as well as embarrassing himself. "At least his stories are interesting!" she said as they listened for hours on end one weekend.

With dementia, as in life generally, it isn't so much what happens as how we respond to it. Keep breathing. But get some earbuds and listen to your favorite music sometimes if you need a break from the chatter.😅

Jgirl57

Acceptance is the only thing you can do. Right now my HWD/Alz is telling me all about when he lived in Hawaii. He has never lived anywhere other than the state he was born in. ( not Hawaii) The acceptance does take awhile.