Moving to memory care

jecoiner

my DH has been diagnosed with declining Moderate Alzheimer’s. He is getting to be too much for me to handle emotionally, and I feel my own health is declining. He is 81 and I am 79. I have only one son to help me through this whole process. He and I have started arrangements to have him moved into 24-hour memory care. This is the hardest and most agonizing decision of my life. When we first get up in the morning, he is mostly lucid, seems to know who I am and where he is. However, for the remainder of the day, he can’t clearly communicate and doesn’t know exactly that I am his wife. He thinks that he is still working, still in school or that he is still in the army. I spend most of these days questioning whether we are making the right decision. Does anyone else have these worries? It is such a life altering change for him. How do you know it is time for 24-hour care?

Joe C.

I know I agonized for a long time before placing DW but in the end it was the best decision for both of us. Placement was much more difficult for me than for my wife. She no longer recognized me as her husband or our house as here home so she has never asked about why she was not home. She was able to make friends at the MC which provided socialization which I could no longer provide at home. She is actually much happier and engaged in MC than she was at home. For me coming home to an empty house was really difficult. If you go through with placement my advice is to have plans with family and friends in the days following placement to keep yourself from wallowing in the loneliness that comes with placement.

sandwichone123

All of those reasons are when it's time for memory care. The guilt is the worst, but when you and your son see that it's time, it's time, It takes a few days or longer for them to get used to the change, but it often takes us, the "healthy" spouse at home much longer, so don't second guess yourself.

My spouse is also in that space where he mostly can figure out that I'm his wife, but it's not something he automatically knows any more. He's been in AL and memory care for almost two years now.

jecoiner

Thanks for your comments and advice. It is a tremendous help to me in dealing with this decision. It also helps to know that I am not the only one dealing with this situation. God love you.

tigersmom

@jecoiner , I am right there with you. I am struggling with this decision at The moment. DH is just entering stage 6, and he is bored to death at home with me. Recently, he stopped recognizing our home as his. How much he knows who I am is uncertain. Yesterday he said “who’s that?” When I mentioned his favorite cat by name. It is all so difficult.

ghphotog

Yes, placing my mom in MC and shortly after my DW was absolutely the hardest and most heartbreaking decision I've ever had to make even though it was the right thing to do. My DW can't stand on her own anymore and even though I think about bringing her home every day I know I can't. I can't take care of her by myself anymore.
Possibly once she gets deeper into stage 7 and sleeps all day then possibly but I can't right now. There is always a lot of guilt in these decisions, no way around it unless we're completly uncaring but we aren't.
It was the right thing to do and the timing was right to. My mom fell shortly after and died about 3 weeks after.
I placed my DW in MC a month or so before the fall and there would've been no way to for me to take her to the ER while trying to drag my DW along. They both had dementia although my DW was very much more advanced. I've had to take them both to the ER before by myself several times and it's not any fun but with my DW being cared for in MC when I took my mom that was one worry I didn't have.

SDianeL

I know how you feel. 6 months ago I was caring for my husband. I'm 76, he's 79. I had planned on caring for him at home as long as physically possible. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with cancer in December and had no choice put to place him in Memory Care. Looking back, I would have had to place him anyway because of his progression the last 6 months. He is getting excellent care there.

Pat6177

jecoiner, I have started looking at MCFs and vascillate between hoping I can place him soon and thinking that he won’t need to be placed for years. I don’t know when is the right time. He often doesn’t know me as his wife tho he is comfortable with me, knows I am his person, etc. I think he would benefit from the socialization. I cannot manage to carry on a conversation with him. I just can’t figure out how to talk without confusing him. I told him today that Biden had dropped out of the presidential race. He wanted to know where he went when he dropped. Like he dropped to the floor or something? Yet, when we visit a former neighbor that’s in an ALF and has undiagnosed dementia, they carry on a form of conversation, tho sometimes it seems like separate conversations. But they are enjoying it. And his gait and balance are getting worse. I do want to place him while he’s still ambulatory tho I’m not sure why that matters. Ah well, I only have 8 hrs a week to do all my personal stuff so I’ve only visited 2 MCFs so far. It’s going to be a slow process and I’m hoping by the time I select a place, it’ll be clear if I should do it now or later.