Seeing the worst in me

bewagner

I’m new to ALZConnect. but have cared for my wife over the last five years as she has suffered with mild cognitive impairment. The formal Alzheimer’s diagnosis came 12/ 2024 and she is declining more rapidly.

My DW has always been controlling, and recently started accusing me of steamrolling decisions without her consent. In fact, we typically have many discussions. I get that she just doesn’t remember them but just don’t know how to diffuse her anger or accusations that I exploit her Alzheimer’s to make unilateral decisions.

Any best ways to handle this?

ButterflyWings

Don't ask, don't tell. Alz has taken her independence and judgement away, not you. As my DH's neuropsych said on diagnosis "you are in charge now". You are discussing things that her brain can no longer process properly and that is causing the anger and accusations, etc. This is classic PWD behavior. No fault of her own, but you must stop pouring fuel on the fire by engaging someone whose reasoner is broken, in things that lead only to more confusion and stress for both.

Sorry, but that's the reality. As we say here, it is not something you are doing TO her, it is what you must do FOR her. And with this disease, what she doesn't know (and doesn't hear from you) won't hurt her. It is the kindest way forward. The only way, really. Much experience, research, and many many families have proven this to be true.

I'm sorry you needed to find this group for fellow travelers, but glad you did. Welcome. You will get the best guidance here that exists anywhere on the planet. Because we have been there, and done that. Or will do so. I know one of the most terrible things is to have to lose the shared decision-making with your spouse, but her dementia stole it. Trying to keep the habit alive, is actually denial in a real sense, because that spouse is no more. The invasion of the brain snatchers took that part away and we just have to accept it and get on with fiblets, keeping things to ourselves, and pretending. For their calm and comfort, and our peace of mind. (((Hugs))). You will get the hang of it. Dang dementia.

Crkddy

ButterflyWings is so right. I am so sorry you are in this situation. I had to learn it too - you cannot have discussions nor reason with DW about what needs to happen. Just use your best judgment and carry on. Try not to create tension and agitation unnecessarily, as you cannot win an argument with dementia.

CindyBum

My DW has been quite the controller her whole life too — oldest of 6, therapist and social worker will do that to you.

I get accusations of not including her in decisions sometimes, even though I have, though she remains mostly sweet about it. I've gotten very practiced at taking the blame for just about everything she forgets. "I'm sorry, baby, I thought we'd talked about that." "I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you. Can we talk about it now?" It was hard at first to have to take the blame for everything, but it really avoids any fighting or having to explain or reason. Reasoning or reminding goes exactly nowhere good.

M1

Welcome to the forum. I agree completely with what's already been said-but would add the corollary point that you should stop reminding her or telling her that she has Alzheimer's or dementia. The majority of people with dementia have anosognosia, which means that they can't perceive their deficits and truly think they're fine. Telling her otherwise will just make her angry and defensive. Of course she thinks she should still be included in decisions, because she doesn't know otherwise. It's a hard lesson, and with a controlling personality can be a real problem. This was an issue for us, as my partner had been a very skilled builder and independent business woman, and was used to making virtually all of the maintenance decisions on our large farm. As she became unable to do so, i had to either go behind her back or just defer a lot of work until after she went to memory care. To this day (now in memory care for over two years and on hospice), if I mention any farm work she'll say, "well I'd like to help you with that. " So of course any such discussions are usually avoided.

dayn2nite2

Stop having discussions with her about anything - you are the responsible person and you must make the decisions alone. You are in a marriage of one. She will still accuse, but learn how to redirect her to other topics and know that you are doing the best you can with the situation you've been given.