Frustrated

snicholson

Hello again everyone! This post is more of an update and a bit of a rant, I suppose. I have moved forward with signing a lease for AL for my dad, as the place I found is very nice and space goes quickly. I attempted to have a conversation with him about the move yesterday, and took him to see that it is not a nursing home, like I'm sure he would have imagined it to be. As I am sure that most of you already suspect, the conversation went over like a lead balloon. He was angry, defensive, nothing is wrong with him and he's not leaving his home.

I am trying to be as respectful as possible to his position and allow him to have what independence he is still capable of having in a safe way. I originally wasn't going to discuss much with him at all, but when reading The 36 Hour Day it stated that I should try to include him as much as possible in things that pertain to him, even if the decision has been made for him. I guess I'm conflicted now because I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't since he is obviously not going to go voluntarily. Most people, who know what I'm dealing with, say that I am doing the right thing for him, but there are a few of the family who have recently said to me "I don't know that I would 'force' him to go." So from where I stand, I see my options as 1. do nothing and wait for something to happen (a fall, get sick, or have another injury that lands him in the hospital and then to a not so nice nursing home, etc.), or 2. go to court and take over conservatorship/guardianship and have him transported to the nice AL community that I have already secured for him.

The family that are suggesting to not "force" him to go are not around or with him often at all. Honestly, I don't think that any of them have been around him since his diagnosis of Alz. I try to explain that he is not eating, yet swears he is (I count his freezer meals and very few get eaten and he continues to lose weight), is mixing up meds at times (even though I go fill his container and try to remind him when to take them via text), I live over 30mins away so couldn't get there in a hurry, etc. And the suggestion was home health who, in this area, may go 1-3 times a week for a very short time, which does nothing for my concerns about his safety. Add onto this that twice, in the past week, we weren't able to reach him on the phone. When this happens my first option is to call the neighbor and see if she's seen him or can check on him, but she has a life and is not always around. The only other option is to drive the almost 40mins just to show up and he had a setting on the phone changed or just chose not to answer. This is extremely stressful when I don't know if it's "nothing" or he's ill or injured.

I am his primary caregiver, DPOA, MPOA, and the one who takes care of everything for him, but now I am also the enemy in his eyes. So, should I just rip the bandaid off and go legally take conservatorship/guardianship so that I can "force" him into the nice AL community??

Thanks for letting me rant!

psg712

If you have DPOA and MPOA, I don't see why you should have to go to court for guardianship. Others with more experience here can clarify, perhaps it depends on the state. I had a similar situation with my mom and was able to move her several states away from her own home to an AL near me with just the DPOA.

You are never going to get his buy-in on this move. He can't perceive his need for it. You just have to take charge and do it. You are absolutely right that it is best for his safety. And the well-meaning family who don't like the idea of forcing this on him ... I had those conversations too. Just like you, I found that these opinions came most strongly from people who had not seen mom is quite a while and had no idea how she was struggling with simple daily tasks, how she was being scammed, not taking meds correctly, losing weight, neglecting personal hygiene ... the list goes on. Even when I told them, it was hard for them to believe. It's a lonely position to be in, but you are doing the hard and the right thing for your dad. Proceed with the move. Rant here all you need to, we get it!

M1

Agree that if you have DPOA you already have the authority you need. You need a plan to get him there the day of the move.

H1235

My mom did not want to move, but did not dig in her heals and flat out refuse. We told her she was moving period. It wasn’t pretty but she went because she realized she had no choice. She barely spoke with me she was ferocious. I also don’t see the need for a guardianship. I would check with Al. I don’t know what more guardianship would do for you. Im not sure that even with guardianship anyone will come to the house and transport him to AL. I assume the Al is near you. Could you invite him to your house for dinner then just drive him to Al when finished. Tell him whatever it takes to get him in the building or even just out of the car. Al staff can probably take it from there.

You would have to have the room ready which will be tricky since you can’t move his things out while he is home. Ideally one family member would keep him occupied while the other takes the things he will need to Al and set everything up. Talk with the Al facility, they have been through this and may have some ideas. They will also need to know he is uncooperative. This is gut wrenching but it needs to be done.

