Need suggestions!

DjetteAM

Hello out there. We are moving my LO into memory care in the next couple of weeks, but not sure how to go about telling her without a complete meltdown. Looking for suggestions/ideas/success stories. I intend to make up a little white lie in order to have it make sense to her as to why she would have to move out of her home, but I’m struggling for ideas. I appreciate any feedback! Thanks!

SusanB-dil

Hi DjetteAM - basically, you don't tell her. Sorry you are having to deal with that.

What most have done is to set up the room prior to her getting there. When she gets there, you say it is temporary while the house is being worked on, such as 'broken pipes' often works. Some say that it is for her rehab or physical therapy that the doctor has deemed necessary 'for now'.

terei

I would take her to go ‘to lunch’. I would not give her any prior warning at all. Take her to the facility, have lunch there + then escort her to her new room. I would say ‘the doctor’ says you should stay at this high end rehab place until she ‘is feeling better’ repeat repeat repeat.

If that wears thin + she is agitating to leave, I would then invent a problem at her former home, a leak, broken air conditioning, whatever + you are working on getting it repaired but materials + parts are on back order.

If you can get her room set up before she is there, that is good, but you can have the bare minimum there + move stuff in after she is checked in. The facility will recommend how often they suggest you visit in the beginning.

Many times, visits trigger acting out, even though she may be doing very well when you are not there. Make sure she is being escorted to EVERY activity…no staying in her room all day.

three4rd

Djette - I feel for you since I'm right there too. So I take it you've already secured a facility and room and that your LO knows nothing about it, right? I just feel that arbitrarily forcing a move on someone (which is essentially what's happening even if a 'white lie' is employed) is a bit harsh, but not sure what is the best alternative, if there even is one. You're come to a great place though for advice.

Phoenix1966

One of the things that caregivers can have trouble with is the eventual lying to their PWD. We call it therapeutic fibs, etc. to make it easier for us to get over this hurdle. It can be very hard to make the mental switch from daughter, son, husband, wife and so on to caregiver. But our relationships have fundamentally changed forever, barring some miracle cure that hasn’t been discovered yet. And now we have full responsibility for their care and well-being because they cannot manage things any longer.

This disease forces caregivers into heartbreaking positions of authority over their LOs for their own good. Depending where the LO is in their dementia journey, they may still sound put together, but their brains have been damaged. It can actually be cruel to put them in positions where they have to make any serious decisions, because that is beyond their abilities.

As @terei and @SusanB-dil suggested, the less you “prepare” her, the less she will probably be agitated. And, just like the decision to place her in MC is a loving one, so is doing whatever it takes to make her transition as smooth as possible.

DTSbuddy

I do not tell my stage 5 or 6 DO ahead of time about any outings I plan, except just as we are heading out, because he gets agitated. He seems to think that he needs to prepare, or direct, or handle arrangements. If someone else tips him off, then he 'checks' doors, often unlocking them them), changes clothes, looks for unknown items, over and over, and we sometimes never get out the door. However, I gave him no advance notice that we were going on a vacation for a few days recently. He came with no argument. Helping carry the overnight bags to the car did not seem to tip him off. He thought we were going on 'errands' which he usually likes. He enjoyed himself and so did I. Good luck.

harshedbuzz

As someone who has actually done this, my suggestion is to create a palatable narrative to be sprung on your LO the day of. IMO it would be far harsher to engage a PWD in a discussion about something over which they have no control.

By the time a PWD requires a MCF level of care, it's typical of some degree of anosognosia to be in play. The inability to recognize the degree to which they are impaired is beyond them. Reasoning isn't an option because they will have long since lost the executive function and higher order logic to follow and argument. And even if they could follow and agree to the move, their impaired short-term memory would erase the discussion.

We told dad he was going to see a new doctor for a vague second opinion. He hated his neurologist for taking away his license and Chardonnay and saying he was "crazy". He was always willing to see doctors, so that was the fiblet. We arrived by arrangement at snack/matinee time and the social director whisked him away and introduced him to two of the more outgoing residents and shooed us away to do paperwork. Dad believed the male DON was a doctor, so we told him his new doctor wanted him in this new rehab to get stronger. This allowed us to defer to "the doctor" as determining when he could come home.

HB

forbarbara

lots of good advice here. When MIL went to MC, the facility sent someone to visit her at our house first. Does the MC you’re using do this? MIL was in hospice at the time so she just thought it was another hospice nurse.
Hospice advised me not to tell MIL that she was going to MC - just to take her. But the MC nurse told me after the visit that he thought MIL should be told. He said “she’s ready to hear this”. I don’t know how he knew, but he was right. After a day or two of upset, MIL was okay with the decision and was really brave when the time came, even though it meant leaving her beloved dog behind.

Every single PWD is different and I hope you find the path that works best for you and your LO. good luck.

H1235

If you do decide to tell your LO I would consider not giving them much notice. Weeks of worrying about the move and what needs to be done would just not be good in my opinion. I hope everything goes well.

forbarbara

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215661#Comment_215661

agreed. We had 3 days.

GothicGremlin

Lots of good advice here. I have nothing really new to add except for how it worked out in our case.

When I moved my sister into memory care, we gave her no notice. I rounded up one of her best friends and the two of them went through scrapbooks to keep her occupied while me, my s.o., and my sister's best friend prepared her room. We even had all of photos placed on the walls before we moved her in.

She was mightily unhappy when we moved her in. There were a couple of meltdowns, but it was mostly because she was afraid: afraid of being in memory care itself (she thought she was being punished) and afraid we'd abandon her. We all made it a top priority to ensure that she knew we cared, and that we would never abandon her.

After a few weeks she admitted to me that she should have moved there sooner.

sandwichone123

I talked with my spouse in general terms and let him know that I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. I told him we were going to need to find a care situation, but I didn't say, "today's the day," or let him know where we were heading. He was pretty upset when he realized, and it took a couple of weeks before he forgot.