Working with aids in memory care

Anonymousjpl123

Hi everyone,

Not urgent, but I am curious: what are all of your relationships like with the aids in memory care? I am a people-pleaser with a tendency to over share: working on this, but it’s pretty entrenched in my personality. I have become overly communicative with the aids, who feel they can share their opinions with me because I invited it. On several occasions they have all asked if I have considered taking my mom home. At one point I actually snapped at one and said “so you really think I have never considered this?” Anyway, yesterday in a moment of weakness of my mom begging to come home I said I would consider it. The aids literally said “I think it’s a good idea - she would be fine.”

Now this morning I have come to my senses. But is this appropriate for them to say? Should I even be talking to them about this? I know we need to communicate about her care etc. And I have been complimentary about them. But what do I do? How do I respond to this? I felt the difference when another aid who knew my mom from AL and now MC saw us at a concert in the building and said “oh no your mom is doing great last night her and her friend were chatting away she is great here.”

why do I care so much about what these people say? What should my relationship be with aids? It’s weird because I visit so much so I see them all the time.

how close are you all to staff at MC? Do you care what they think? I would love any feedback.

M1

It's not appropriate for them to say it, period. It happened only once to us, with a kitchen worker who indirectly was angling for me to hire her as a caregiver if I took her home. She was subsequently fired for other reasons.

I would bring it up with management but not name names, it's something they should address with the employees in a general sense. And you're right, it may reflect on your own behavior with them. You may want to watch your step about expressing your own uncertainties in front of the aides.

I have very good, very close relationships with a number of the aides at our facility, and sometimes they will express work frustrations to me, but I generally shut these conversations down pretty quickly or keep them very generic so that we're not talking about specific residents or other workers. For example, one aide and I frequently discuss the fact that laundry gets lost, and she indicates ongoing frustration with this just like I do. But it doesn't go any further than that.

Anonymousjpl123

@M1 yes I find it such a hard balance. I definitely need to watch my step in how much I share about my uncertainties. Fortunately, last night I realized we can still communicate positively. They know I said it out of frustration, so I think we can leave it at that. I can be way more mindful about talking with them about it moving forward.

I will mention it to the director but casually. Your example helps. I found myself in that same position (when there was massive staff turnover) and was way better able to keep some distance.

I think it’s hard for me to find the balance because like you, I do have some good close relationships with several aids - honestly, including the ones who made the comments. But they are employees there, my mom is a resident, and while it’s critical for me to feel comfortable and like staff know me and my mom (check), I also need to keep some boundaries for everyone involved. So much to navigate. Thanks for your good input.

Quilting brings calm

I would mention it to the director of care ( most likely to be the nurse). He/she is the one most likely to be in direct contact with the aids( and any therapists). At least that is how is at my mom’s AL. I’ve had to have a couple similar discussions. Particularly about one therapist, who oversteps her role and makes recommendations directly to my mom.

Next time the aids tell you this, just reply any of these:

My house is not set up for her.
My neighborhood would be a danger for her if she wanders

I can’t be with her 24/7/365 like the staff can

My health ( or work or sanity whatever you choose) won’t allow it

I’d like to spend time with my grandchildren while they are children

psg712

Definitely the staff should not be sharing opinions with you about your mom's placement. If you have those concerns yourself, you can discuss with a director or social worker.

Yes, I like to get along with the staff too. But occasionally one of them gets a little bossy with me. I think that she feels she knows my mom better than I do, because she literally spends more hours with her. But I have known her all my life! I thank her for her insights, take them into consideration because I do need input from others ... and then I do what I think best for the woman who has loved me since I was born.

Anonymousjpl123

@Quilting brings calm those are such good responses (the tone, the clarity). I think I actually get mixed up because of my own guilt! It really helps to know you’ve had to have these conversations with your mom’s AL. It makes it feel less personal! I’m taking these. The last one fits, thank you.

@psg712 its interesting, isn’t it? How we navigate these relationships with people in our own most intimate relationship!? I am feeling so much better thanks to responses here. I think it is similar to the aid who gets bossy with you. She means well, but you are still the person who knows your mom. I love that approach “thank them for insights, take them into consideration, so what’s best for mom.” That is also going to be a new mantra.

Oh gosh thanks everyone. This is a marathon not a sprint and I’m so grateful for this community!!