In home care dilemma

orth

a few months ago my DW was having hallucinations and confused about who I was. We now have her on meds to help. There has been major improvement in the hallucinations and confusion. Her memory is not good and doesn’t even remember going to the Dr yesterday. Because of the tough times in the last few months our sons intervened and set up in home care for her three days per week 5 hours per day so I can leave and have some time to myself. I tell her that I am going to rehab. Now that she is doing much better with the difficult situations, I feel that I would be better off staying with her and not having so much assistance since I know times will just get more difficult. She fights the idea if in home care every day. It is almost more difficult to go through this than just stay home. I just would need to convince my sons to let go and let me take care of her while things are good. I am just confused.

Jeanne C.

I know it feels like you can/should be with her all the time. You really can't. I would accept the help and use that time to run the errands that would be easier alone, connect with family or friends, or just do something for yourself. Caring for a spouse with dementia will wear you out so you have to take care of yourself. The breaks aren't just for you. They also help recharge you so you can be a better caregiver for your wife. I'm so glad to hear that medication is helping your wife. And I'm so glad your sons are looking out for you. 15 hours of home health care still leaves you with 153 hours of care you're managing each week. Please accept and use the help.

mrahope

Just sharing something that made me think about this situation a little bit differently. My DH is now in MC, after refusing to allow any caregivers in our home other than me. As my DDIL and I were looking at/visiting facilities we were quoted a price (more than DH's monthly pension and SS) and DDIL looked at me and said, "See, this is how much the work you're doing is worth". Put a whole different spin on it. It's as if you had an extra full time job. Even if it seems like a hassle, you must have some respite in order to continue. It will be better for your DW, also.

ImMaggieMae

If you are happy with the caregivers your sons hired, I would keep them. We’ve had a caregiver for over a year and a half who we hired through an agency who is here 3 days per week for 4 hours each time. When we hired her we sat around and chatted with her and my husband most of the first session so I think my DH thinks of her more like a family friend than a caregiver. I am usually upstairs paying bills or sometimes making phone calls. I also use this time for shopping and errands and any of my own medical appointments. I definitely need the breaks. I pretty much spend all of my time with my DH, every day from the time gets up til the time he goes to bed. He has to be watched all the time now. Sometimes you just need to get your brain in a different place.

I’m glad to hear you have medications to deal with some of her symptoms. For us, this was a huge thing.

Crkddy

Agree with others - they have given you sound advice. Caregiver assistance is just that - assistance for the caregiver. You owe it to both of you to take advantage. Myself, I waited much too long before I sought assistance because I thought I was handling everything fine. The truth was different - I was lying to myself. You will do much better at caring for you DW if you take care of yourself - whatever that looks like for you. Sounds cliche but it is true.

orth

thank you for the thoughts and suggestions. I realize that i must start being honest with myself. I am so grateful for this on-line forum. I tried to get into one live, but my caregiver is not available at those times.