jlc105

> @snicholson said:
> Hello again everyone! This post is more of an update and a bit of a rant, I suppose. I have moved forward with signing a lease for AL for my dad, as the place I found is very nice and space goes quickly. I attempted to have a conversation with him about the move yesterday, and took him to see that it is not a nursing home, like I'm sure he would have imagined it to be. As I am sure that most of you already suspect, the conversation went over like a lead balloon. He was angry, defensive, nothing is wrong with him and he's not leaving his home.
> I am trying to be as respectful as possible to his position and allow him to have what independence he is still capable of having in a safe way. I originally wasn't going to discuss much with him at all, but when reading The 36 Hour Day it stated that I should try to include him as much as possible in things that pertain to him, even if the decision has been made for him. I guess I'm conflicted now because I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't since he is obviously not going to go voluntarily. Most people, who know what I'm dealing with, say that I am doing the right thing for him, but there are a few of the family who have recently said to me "I don't know that I would 'force' him to go." So from where I stand, I see my options as 1. do nothing and wait for something to happen (a fall, get sick, or have another injury that lands him in the hospital and then to a not so nice nursing home, etc.), or 2. go to court and take over conservatorship/guardianship and have him transported to the nice AL community that I have already secured for him.
> The family that are suggesting to not "force" him to go are not around or with him often at all. Honestly, I don't think that any of them have been around him since his diagnosis of Alz. I try to explain that he is not eating, yet swears he is (I count his freezer meals and very few get eaten and he continues to lose weight), is mixing up meds at times (even though I go fill his container and try to remind him when to take them via text), I live over 30mins away so couldn't get there in a hurry, etc. And the suggestion was home health who, in this area, may go 1-3 times a week for a very short time, which does nothing for my concerns about his safety. Add onto this that twice, in the past week, we weren't able to reach him on the phone. When this happens my first option is to call the neighbor and see if she's seen him or can check on him, but she has a life and is not always around. The only other option is to drive the almost 40mins just to show up and he had a setting on the phone changed or just chose not to answer. This is extremely stressful when I don't know if it's "nothing" or he's ill or injured.
> I am his primary caregiver, DPOA, MPOA, and the one who takes care of everything for him, but now I am also the enemy in his eyes. So, should I just rip the bandaid off and go legally take conservatorship/guardianship so that I can "force" him into the nice AL community??
> Thanks for letting me rant!

I completely understand how you feel. I am in the same situation except my dad is all alone (his wife left him about 9 months ago and took all his money). Hugs to you.

jlc105

I completely understand how you feel. I am in the same situation except my dad is all alone (his wife left him about 9 months ago and took all his money). Hugs to you.

mabelgirl

you are doing the best for both of you, his safety and well being, and your peace of mind and less stress. I don’t think folks who aren’t directly dealing with a PWD has no clue what is best.
Prayers for peace for both of you.

ButterflyWings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69774/frustrated

So very sorry you are in this dilemma. Of course with what you described, he should not be living alone.

I do not agree with the 36 hour day on that point. Many very reputable sources (and many more families who actually experienced living with a PWD LO) say the opposite! Don’t ask, don’t tell, fiblets, the best answer is the one that gives the most comfort and so on.

Why try to include and convince someone with anosognosia and other brain deficits? It is never going to overcome their delusions that all is well and can cause trust and cooperation issues when their very safety, and your sanity are at stake. No wonder you are not sure what to do now.

Ignore the peanut gallery, for one. They don’t know the reality and they are not there helping shoulder this load. I do hope something shifts for him to agree to go for a short vacation “so tests can be done, or house can be fixed”, or something. It is not too late for you to take a completely different approach to get him there “temporarily”, since the full disclosure approach backfired, as it is known to do with PWDs who can’t process reality anymore.

livefree2

You are doing the best thing possible for your dad. My mom went to AL last year and I’m completely convinced it has enhanced and lengthened her life. It took many conversations with her…some days she wasn’t going to move…other days she realized she couldn’t take care of herself. The thing that really hit home with her was that her doctor advised her to move for for safety reasons. My mom always listens to what the dr says. I don’t know what I would have done if my mother refused on the day of the move. I had the place all set up except for her beloved recliner which my husband moved for me.

Can you take Dad to a Dr appt and then immediately go to AL afterwards? Get the Dr on board?

Hope this helps.
Again…you are absolutely doing what’s best for dad!

lamijo

I'm in the same boat with my Mom. I'm touring AL facilities right now and when I find the best place for her, I'm hoping to find a way to get her to move. Since I see her everyday, I know exactly what her challenges are because of the dementia. But most other family and friends see or talk to her less frequently, so they can't understand why I am so concerned about my Mom. My Mom says she is just old and has a bad memory sometimes. One idea I have is that I might be able to use her problems with her legs as a way to get her to move. Her legs and feet swell a lot and she's supposed to wear compression socks, but she can't get them on properly by herself. Recently, she wasn't wearing them right and her legs got ulcers and we had a urgent situation to deal with. I really hope you find a way to get your dad to move.