Looking for memory facilities-what to look for

Maggie M

I am starting the unbelievable search for a facility for my DH. He is not there yet but I don't want to wait until he is in crisis. Any suggestions? This is breaking my heart and is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To admit I can't take care of him anymore is killing me.

Dio

Hi Maggie, there's been several recent discussions on this particular topic. If you search on "researching facilities" or "questions to ask MCF" or something similar, you may find these discussion threads helpful.

Maggie M

Thank you Dio. I have been reading some of the posts. Boy I have a lot to learn. It is a little overwhelming right now, but has to be done.

fmb

@Maggie M

I understand your heartbreak over thinking that you can no longer take care of your DH. I had to place my DH in AL due to ALZ, congestive heart failure, and the effects of a stroke last year. I simply could not meet his needs in our home. Even though he is in a facility, I am still taking care of him. I may not do the day-to-day physical labor, having delegated that to the ALF and hospice staff, but I am still his caregiver. I am his liaison with the staff in making his needs known, especially as he has progressed and lost most of his language. I am his advocate with the ALF management team, staying on top of issues regarding his care and working with them to solve problems in a constructive way. With his hospice team, I have the final say in medication changes and palliative treatment options and make sure their treatment orders are carried out by the ALF staff. In a way, I am the CEO of DH, Inc. On a more personal level, now that he doesn't really know who I am, I am still that nice lady who comes to visit, calls him Sweetheart, brings tasty treats, fusses over him, holds his hand, and always kisses him good-bye. And that's caregiving, too.

M1

Good for you for taking this step Maggie. It's not a personal failure, and please don't beat yourself up about it. Your other recent posts have made it clear that it was hard. There is life after memory care placement, i promise. It's not an end of love or caregiving, just another transition on this long and difficult journey.

tigersmom

@Maggie M , I am in the same place that you are. DH was diagnosed just over three years ago, and I thought I would have a lot more time with him before I needed to consider this. Since I am his sole caregiver, I decided it couldn’t wait for a crisis. My plan was to keep him at home until incontinence or his not knowing me got the better of me. Neither of those things have happened yet, though we are getting closer to the latter, I think. What I hadn’t planned for was his anger and aggressive speech spiraling out of control. We tried seroquel for a month and it didn’t help much but had lots of side effects, so now we are onto risperidone. Both of those drugs seem to have made him a lot more confused. Today he did not realize that he was sitting inside his own home. But I agree with you it is heartbreaking. It has been the hardest part of the journey so far. In researching facilities, I had more luck with memory care.com than I did with the Alzheimer’s Association site, which wiped out my filters every time I moved to page 2. Not helpful! I am also working with a care consultant who is paid by the facilities. Some of her choices have been better than mine, and some have not. I have seen seven facilities to date, and I think I may be close to a choice. But the closer I get, the more my heart resists. I still don’t want to do this. And I will probably put it off longer than I should.

LindaLouise

I am just ahead of you - never imagined I'd even be considering this so soon, but his EO meant he is physically strong and the aggression that was occurring was not something I ever imagined happening. I have young adult kids with little ones of their own, so I knew that I needed an instant Plan B in case something - anything - happened to me. As I began the process, he grew more agitated and his speech so aggressive, and I ended up placing him about 8 weeks ago. This has been the hardest 8 weeks of my life, and I'm missing him so much, but I know he wasn't safe for himself, me or our kids and grandkids. The grief that has hit, even though I thought I had processed so much already, has been intense and painful as the reality that I am alone has been sinking in. I still spend hours a day with him when he is feeling less aggressive, but there are days when it is minutes because I have become the "bad guy" again. On the good days, we can still hold hands, I can rub his back and we can just be there together. I don't know if the good or bad days are harder for me to deal with as I drive home. Memory care does not end the roller coaster of emotions, but it does remove the fear and anxiety of dealing with aggression, it does allow me to sleep and I believe it has allowed me the space to begin to recover, a little, or at least begin the journey of recovery. Your heart will go into resistance mode, but let your head rule as you have to keep him and you safe. His old self would not want you to deal with the aggression and agitation…

lenbury

Best of luck. My wife was in a memory care facility for 12 days before my son and I agreed to bring her home with the assistance of home health care. Our expectations were that she might improve and create some social friends but the other residents were far beyond her stage. It is hard to judge that sort of thing -- it took me 10 days of visiting to come to that realization. The staff was great but overwhelmed. I acknowledge that not everyone has the option of keeping a loved one at home.

jfkoc

staff training…initial and ongoing!!!!!

White Crane

Hi Maggie, here are some of the questions I asked when visiting memory care facilities: do they accept Medicaid, is the staff specially trained to take care of dementia, patients and do they have ongoing training, do they hand feed if necessary, do they lift if necessary, what is the staff to patient ratio, what is the cost and what is included and not included in the cost, how do they deal with aggressive behavior, what activities do they provide for the residents. I hope this helps. I know how hard this journey is. My husband has been in memory care for six months. Placing him in memory care was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I know it was the right decision. Please be gentle with yourself, and know that you’re not alone. One more thing, I took a trusted friend with me when I looked at memory care facilities, two heads are better than one. Sending hugs. Brenda

jfkoc

oh, and ask to see a contract…you want to know exactly what is covered …and also a copy of the current license…