What to do with Dad

lflook

My parents (Mom is 85, Dad is 82) moved into an independent living apartment (after living in their home for about 53 years) about a year ago after Mom's mixed dementia became too much for Dad to handle. Mom had a stroke 5 years ago and Dad has relied on me to do all appointments, medical decisions, etc). I help as much as I can, but work full time as a teacher and have 2 kids. I have a brother, but he does not help with anything. Dad has some health issues which have become worse over the last year so I (POA for Mom) made the difficult decision to move her to the memory care unit within that same facility. Dad has since moved to an assisted living unit across the hall from Mom. The move has been tough on Mom especially since there is some decline. My issue isn't her as we are doing our best to help her in her journey. It is my dad. Since she moved, he will only go see her 2 times a day for maybe 15 minutes each time. She misses him and tries to "escape" to go find him throughout the day which creates havok for staff and everyone. Though I am POA, the staff usually calls my dad because he is right there and can assist. But he will call me and complain that we "have to do something about Mom". He has done no research regarding dementia, refuses to help in her care, speaks condescendingly to her (belittles, makes fun of), and gets very upset when his time is taken up with her needs. He has never been a patient man and the way he treats Mom is deplorable but he continues to be her "person". She needs him for any decisions, issues, needs, thoughts, etc. He is also starting with some memory issues and I have since taken over their financials which was very difficult for him to let go of. He still drives, though we have been trying to get him to understand that he is not safe any longer. So we know that aging isn't easy for him. We very much enjoy visits with Mom. We never have a problem with her aside from just seeing her fight this disease. We struggle with seeing my dad because all he does is complain about Mom and how she is doing all of this to make him angry. We've tried giving simple suggestions and places for support, as we understand this isn't easy for him. But it isn't easy for Mom struggling with this disease and now being separated from her husband of 55 years. My long winded question (sorry) is…. How do we help Dad understand that this is a disease and she is not doing any of this on purpose. He needs to be calm and gentler with her. Watching Mom go through this horrid disease is so tough…but we think Dad is making it worse :(. How do we help him when all of our attempts to help have failed????

Quilting brings calm

I’m afraid you can’t. Especially at his age and since he is having memory issues of his own. Given your description, the shorter time he spends with her, the better. I would ask the staff if his NOT visiting her at all for a week would actually help, rather than hurt. She might move on and adjust after a few days.

I think you’ve done a very good job in getting them into the right situations. I suggest though that you begin planning for a plan B - because he might need memory care at some point. Do you need him in the same facility for financial reasons ( second person discount)? Or will them being in the same unit allow him to continue to treat her as he does now?

SusanB-dil

Hi lflook - welcome to 'here' but sorry for the reason.

I'd have to agree with Qbc - It might be best if he doesn't visit for a week or so. It doesn't sound like your dad 'gets it' and would not be open to treating mom any different than what he is doing. Perhaps he isn't able to see he is doing this?

concerned_sister

…"He has never been a patient man and the way he treats Mom is deplorable… ". Perhaps he is just who he is, although your mom's needs have changed. Perhaps if he's heading down the same road with his memory loss, it's possible he's losing his filters. I'm sorry he can't be who you and your mom would like him to be. The phrase that pops in to my mind is "accept the things we can not change".

harshedbuzz

@lflook Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found your way to the site.

This is very sad and probably not “fixable” in any real sense. If impatience, lack of empathy and understanding were always features of dad’s personality, you’re unlikely to succeed in making headway around improving his behavior. If you factor in a cognitive shift of his own, those traits will likely become more obvious and entrenched as his social filter erodes.

IMO, staff calling on dad to settle mom is unprofessional and a little lazy. And maybe a little mean if they know he resents it and is unkind as a result. What do they do when other residents are upset? If he opted to place her, it may be because he expects them to handle this for him. PWD can be exhausting to caregivers and maybe dad has no more to give at this point. I have an extended family member who elected to move out to a different AL because she specifically didn’t want to care for her husband or spend hours a day with him. This upset her children greatly, but mom felt her time was limited and she didn’t want to spend it as a caregiver.

TBH, were she in MC and he was still living at home, he might visit her for an hour or so every couple of days. If you read the spousal board, there are many caregiver spouses who only visit their LO in MC once or twice a week. My own mom went about 3 times a week for maybe an hour. Half an hour daily plus being on-call to deal with mom when she’s upset is not an insignificant amount of time.

HB

lflook

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215334#Comment_215334

I agree with what you said about maybe losing his filters. But I am not sure what you mean by "he can't be who you and your mom would like him to be". If I implied that I'm trying to change him, I am not. I just need help in figuring out what is best for my mom and him really. Right now, I don't think Dad is helping. I am in no way trying to change him. This made me really sad :(

lflook

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215353#Comment_215353

Thank you. I do wonder about the facility and their methods of handling Mom. I know this is all exhausting to all of us and I do believe my dad is just had enough. Maybe that's what I need to address…

lflook

Thank you for your thoughts. They have given me things to consider. I have thought of having Dad stay away for a week or so, but I'm not sure how Mom will respond since she always escapes to find him…but maybe after a couple of days it will become her new normal? Maybe he can visit on the weekends or something like that…

Quilting brings calm

I think we thought you wanted to change him because of this question you put in your original post:

“ My long winded question (sorry) is…. How do we help Dad understand that this is a disease and she is not doing any of this on purpose. He needs to be calm and gentler with her. Watching Mom go through this horrid disease is so tough…but we think Dad is making it worse :(. How do we help him when all of our attempts to help have failed????”

We all totally agree that your Dad is not being helpful. We just think that his being helpful isn’t possible at his age, temperament and his own health issues. That’s why our suggestions are to minimize their contact I also agree with HB that if he wasn’t in the same building, he wouldn’t be visiting her any more than he currently is. There are some people here who visit their spouse daily, but most are going twice a week or less because that’s all they can handle for various reasons. Especially if they are in their 80s.

H1235

I would insist the staff not bring problems with your mom to your dad. If she is upset it is their job to calm her. He is a resident not staff and should be treated that way. Would it help to have staff tell your mom that your dad is tired and resting. If her memory is bad she may also not have a grasp of how much time has truly passed between visits. This excuse that he is resting could just be repeated over and over as needed. I also wonder that even if he went to see her daily if she would still be frustrated and seeking him out. Hearing the same stories repeated over and over can get frustrating for anyone and how to respond to strange off the wall comments can be difficult to navigate for anyone. For an elderly person maybe even more difficult . Like others here I think it might just be too much for your dad to truly understand all the ways dementia is effecting her and learn how to interact appropriately. I wish you luck. This is a difficult situation.

M1

Hard to think you may need to separate them, but I think that is the right advice. The staff can easily fall into a pattern of involving your father when they shouldn't. This happens with behaviorally difficult residents: it's happened to us, in that my partner is so uncooperative with staff that they look to me to do a lot of what should really be their job. I do so, many times, to avoid arguments and neglect that would be to her detriment. But once the pattern is established it's very hard to break. Like today: I can't be there to feed her lunch because someone is coming to the farm to repair a phone line. So she probably won't get fed. I'll let them know, but it won't accomplish much.

I would leave specific instructions to not have your dad visit at all for a week or so and see how she does, how they both do. then perhaps the only times for him to visit her should be when you are also present. He may be a trigger for her to resume elopement behavior.