The guilt…

livefree2

There is so much guilt living with loved ones who have dementia.

Am I doing the right thing?

Do I need to visit more?

Am I doing enough?

I’m at a place right now where I feel like my Mom is living and yet not living. She’s in a wonderful AL but refuses to be involved. Visits are torture because it’s a fight to get her out of her recliner and go outside but when I get her outside she finds joy in the flowers and the trees and the sun. But then returns to a repeat of her sweater on and sweater off game that goes on repeat for an hour.
I pray every night for our Heavenly Father to cal her home. And I feel guilty. 🥲

Me&Sis

I was asked today if Mom still expresses joy. So, your comment that "she finds joy in the flowers and the trees and the sun" connects with me. This was almost exactly my answer this morning. She does smile and show joy when we are outside, and comments on things she sees. But, she often has a distant look these days. She's just not completely here in the moment, doesn't seem to immerse herself in the joy the way she once did.

I totally understand the guilt. I feel this every day, when I think of things I should be doing, or the moments I should be appreciating and instead find my mind focussing on the things that I am missing with my own friends and family because of the caregiving responsibility.

M1

Livefree i pray daily for my partner's death. Don't feel guilty. I for one think this suffering is worse than death. I know for a fact she doesn't want to live this way, and remind myself that if one of our pets were this debilitated we would have long since put them down.

psg712

My aunt, whose husband died from Alzheimers, told me that "people who lose a loved one to this disease don't cry at the funeral. They have already spent their tears along the way." That was so comforting to me. Only those who have been close caregivers understand this reality.

fmb

Like M1, I also pray daily for my DH's death and an end to his suffering…and mine. As many people here and IRL have reminded me, it is only natural and normal to want the suffering to end.

Keep your visits to a level of frequency and length that works for you. You are just as important as she is. If she does not want to do any activity, don't fight it. Enjoy each other's company and just be her daughter. Do not feel guilty. You are doing the best you can with the information you have and doing it under difficult circumstances. That is all anyone can possibly ask of us.

mabelgirl

I am also in the camp that if there was a way to end her suffering I would. I can’t fathom how frustrating and scary it is to not be able to make sense of the world around you. I pray for my moms relief from it and that I don’t become afflicted.

Anonymousjpl123

I know this feeling. I never thought I would get there but here I am. Trying not to think about it. I guess the only think I’m learning is to live in the moment. I can’t think too far ahead or I get too sad.

Lport

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69967/the-guilt

my dad was a police officer , he often asks for his gun so he can end it all. It s heartbreaking. My sister said she prays God takes him peacefully in his sleep .