When Will I Learn?

NUMber2

My brother is awful! He agreed with the AL facility to put my LO into MC before giving her ample time to emotionally and cognitively transition from home to institutionalize care. (3.5 WEEKS) JUST TOOO QUICKLY

Assistance depends upon the amount of staff a facility has. More staff equates to more assistance. Less staff, less time less assistance. Putting a resident into MC does not mean more assistance. It means our LOs are no longer bothering overworked AL staff.

My LO needs help. But a locked facility is NOT what she needs. Her soul is dying. She's able to articulate her feelings. She forgets, she gets confused but she's also filled with despair because my brother put her in there over a month ago. Her friends are shocked and saddened.

I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I'm so frigging tired!!!

I've done a million things to support my LO. I've also spent an enormous amount time and money to support her. Majority of this continued support has taken place 1000 miles away.

Since we brought her back to SC, I've supported my brother too. He thought she had a UTI, I arranged the appointment. I corresponded with care, with the doctors etc… He met a stranger that he thought might bring our LO peace, and he asked me to interview her.

I've NEVER stopped supporting my family.

Tonight I told him that she does not belong in MC , which he now agrees with. So we have 3 options.

1. Bring her home with 24 hour care (which he refuses to manage)

2. TRY another AL facility down there that MIGHT have more time to support our LO.

3. Or bring her back to WI and call it quits.

He said he agrees moving her out of the current MC facility is the right thing to do.

He agrees trying someplace else is worth it but we know that the outcome will most likely be the same. (saddness and despair) Ive asked him to visit the facility at least once but he refuses.

He thinks moving her back home with only 1 caregiver 24/7 could be problematic.

But if I choose to bring her back to WI, I'm on my own. He literally said that tonight, you're on your own if she moves back.

NO SUPPORT from him after all I've done. I hate him!!!

M1

What would you have him do? Multiple sources have told you that she needs MC level of support, but you haven't wanted to accept that. I'm not trying to say "I told you so" in any pedantic sense, but many of your forum mates here have seen this coming. And I'm sorry you are suffering such anguish. Others here have said that acceptance makes all the difference in their struggles.

It is so difficult and painful to accept that your loved one is succumbing to a fatal, irreversible disease. Both her soul and her body are dying, and there is nothing to be done about it except to try to meet her needs as best you can.

It seems to me that you will feel best about it if you can manage her day to day care. You have gone to the ends of the earth for her, that's for sure. She is more than lucky to have you in her corner. I would suggest that you find a MC facility near your home. It won't be perfect. The fact that its not SC will matter less over time. Not to be Pollyanna about it, but it's fortunate she can afford this option.

I sincerely wish you peace of mind.

Emily 123

It feels like you're still coming to terms with understanding and accepting the disease and how it's affecting your mom, and perhaps MC feels like a step you're not ready to take.

If I recall correctly from a post, you were pushed to your limits keeping up with the day-to-day care requirements for your mom when she was with you in WI. She was in an AL equivalent then.

I would extend grace and understanding to your brother. You've said from the begining that he's been clear he isn't able to handle day-to-day caregiving. Good for him for recognizing that and wanting to provide good alternatives. Caregiving is tough.

(Takes a deep breath)

Your mom will always yearn to feel whole. Anyone would.

You cannot change how the disease is affecting her.

Decisions need to be made to keep her safe, contentment is a bonus.

As multiple posters have said, she doesn't get to drive the decision bus, since her brain can't perform 'contrast and compare' anymore. It's a bit unfair to expect her to do so when she can probably hang on to only one thought at a time.

Like your brother, you have to accept that the decisions you make for her care may not make her happy, as she can no longer use reasoning or recall recent events.

An inability for her to be 'happy' or understand her situation is not a reflection on you as a daughter, on your decision making process, or of her love for you, or your love of her.

I hope that you can find peace for your family.

mabelgirl

I’m so sorry you are having such a difficult time. One thing I read and seems to me that maybe you’re looking for someone to blame for your moms current state, is where you said she’s filled with despair because your brother put her there. Please don’t let this disease fool you. Your mother is in despair because (I believe) of the condition of her brain. My mom is the same and many times I’ve heard her say things like I never did this in VA , when I know darn well the same thing was happening there. I can’t imagine trying to figure out the world around me when details keep slipping away within seconds. The other thing I think of when it comes to my mom is that she really is no longer an 84 yo women, but a 5-8 yr girl stuck in an 84 yo body. Image how frustrating that is.
I pray you find peace .

psg712

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. Anger is a part of grief. It's evident that you are grieving the loss of the mom you knew as she slides deeper into dementia.

Please don't take any of our comments as unfeeling. We each have been through our own series of wrenching decisions for our loved ones and still experience the grief too.

If the AL says she needs memory care, she probably does. You are correct that more staff = more help for your mom. BUT a move to MC doesn’t simply mean that she's not "bothering overworked AL staff." Most AL facilities are not designed or staffed to manage residents who need a lot of help with bathing, dressing, feeding, reorienting, keeping safe from wandering, misusing objects, other safety needs. That's what an MC does. Plus MC activities are normally planned for the needs of PWD. AL activities assume some level of self-sufficiency to understand instructions, interact socially with others, find the way to the activity independently...you get the idea.

You listed the options that you are considering for your mom. Number one is bringing her home with 24 hour care. If she needs 24 hour supervision to be safe, she probably needs memory care. If you're not satisfied with the MC she is in, of course you can check into others. Perhaps in WI where you can be closely involved and really get to know the staff and management. She will come to a point where she neither knows nor cares which state she lives in. She will, however, benefit from your love and attention wherever she lives.