How to support my Father who is caring for my Step Mom with Alzheimers.

MBJr

Deep breath, and here I go.

My Father turns 67 in 2 weeks.
10 years ago he decided to take early retirement because my step-mom [will call her Mom past this] was starting to show signs of memory loss, the doctors said it was too early to diagnose anything, but he wanted to get as much fun and travelling in while they could because he knew something was wrong.
Fast forward 10 years. My mom has had brain scans showing atrophy of the brain, they have officially called it Alzheimers, and the changes we see in her are significant.

She does allot of laughing/giggling when we all get together, like an uncomfortable laughter someone would have if they don't quite understand what is going on. She is extremely emotional and has large mood swings. Not in a mean way but from total joy to crying when we give her hugs and tell her we love her.

As of last week at her dr appt the dr asked her the names of her siblings and she looked at my dad, the dr said NO YOU need to answer the question. She couldn't. Sadly she also could not remember the names of her sons either. She is only 66.

My dad was a career police officer, and is one of the strongest and kindest people I know. I have a hard time getting him to open up and discuss what he is going through other than the general updates on how she is doing, he doesn't like to burden anyone. My brother and I, and our wives, are trying to come up with a way we can support him and her, but without making him feel uncomfortable. We all live within 5 minutes of each other.

He does his best to do all the cooking/cleaning, basically everything but he is getting older, has bad knees etc.... She also has 2 sons from a prior marriage, one is great, one we do not trust to the point where his own brother moved across country to distance himself from him. My dad has amassed some wealth through investing and we also fear the one brother trying to get his hands on that as well. I have told my dad to make sure he structures everything so they have what they need to take care of themselves, and hire support care for my Mom if she needs it.

So, there is my loaded quick story, wondering from those who have experience:
1. best way to provide support and ask how we can support
2. best way to approach the tough subjects about protecting themselves financially from those who may take advantage of them.

Thank You,

SusanB-dil

Hi MBJr - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

You could help support dad best by making sure he gets respite from taking care of mom. If one of you could stay with her for a little while, and get him out to dinner, or out to something he likes to do, maybe fishing, or museum, perhaps? Between you two, switch off so he gets to spend time with each. Check out adult daycare in your area as well, maybe give dad a break maybe a day or two a week.

Depending on how far along, maybe make sure he gets any help needed of anything she can no longer do, such as hygiene. If not now, then later down-the-road. Also maybe frozen home-made dinners that he can just defrost and throw into the oven to re-heat, or the crock pot.

If dad is aware of what the one brother can do, he could just stay mindful of that. If her name is still on bank accounts or cards, he may have to open another account without her name so she cannot give out any funds, either to the brother or other scammers.

Her mood swings may be able to be stabilized with a proper medication.

They are blessed to have you watching out for them.

H1235

When my mom was diagnosed, one of the first things they did was suggest an elder law attorney. This is important. It is just what you do! I agree with the above, he needs a break here and there. If he is not the family cook, maybe some homemade frozen meals that can just be put in the oven and warmed. Maybe make extra and bring over some leftovers. If you able maybe take her somewhere ( just a drive, for ice cream) so he can have time to himself in his house. I hope there is something here you find useful.