Need advise

Hba14629 · July 18

New to this platform. My mom has been living with me for 5 years. I discovered all the symtoms of memory loss almost two years ago. I have 4 siblings but receive very little help from one and help when needed by the other. Two siblings refuse to have contact with my mom. I am heartbroken bc of this. I don't know where to start or what to do anymore. I started seeing a therapist who suggested this site just yesterday. So I thought I would write a little to see if anyone could give me any advise on what to do to help myself care for my mom. I don't want to feel anger when she tries to argue with me. She is 85 yr old and has always been a sweet positive person. Now she is just argumentative and negative. My dad who lives in another state now shows the same symtoms she has. They are divorced so now I feel like that will also fall on me. Help!!!

SusanB-dil · July 18

Hi Hba14629 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. So sorry you are dealing with 'this'.

First - do you have paperwork in order? DPOA and HIPPA accesses very important. Often, DPOA will include the HIPPA. If you don't, you can check with an elder-care lawyer to get that ASAP.

It is not unusual for the care to fall on one child. Sometimes, others just can't handle it, sometimes there is denial or just don't want to be involved with 'this'. Do look into adult daycare in your area for a day or two or more per week for her - so you can give yourself some respite. You can even check her health insurance to see if it will cover anything (unfortunately, mostly not).

Even if you don't have HIPPA, you can still tell her doctor your concerns. They just wouldn't be able to respond back to you. But there are medications that will help the agitation - without becoming zombie.

Rule #1: Don't argue with a PWD (person with dementia). Rule #1: Take care of yourself as the caregiver. Rule #2: See rule #1, both of them!

Don't argue - learn to use work-arounds and fiblets.

Dad lives in another state - I'm sorry, but long-distance care is hard enough, let alone already working with one person. Hopefully, maybe - one of your other siblings will help dad.

Do check out the 'resources' links - to the right of this page. Very helpful stuff there…

Hba14629 · July 18

Thank you so much. This will help me get started. My name is on her medical and financial papers but I do need to check on the DPOA. I will continue checking other comments to see how I can continue to get advise and see how others deal with dementia parents. I am trying and praying that this will not break us. I feel a little guilty bc I don't want to appear selfish I just don't know if what I am doing is correct. I love the feedback. Thank you so much.

concerned_sister · July 18

Hba, welcome. You may want to click on the link to Groups, and look through the information for new caregivers. There's tons of useful stuff there. Keep reading as many threads as possible.

Once when I expressed doubts here, Iris set me straight. I think of her as a very respected member of this community who's willing to mentor, The response I remember was along the lines of why would you question yourself after reading here for many months I had a PhD in the area of understanding and caring for someone with dementia.

There's a wealth of knowledge and support here. You've come to the right place.

Hba14629 · July 18

Thank you concerned sister. I will take your advise. Just got on here today and learning how to navigate this platform. I am going to join the group now.