Post from new caregivers group- please respond to poster

Jeanne C.

@Penny Hansen

Penny posted the following on the new caregivers group. Please tag her when you reply.

My DH has recently moved to an increased level of memory loss. He does not recognize me or our home. He has a lot of questions, and I am unsure how to respond. Some of the articles I read encourage the caregiver to meet them where they are and enter their world, however, at this point I have been giving my DH true answers to his questions. It does not seem right to tell him I am only a caregiver and that he is in a care home. Does anyone have any feedback?

Jeanne C.

@Penny Hansen

This is always challenging. And, frankly it hurts when your partner doesn't recognize you. As much as it hurts, I think it's best to go along with their belief. You can remind him that you're his wife, but if he's resistant to that idea, going along with his belief will cause him the least anxiety. In any given day my husband refers to me as his wife, nurse, teacher, and mom. But, at least for now, he knows I'm his person and he feels safe.

SusanB-dil

@Penny Hansen hi Penny. Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Yes, it is upsetting when our LO no longer recognizes us. With my mom and MIL we need to just go with the flow. Whatever is less agitating to them is best. (Even when it hurts)

My mom thinks I am her sister. With the family resemblance, she figures I'm her younger sister. Her: 'Hi T, how are you?' Me: 'ok, are you having a good day?'

MIL doesn't know how I belong in the picture. One evening, I was reminding her to take meds. She absolutely SCREAMED at me that I could NOT tell her that. Could NOT...! 'you're not her!' Aha!! We now know that she knows I am not my DH late wife who passed in 2000. We married in 2004, so it is before any current memory she has. I have to be very careful around her, now, as 'just somebody who gets groceries', no longer DIL.

She can be rather rude to me,. My mom is nicer to me now. Go figure!

Again, just go with what works - to keep our LO calm and feeling safe. And yeah, sometimes that's hard!

Rule #1: don't argue with a PWD. Rule #1: take care of yourself. Rule #2: see Rule #1, both of them

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69789/post-from-new-caregivers-group-please-respond-to-poster

@Penny Hansen Penny, this is so hard. My husband is in Memory Care. My daughter has been taking me because I was undergoing cancer treatment. My DH thinks my daughter is me. I now introduce myself when we first go in. It's me honey, your wife, Diane. And my daughter stays out of his line of sight a few minutes. We visited on his birthday June 13th. As I left, I kissed him on the head and said "Happy Birthday honey I love you." he turned & looked at me and said "Thank you, I love you" I'll take it. He no longer knows where home is but says he wants to go there. I say when the doctors say it's OK. When he talks to my daughter like she's me, we don't correct him. I also ask him if it's OK to hold his hand. That seems to establish some connection. He always says yes. The right thing is whatever causes him the least anxiety. Just tell him you are there to spend time with him and be sure he's OK. So sorry you are going through this. It's heartbreaking.

forbarbara

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69789/post-from-new-caregivers-group-please-respond-to-poster

I still remember the day the hospice social worker said “you can stop being the truth-teller now”. What a burden that lifted. Nearly two years later, MIL doesn’t know who I am but she knows she loves me and trusts me. I’ll take that as long as it lasts.

DTSbuddy

@Penny Hansen When they say 'enter their world' what that means to my DH is reminiscing about family, looking at their pictures and talking about things we did, and things he did. It means admiring airplane contrails, which for some reason fascinate him, and telling him the bed he just took a half hour to make looks wonderful. It means playing travelogues and symphonies instead of movies that now scare him. It means telling him, when he asks, that I'm his wife who loves him. And it means smiling, even when I don't feel like it.