Memory care facility. When is it time

tryingtodurvive

I’m sure just about every one on here has either delt with this issue or will at some point but I’m beginning to do something I never thought I’d do. I’m considering a memory care facility for the future. My heart is breaking even thinking about it. I’m 62 and still work full time as an insurance broker. At times during the year I’m slow and can work mostly at home but in September I will get very busy. I’ve had my DH with me 24/7 except when friends come to stay with him for me for about 2-3 years now. I’ve even taken him to do benefit meetings with me but he’s reached a stage where that’s not possible. He’s unable to do hardly anything for himself and has 0 short term memory but he still knows I’m his wife most times and is so sweet most the time. He’s starting to have delusions and obsess about our neighbors one minute then he thinks we’re staying in a hotel the next. My big issue is when I visited the memory care facility, the people there didn’t look like he does. Is that just because I bathe, shave and dress him every day? I’m constantly stressed and exhausted taking care of me and him and I’m missing out on so much of life. I feel selfish and am concerned My priorities are messed up that it should be him and not me. I’d really appreciate any insight any of you can provide.

M1

You are just as important as he is, period. I know what this is like, my partner has been in memory care for over two years, and it is not an easy road. But: you need your job and income, much less the mental benefits it gives you to still work and interact with other non-demented adults.

There is a lot of turnover in MC facilities. I would bet my bottom dollar that there are plenty of other residents similar to your DH—you are just reacting to the shock of the first-time visit. Don't let that deter you.

Dio

Echo everything M1 cited. I think it may help if you visit more facilities. Each one is different. I toured at least a dozen within a 50 mile radius. Some were downright dismal while others seemed like a glossy spa cover, which by the way was a turnoff cuz it seemed like the posh reception area was created for decision-makers and not the residents. I would prefer the facility spent money on the actual training of staff and care of residents rather than aroma misters and huge fresh floral arrangements in the reception area. But then again, that's just me. Anyhow, I opted for a locally owned facility that's not constrained by "corporate big brother" and based on the owner's reason/philosophy for starting the memory care in the first place. The initial sense when I walked in was that it felt like a home. There was an array of residents in varying stages of their journey. Even some of the ones in wheelchairs were in the activities room where they were spectators rather than participants. The disabled were not neglected. It seemed staff made sure those who could be a part of activities brought them to the activities area. And the most important aspect, other than the place smelled fresh/clean (not industrial strength chemicals), was that the interactions between staff and residents were quite harmonious and lively, just like family. Everyone seemed…happy. The joy was palpable. DH has been there over a year now and seems happy and I get regular updates from the facility. When DH went through a rough patch of extreme aggression and combativeness, it was the facility's owner/administrator who talked the neurologist into changing the meds. And now DH seems almost back to normal. I don't think his "recovery" would have happened if he wasn't placed. I know I made the right decision. You will, too.

Laurie1282

I am going through this decision-making right now. After visiting several facilities, I decided on the one I want my husband with Alz (stage 5-6) to go to when the time comes. BUT when is the right time?? He is not incontinent yet, which is what I've always thought would be my tipping point. Now I can see the benefit of placement for social stimulation alone. At home he sits and watches TV and naps most of the day, but the 2 days a week he goes to adult daycare, he comes home much more animated and happier. It makes me think that if he were in memory care he could have this stimulation every day. But is that reason enough to place him? I am still doing OK taking care of him with the help of my son who moved in to help me, but how long can I "hijack" my son's life in order to keep DH at home. Wish I had a crystal ball, but I'm sure with prayers and an open heart, I will know when it is time.

fmb

@Laurie1282

I think you have answered your own question. Your husband responds well to the type of social stimulation that he would have in MC. You and you son have put your lives on hold to be full time caregivers in the home. Even that you are recognizing the need for MC in the future means the time for placement is coming very soon. You don't want to wait until a crisis means a scramble for immediate placement, especially if your chosen facility has a waiting list. It is a very personal decision, and one that needs to be made with consideration of the best interests of all three of you. The welfare of the caregivers is just as important as that of the PWD.

Laurie1282

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214919#Comment_214919

I think I have known the answer to my question too. Thank you @fmb