My DH wants my undivided attention

mathreader

Please give me your advice here. My DH wants my undivided attention. He can be doing nothing, but if I get on the phone to talk to a friend he always seems to “need” my help. And many times he says that me being on the phone is just when he thought we were spending time together. The truth is we are retired and spend most of our days with just each other. If I am going out for an hour, he needs me to do one last thing before I go. He doesn’t like company anymore, and I think it’s because he will have to share my attention. Having my daughter and her family over seems to panic him as if it’s a huge imposition. He doesn’t understand why we have to have company.
I need someone to talk to besides him! I’m just not used to this constant dependence on me. I don’t know how to handle this trapped feeling where I can’t even talk to a friend for 1/2 hour without him acting put out in front of me or where I feel stressed about having someone over.

Does this happen to you? How do you handle it?

M1

This is called shadowing, mathreader, and it's very difficult. For your own sanity you need someone to spell you so that you have some time away from it. Be it in home help, a day program, or memory care, it will have to happen, and it's very hard. But it's not selfish, you will need it to survive.

Denise1847

Hi Mathreader,

Yes, the shadowing is very difficult, and one feels trapped. You are not selfish. We are need alone time, socialization and intellectual stimulation. You must look out for yourself to survive this dreaded disease. When I first started on this site. I stated that I feel like a caged bird, and, frankly, I still do. I want to scream everyday for my freedom and peace.

buffanti

Hi there, I am new to this site. I don't have any answers but I can't tell you how much it means to me to not be alone in my feelings. I can relate to you 100 percent. Sometimes actually a lot of times I feel I am living in the twilight zone. I never heard of shadowing and I will look it up. It's so hard when you do give up so much to care for someone only to have them yell at you. You try not to take it personally but if you don't get time with your friends and family by yourself you will lose perspective. I realize our spouse needs us but we must carve out time for a normal interaction with others so resentment doesn't take over. Hard to have compassion when we feel resentment then feel guilty that we feel this way. It is so challenging to find a balance. God bless

harshedbuzz

@mathreader

You have my sympathies. Your DH sounds very like my dad. Dad didn’t present with the classic physical shadowing where he was always at mom’s heels. He was too lazy for that. Instead, he wanted her sitting with him unless she was actively getting him something— a snack, a drink, a blanket, the remote, … Mom’s a bit hyperactive by nature and found this soul-sucking and agitating. If she escaped to take a call or if I dropped by, he would act out much like a bossy toddler.

IMO, the most critical thing you can do as a caregiver is to put your own oxygen mask on first. For you, that means a break but you mustn’t call it that around him. A day program would be great if you can manage it. Dad was not the type, so it meant bringing in aides once he could no longer be alone. Mom didn’t tell him she was going out for a break from him, she invented some errand or appointment he wouldn’t or couldn’t attend and head out. When we brought aides in, we never said they were caregivers to him, instead they were cleaners to help mom or aides ordered by her doctor after a surgery. The best fit aide for him was a pretty younger woman who looked a bit like a younger version of mom. He got to a point where he’d engage with her but still didn’t accept actual care.

Mom’s physical health was much worse than dad’s, so I wasn’t going to put her needs on ice awaiting his demise. I visited several times a week. I made it a point to visit with him first and always brought him some sort of treat. He could tolerate about 10 minutes of a visit and then mom and I would take the conversation elsewhere. He’d fuss and ask for things which I would bring to him giving her a break. Sometimes she’d catch a short nap. He’d ask why mom didn’t bring it to him and I’d say she was in the bathroom. Rinse and repeat. We also celebrated holidays. He didn’t like this at all, but he could retreat to his room and mom deserved a little celebration. He’d be really awkwardly unpleasant to try to make us go away. We’re all adults and capable of understanding of the situation so it worked for us.

HB

mathreader

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215179#Comment_215179

wow. Thank you for understanding me. It’s helpful to know someone else gets it.

mathreader

Caged bird is a great description of my feelings much of the time. Thank you.

Care4Hubs

My DH gets his feelings hurt if I want to do something by myself. I, like you, want time to myself. I can’t handle the insecurity. He was never one to initiate anything, though. But I get tired of doing it all —driving, keeping schedules, bills, cooking, laundry, and being the social director…

LindaLouise

My DH is the same - he is now in memory care due to aggression and agitation, and the last video call we had with his Dr. lit a fuse in him because I talked to the doctor and wouldn't give him 100% full attention. This was a geri psych that we finally were able to speak with virtually - way too hard to get him into a doctor's office - and he had a lot of excellent advice and help. However, my DH was so angry that I took my eyes off him and spoke with the doctor. I had been second guessing myself in placing him and was feeling so very sad the day before this happened. This reminded me of how angry he can get when he doesn't get my full attention. For the last 6 weeks, I've alternated between extreme sadness and missing him, and relief that I can actually have a conversation on the phone or even in person. I feel like I have PTSD after years of dealing with this. But, the relief almost immediately gives way to the grief. There really is no easy way out of this -

mathreader

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215250#Comment_215250

Yes, I have always done some of those things - cooking, laundry, social director, etc. - but he was always the driver, home repairman, bills payer, outdoor maintenance guy, etc. Now I am in charge of it all. That's why we are currently renting a home - I can call someone to do home repairs, we have a lawn service. I drive everywhere, I pay bills, I do most everything else. It's exhausting. But the hardest part is his need for my undivided, constant attention. I relish the days he sleeps late and I can drink a couple of cups of coffee. And if he goes to bed early I can enjoy some alone time - maybe phone time with friends. I came to the conclusion last night that I have to understand I am truly a caretaker now. Hard to believe after 50 years of partnership. I will make it. Just hard to believe.

Pdxnewbie

I am in a similar situation with my wife. I will sit down to make phone calls and pay bills, etc. and she sits down at the table with me. I explain what I am doing and she gets annoyed and usually walks off. At first I felt guilty but now it has just become part of dealing with the disease.

Iris L.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215250#Comment_215250

PWDs lose the ability to initiate anything, it's part of the disease.

Iris

mathreader

Insecurity is a good way to put it. I am not used to it yet