Approaches and ways of handling Memory Care upsets with Dad

jen ht

Hi Community,

I value your experiences and your input. My learning curve on these issues is pretty steep here. A few updates and then some new questions for you.

Dad's transition to a 2nd memory care (b/c it is in the same state where I live) continues to be challenging.

I now have the Alexa, so at least that has paused the scathing messages about me being the only one who can get him out of there. I also stayed away for a week and a half to allow him to establish routines and relationships in his new home.

I teach high school, so I am trying to take care of what I can prior to school starting again in 3 or 4 weeks here. Maybe due to my teacher training around suicide awareness and prevention, I am particularly sensitive when I someone expresses their distress. Sometimes it is hard for me to know when it's the Alzheimer's talking and when it's really what my Dad is needing help with.

It seems that the approach is to ignore his upset messages and statements. Again probably due to teacher trainings, I have a hard time believing this is truly best practice.  I also have a hard time with the staff telling Dad repeatedly "Jen is the only one who can get you out of here". Ugh. Also surely can't be best practice. I could brainstorm a list of other redirect statements to offer maybe? To get him on a new line of thinking that is more pleasant… like his dog or previous experiences like vacations, older memories seem to be soothing for him or farming stories (his 1st line of work 30ish years ago), etc.

Anyway, I appreciate your input so much. I do have a care plan meeting set up for tomorrow, so I am hopeful we can come to consensus about extra layers of help and support for Dad. We also have an upcoming neurology appointment.

The nurse practicioner is in touch with me about anxiety meds. There is a psych consult appointment requested (it takes time, though). The NP was concerned about his stress/anxiety. I know transitions are hard. Surely she does too. But when she called me asking me what works, I'll have to say it felt a little like handing me a bag of concrete in an already heavy time. Of course I am glad that she wants to communicate with me and include me. We are both very new to this, though, as Dad's 1st move in at his other MC was in mid May.

He is still physically active (was mowing, mulching, etc.) so I know he needs more activities that are appropriate for him. I had originally thought that I could provide some of this for him by taking him out for meals or over to our home, etc. He is so mad at me for not getting him out of there (as he says), I'm concerned that I won't be able to get him to go back or that being in the car might not be safe for him (either of us, actually).

• What should I ask for in the care plan meeting?

I'm thinking of:

*some activities and options that are more active for him.

*New redirect statements and questions for when he asks about when he can leave.

*just in general more support for his distress (other than ignoring)

• Any tips about the upcoming neuro intake appt?

*I do have his records from his neurologist where he used to live when he was getting infusions of Aduhelm (this med being discontinued now by the manufacturer).

*Thinking he might help with agitation meds and approaches, etc.

Thanks all. So very much. I am reading, reading, reading your previous posts and replies and learning bunches.